Hey Guys,

Would you mind poking your head into my sitch and offer some insight. Mortarman has also been giving me some great advice, and of course we all see the fruits of his labors now.

ForverHers, I read a segment on your story that you posted to someone else about how your WW moved out - this is the same situation I find myself in now.

Great minds think alike - jus trying to bring more into my story to help me along.

Thanks alot.

Eph525 - I'll be happy to see what I can offer, but I have to tell you that I don't have the time right now to read through 473(current number) posts on your thread, so it may take some time before I could say anything and I didn't want you to think that I was ignoring your request.

If you could summarize what it may be that you would like some input or comment on it would be immensely helpful to me. Sans a summary, I will find some to time to read through the thread and get a sense for what you may be looking for in the way of comments.


God bless.

Eph,

I have read a litttle about your sitch, but like FH said, can you recap some?

The main thing I am interested in comes from this info you posted on Dogfood's thread:


What I am interested in learning was how you coped and followed MB principles while your wife was on her own.

Summary of my situation:
In October my wife writes me a letter that she wants to be free. My initial reaction was I did not agree to any kind of separation or divorce and I was not leaving the house, then of course I got all clingy. She moved into the guest room and got all private on me, keeping pocket book close by, cell phone nearby, dropped some cash at VS on underwear, took her "toy" with her, etc so I suspected an A of some sort was in processes.

Over the next few weeks I found a lot of evidence that she was in at least an EA and I suspect a PA but I have no hard evidence yet. She asked me to leave the house on 11/20, and I did. I made one attempt to go back home but wimped out. I did finally go home on 12/16 and she kept the kids from me at her mom's (out of state) for 3 weeks - I only talked to them as she allowed. God's grace and the people on this board kept me alive during this time.

She filed for separation and we had a court date on 1/8. At that time it was decided that we would have joint custody with me getting primary physical placement and I have to pay CS. She decided to move back here locally so she could care for the kids while I am at work.

She is renting a house about 5 miles from the family home and her expenses probably eat up all the CS payment. Right now she has no other income.

I am in IC and we touch on MC some but mainly discuss my issues and what I am doing to change. She is not in any IC at all now.

I guess since our situations seems similar in that both our wives moved out, and that you have since recovered, that you would have some good advice on how you were able to get where you are now.

I hope that gives you enough info for now. Thanks a lot for your time and info.

Is your wife still seeing the OM? I see that you have many of the best people heling you already and I know that they talked to you about exposure.

Also, your sitch reminds me of MWILs. His wife moved out and such and today they are together and happy. I can be done. Have you read his long thread?

With my sitch my wife wanted me to move out. I did for 5 days and then went home and told her that I'm home to stay and she was free to leave anytime she wanted. She said the same as they all do:
"M2L, I will NEVER love you, move on, get over it" Blah blah blah - Today she loves me very much and HATES the things she said while in the fog.

It is not an easy road, but you can do it. The ones helping you were the ones that help me so I know the advise your getting.

While you wait for FH...let me jump in with how I did it. As you know, we were separated three times. Went to court twice.

The coping came from concentrating on the Lord. At the bottom of my post now, it says "Standing in His Presence." But during all of the mess over the 4 years it went on, the bottom of my post said "In His arms." And that was the key.

When I was ready to give up, I just hopped up in Abba's arms and said "I cant handle this. I'm not going to handle this." And He held me, got me cleaned up, sat me back down...and we began again.

Begin again!

It is the watc hwords you will need. When you fail to do a good Plan A...you apologize, you allow the Lord to pick you up and dust you off...and you begin again. When you want to quit...you get on your knees, pray, cry your eyes out...and then you allow the Lord to pick you up, dust you off...and begin again.

You have to get to the point that "failure is not an option." As a soldier, I have learned and been taught that "duty, honor, country" comes before my life and my comfort. So goes it in this, Eph. You have your duty. When you feel down or like you cant make it...you go back to Jesus, get down on your knees (or even prostrate before Him) and lay it all out to Him.

And then "My God will provide all my needs in Christ Jesus." And He will give you the comfort and strength you need. And then He will pick you up, dust you off...

And the two of you will begin again. It isnt easy...but it is that simple!

Thanks Mortarman - great words of wisdom. I need to have a long talk with God again and then listen to him and allow him to help me "begin again" as you described it. Here lately I have allowed myself to get so wrapped up in the situation that I take my eyes off Him. This brings out the fear and doubts.

It always does! That is why, when you feel yourself feeling this way...you need to stop...and go back to Him. The more and more you do it, the easier it will get!

Hi Eph -

You're seeking and getting great advice from a couple of people (MM and FH) that were instrumental in helping me get grounded in my faith in the early days of my situation.


I can't remember if it was MM or FH, but one of them reminded me of the story in the Gospels, were Peter walked on water - as long as his eyes were on Jesus. The second he took his eyes of Jesus, he began to sink. So it is with us - as soon as we take our eyes off the Lord, we begin to lose our way.

View it like driving a car. As long as you pay attention to the road, you're good to go (even if it doesn't feel like it). As soon as you start rubber-necking and looking around, you're liable to find yourself in the ditch (so says me - who's driven his spiritual life into a ditch more times than I care to admit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Remember that fear and doubt are the tools of the enemy. He uses them to pull your eyes of the Lord. We truly have nothing to fear as long as we are walking with God (this does not mean things will be easy, however).

Keep your focus on God, and let Him deal with your WW. She was His daughter before she was your wife, and Father always knows best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eph,

Have you ever tracked down OM's family? Do they know of the previous PA's and continued contact with your WW? I know my dad would tear into me if I ever did something like that. Your PI could probably get you some names and numbers in just a few minutes.

Hey, thanks everyone for your words of wisdom.

I'm gonna take this back to my main thread now. This was intended to give a shoutout to FH and M2L. I don't want to have splintered threads.

A quick "side note" to healingbird: that was me. I "clung" to that image many times to help "get me through" as things seemed to raging and crashing all around me. It is a "mental image" that both focus' thoughts and calms the emotions because it reminds us of WHO really IS "in control," and it "ain't" anyone who is human who can command and overpower nature.





Eph, I have now read through your entire thread and am a bit more "up to speed" on your situation.

Two very brief observations before I attempt to address your question in the quotation, if I may.

1. Your wife is very likely still involved in an affair. EA or PA is irrelevant, but she is probably "convincing" herself that there is nothing because they are not a "daily and 'intimate' thing."

2. Your wife is not a Christian, but thinks she is, or is a severely backslidden believer who is still refusing to surrender her life to GOD, not to you. Either way, God is not important to her, only her feelings "count."

3. You need to understand that ONLY God can change her heart. God can do that directly and He can do that from the example that true believers show. That is where you come in. It is NOT what you can DO, it is what you believe and stand for....standing for the LORD and His commands, no matter what it might seemingly "cost" you in the temporal sense. THAT sort of stance is not "easy," but that is why God promised you HIS unlimited power to DO so, in Philippians 4:13. That verse became my "life verse" and my connecting anchor to God. That verse became my "walking on the water to God, through God, and with God" despite the seeming "impossibility" of it all.

Now, to address your area of inquiry. "What I am interested in learning was how you coped and followed MB principles while your wife was on her own."

Let me say with some embarrassment, "Not well." I was a "basket case" on the inside. The total devastation of adultery and marital betrayal is almost beyond description, especially when it happens in one that you KNOW is born again believer and you could not conceive of them sinning so grievously.

But I KNEW one fact: either we would have a marriage grounded in Christ or we would not be married, even if I wound up "losing everything" that we had (such as our house that neither of us could afford on our own).

Such is the "choice" that a Christian must make. So is the COMMAND to forgive if the sinner repents. These choices are NOT "easy" for humans to make, and imho, REALLY "not easy" for a Man to make with "mental movies" running around in his "possessive head." Several times I had to pull off the road and just cry until I could recover enough composure to continue, between calls on clients and prospects.

Eph, you need to understand that up until the point of the affair becoming known to me, I was a "comfortable Christian." That is, I really didn't give my walk with Christ too much time or consideration. It is far too easy to "rest" in the promises of God and "ignore" the warnings. It's like the idea of overemphasizing one attribute of God, like "God is love," and ignoring the other EQUAL attributes of God. We get "lulled" into thinking nothing can happen to us because we stop "maturing in the faith" and just coast along.

For almost 3 months I became an insatiable reader, reading everything I could get my hands on about affairs. I became a "detective" like you would never believe. I found all sorts of things by actively looking and by "accident."

Our initial time for The Day (called d-day#1) was almost 5 years ago now (will be in 2 weeks). That was the day that I finally admitted to myself that "something" was seriously wrong and I had a talk with my wife. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and a direct denial to my question as to whether or not there was another man involved (there was and had been for 6 years).

About a month and half later, one of those "accidental" things happened that prove the EA/PA and who the OM was. It was photographs of them on weekend getaways. So believe me when I tell you that I don't believe your wife and her claims that there has not been any sex between them. It is possible, but once the "I love you" line has been verbalized, sex becomes almost a certainty. If it turns out that there has not been a PA, then you will be spared some of the mental movie nightmares that I had to endure. But, adultery does not require a physical joining of the two of them, as I am sure you know.

So getting back to your "coping" question. I found on the purely human level that the MB principles made a lot of sense since God created us with our emotions and responses to those emotions. Meeting each other's Emotional Needs coincides with God's intention in marriage to be a "helpmeet" for each other.

But the "GLUE" in our case that puts the picture back together without a lot of tear lines and creases is God.
God takes what was a flawed piece of "pottery," our marriage that is supposed to reflect Christ and His bride, and mashes it down into a misshapen lump of clay the He then fashions into a new vessel that is worthy of His use for His glory and honor.

If it would help you, I can give you the links to my first two threads. The first one is the one that begins before our separation and when I "sure" that our marriage was over, and the time of our separation, and the month of our separation when she began to doubt her wanting to leave and was afraid to try to recover our marriage. The second thread is the beginning of our recovery, and it was very rocky for a while, but it proved that God is faithful to those who are obedient to His commands.

God bless.

FH,

Thanks so much for your response and I appreciate your taking the time to read my thread. It really means a lot to me to have everyone here giving me, someone that nobody may ever meet, advice. It's no coincidence that our paths have crossed.

Regarding your points:

1. I agree that an A of some sorts is still ongoing.
2. I believe she is a Christian but is running from God now because she knows she is in the wrong right now.

I have to say my walk with God has been much like you described, and if I look back I would call myself a yo-yo Christian because of my tendency to stray and then come back.

Looking at how these events have transpired, I have to say I am so glad that God got my attention while I was in Germany and I got on my knees in that hotel room, begging him to help me straighten my life out, because the day after I got home was when things began to fall apart. It's almost like God said "You need to be in my arms for what is about to transpire in your life." God's timing is perfect.


Cannot agree more with this statement. My prayer has been and will continue to be that God would first turn her heart back to Him, and then to me. Philippians 4:13 has resonated with me more with me since I started replacing "all things" with specific things, for example:

I can continue to love my wife through Christ who strengthens me.
I can change myself where needed through Christ who strengthens me.
I can save my marriage through Christ who strengthens me.
Our marriage can be better than ever through Christ who strengthens us.
And so on...

When I make it specific to the task at hand then it makes me feel stronger.

I would very much like to read your threads. If you wouldn't mind, please link them in my original thread. I don't want to splinter my separation thread and similar to you, I will one day have a recovery thread.

Okay, I will post the links on your other thread. Just a word of warning.....I was just as "crazy" as most BS's at that time, so be careful that you don't allow yourself to "identify" with things that might trigger you. For a little balance I will also include a 3rd thread that talks a little about Withdrawal and my thread from a year after we began Recovery efforts.

God bless.