Ah, CJ,,,,it made me LOL. DD asked me what was so funny!

While I have no doubt as to the wisdom imparted to Drac by S.Harley Esq, I DO question Drac's ability to properly process it ,,,,for now!:)

Yet, the hope remains that there will be a NICE surprise from a WH for a change.

Lord knows we've all had enough Bad surpises from them!

Gotta finish DD's bath, sing some songs, and read some books!

Thanks Sista!

Morning BUgs...

I know with POWS, things has to sit with him for a while to "process"..."they" appear to be slower than "we" are...LMAO

Calm, cool, and collected...ANGEL STYLE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What's going on? Did you have your appt yet?

Dum de de dum dum dum, dum de de de de dum. (PM checking watch.) Dum de de dum dum dum, dum de de de de dum. (PM checking watch.)...

Countdown complete.

Finished my appt w/Steve and am cautiously optimistic

I can't possibly type the summary on the blackberry, so am going to do it on my computer, then will have to email, copy, and paste to the board,, so be patient!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
Patient, I can't be patient with YOU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I have a hard enough time being patient with the freakin' court system here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I'll wait! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

arrrggghhhh

cautiously optimistic??????

what does that mean?????

what did he say????
what did Drac say????
what do you say????


aaaahhhhhhh......impatient!!!

type faster....

COme on girl...get teh lead out! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh come ON! its been almost 45 minutes....

Ok, as I said, the appt. with Steve has me cautiously optimistic.

Drac was on the phone with him for over an hour!

Steve kept the focus on laying out the Logic Lines,,, Now, I am going to assume that most of you that are reading this have read all of the Harley Materials and will understand in detail the concepts/ideas that I am going to mention. If you dont, then read the entire website, get the books, and find out! :-):-) Ask questions here, too!

So, on with the story,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Drac started off, pretty guarded, as would be expected. He told Steve he wants the D, and that I dont want the D.

SH -Why doesnt Bugs want the D?

Drac Because she thinks this can work out

SH - Why does she think it can work out

Drac - I dont know

SH Really, you dont know. Did you ask?

Drac Not really

SH Bugs has had a SHIFT in her BELIEF system. She now has the notion that there is a different way to approach marriage. She has had a realization of the repsonsibilites in a marriage and that they are DIFFERENT that what she previously thought they were
Steve said they walked through the logic line of the principles, starting with HOW and WHY people fall in love. The conditions under which people fall in love. Romantic love and Caring Love,,, how they are different, yet both part of the equations

Questions were asked such as - WHO is responsible for the feeling of love that you have for the other person

Is love conditional? How it hinges on the other persons ability to meet your needs. How the concept we have grown up with that it should  be unconditional vs the logic of the fact that it IS conditional

How you come to realize that the feeling" of love is a product of the interactions that you have with another person. Does that person make Love Bank Deposits or Withdrawls? He did a great explaination and step by step logic of all of this,,,,asking questions ang getting agreement all along the way. We walked through the same conversation he had with Drac, so that I know exactly how it went. As it is a review for most of you, as it was for me, I won't bother with more detail on that.

Drac started to become engaged in the conversation and did ask questions and answered them pretty readily. Drac agreed that the logic lines MADE SENSE.

They talked about Dracs IDEAL happiness. Would his IDEAL happiness be to be in love with Bugs, the mother of your children?

Drac said YES.

Now, this was a HUGE positive for me, as I had not asked Drac that question when I asked him to speak with Steve. When Steve told me this, I had to tie myself to the seat so that I could continue to focus on what he was saying!

So, Ok, Drac, your IDEAL would be to be in love with the mother of your children

Drac yes

SH You agree that the logic lines make sense. That with these things in place, you both meeting each others needs, etc. you would have your ideal happiness

Drac yes, but thats not going to happen, not with Bugs

SH "It's not? Do you think she can't do it?

Drac "She can do it, but it won't last"

SH - "Do you think YOU can do it?"

Drac "yes"

SH Its not going to work with Bugs because she won't keep it up. Is she stupid

Drac no, she is very intelligent

SH Ok, you believe she can do it in crisis mode, but you are concerned with the long term. If she IS intelligent, and we both agree she is, why would she GIVE up what she knows works? Why would she want to give up not only your happiness, but hers as well? 

Now, he left it there, as that is not something S can CONVINCE him of, but rather something he will have to experience,,, but he just laid out the LOGIC of why it CAN and WOULD work long term.

Im not trying to draw out any drama here, but I have meetings and deadlines I have to complete at work for the next few hours so Im going to have to finish this up later!

To be continued,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I think I'm gonna cry. He could have easily said, "Yes, but I don't want to."

... waiting for next installment

This is sounding SO GOOD!

And its not just the content of the call, but how those words and concepts will haunt him. He will be continuing to think about this.

((((Bugs!))))

This is a reflection of Bugs' GREAT PLAN A!!!

Drac now has to BELIEVE that her EVIDENCED CHANGES will LAST!!

I LOVE THIS!!!

Have you noticed how Bugs has turned into a MBer's GODDESS???

How she is such a BELIEVER now??? Telling you guys to refresh yourselves on the MBer's principles???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Bugs, a MIMI JR.....Love it, love it...

She's been to the MOUNTAINTOP of Steve Harley MBer's counseling....never to be the same person...YOU'VE GOT IT, BUGSY!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

BUGS!


That's WHY he wanted to talk with you last night.

He WANTED you to Start the conversation.

HE couldn't. But you Could.

Because you are the NEW BUGS.

Does Drac Know that you were talking to SH today?

If yes, than do you think that Drac will feel that a confidence has beeb violated by SH telling you what happened?

If, No. Approach it like you do not know what SH has disscussed with Drac. Really.

Let Drac talk. Now is the time to listen. The logic lines all lead to BUGS.

DRAC KNOWS THIS! NOW.

It makes sense. When explained by someone else. (SH) Or you are really interested in learning it, (LG around Dday)

"How did it go with SH?"

Then let him speak!

Bugs!

You ROCK!

LG

ug, Drac. lacks faith...you doesn't have the support system that you have in regards to saving the M...

i see some great stuff...just a slow road ahead!

Since MB GODDESS BUGS is keeping us in suspense, having also been to the STEVE HARLEY MOUNTAINTOP, BELIEVE ME..Steve told Bugsy EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY TO DRAC TONIGHT...

It's great that she waited for STEVE'S COACHING GUIDANCE...

This is a WAR..you've got to have the BATTLE PLAN down to an EXACT SCIENCE...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ok got one work project completed and checked the posts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so am going to finish the story for you all. Of course I am going to be here all night finishing work, but that's OK!

Some of this may answer some questions. I will wait to reply to your posts when the story is complete.

In the meantime,,THANKS!

So, Drac has agreed that the LOGIC makes sense. He QUESTIONS,,,,,,,,LACKS FAITH (Rin you were right on the mark) in My doing these things LONG TERM.

As Steve explained, our emotions are wired on a short term loop. They are MOST effected by the most recent past. So, if the most recent past is GOOD, our expectation of the FUTURE is GOOD and vice versa. So, Drac is operating partially from his determination that the TRACK RECORD of our M, most recently prior to the split, was not good, so he see the Future as being not Good.

Drac is battling his EMOTIONS with the LOGIC he now has been presented, that he understands, and that he AGREES with.
(Mimi is right, it is a WAR, , , in MANY ways!)

MUCH of this is now hinging on getting Drac to BELIEVE in the potential of success. That the changes that happen, that have happened will STICK and be FOREVER.

SO, the logic lines are laid out, he agrees they make sense, HOWEVER, these are still just theories. There is no Experience to show/tell/convince Drac that they work. S says to Drac, then following that line of thinking, since these theories have the potential to produce HIS IDEAL happiness, the LOGICAL thing to do would be to Run an Experiment and TEST them out.

The "experiment" would include constant measuring. Checking frequently, IS it better, are you Feeling change, does it seem to be working??

The next step towards that experiment would be for Drac to complete the EN and LB questionnaires and send them to Steve. He directed him to the MB website to find them. Also said that they would help Drac to better understand himself.

Drac said he'd check them out.

Steve told Drac that IF he is interested in doing the "experiment" then Drac should tell me about it. HOWEVER, he can/should also tell me that he is doing this as a No Strings Attached, No promises, No Commitment Experiment ONLY.

I'm telling ya,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Steve could sell an Eskimo Ice Cubes if he had the chance! I mean, really, HOW could Drac so no when Steve is making it SAFE for him??

He further told Drac that he should not just "go along with this" on any kind of Blind Faith. Ask questions! Any doubts, anything unclear, any holes he wants to punch in it, any thing he sees that proves not to work, Bring it up!

So, that is the DRAC portion of the conversation. I'm going to post this and then get to the Bugs portion next.

Part III

Steve walked me through the logic lines as he did with Drac so that I can understand better.

Another thing that S accomplished with the logic was to give Drac an understanding of WHY I am so adamantly against the D. I do have a new belief system; I have learned things that I cannot UN-learn.

I am to continue to hold my position that there IS a way for us to be GREAT, and understand that at a minimum, Drac has not ruled out the idea that we can be GREAT.

I am to continue to CREATE THE CONDITIONS under which Drac falls in love with and stays in love with me. I AM responsible for creating those conditions.

Things for Bugs to Tell Drac -

I now know that I am responsible for maintain your love for me. I thought it was up to you to figure out HOW to just do it, for you to accept me just as I am no matter what and that it was your job just to love me. Period.

I know now THAT is not the case. I need to do my part to maintain your love for me.

I want for US to have the Best of everything. This means for YOU to have YOUR ideal scenario of happiness.

I commit myself to making sure you have your ideal happiness,,,, for me, Failure at that is NOT an option! I hope that youll feel the same for me.

I have learned so much! I GET IT NOW! I see a totally different way of what it takes to make a successful, happy marriage. I UNDERSTAND my responsibilities in a way I never did before.

We had it when we married, the problem is, I didnt know HOW to maintain it. The GREAT thing is that these strategies and plans can be used at ANY time in a marriage. The logic works. I see the future as being different, as being BETTER than the past.

My BELIEF system has changed. I no longer see what it takes to make a great marriage work as a list of DEMANDS.

I understand that we both have NEEDS. I WANT to meet those needs for you, happily and willingly. I see my ½ of the equation. I thought it was up to you to just love me, and that led me down a course that caused me not to care FOR YOU in the way that I should and the way that YOU DESERVE.

I cant and wont UNLEARN what it takes to have the most emotionally connected and intimate relationship possible, now and forever. That is a line that is never going to change, and that is new for me.

I have done a lot of changing, and I am continuing to change, I look forward to more change. I am not nearly any where near to being done with changes in myself, my belief system, etc.



The incentive must be created for Drac to turn back from the path he has set. He feels a need to follow through with the path, with the decision he has made and that he cant change his mind.

S told him You are in the pursuit of your ideal happiness, right? If that greatest option for that is to be with and in love with the mother of your children, then dont let your commitment to that decision get in the way of what YOU have said is your ideal happiness. If you end up with the Ideal, you wont care anything about having made a change in your path

For Drac, its about being the Happiest possible - So if he is going to work on this marriage it is not going to be because it is the right thing to do, not because of the kids, but because he BELIEVES that our marriage will make him the happiest.

I have to be Wary of the pendulum right now of Drac getting his needs met. Right now, when his needs have been met, he doesnt give it much thought or consideration. HOWEVER, when the are NOT met in exactly the way he wants, then he feels CONTROLLED.

I have to be VERY cautious of this as I work to try to get us both on the same page. Drac is very sensitive to this right now. It is of GREAT importance that I make sure to avoid being controlling. I should emphasize that what we get from JOINT agreement is BETTER than what either one of us would get individually when we get our individual way.

REFER TO THE USE OF POJA for further detail!
NEXT STEPS -

I AM to tell Drac that I talked to Steve. Say that S told me about the idea of the experiment,,,,,,,,, What do you think, Drac? Would you mind testing out those logic lines with me?

ANY questions about ANY of it, DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT!

REFER back to Steve immediately. Even act offended if it is something that demonstrates a hole in the logic. In other words, Drac, hm,,, thats an interesting question. You know thats not the way I understood it from Steve. Lets ask him about that!  In the form of HEY, we DESERVE and answer from him!

Let Drac know that Steve asked me to completed the EN & LB questionnaires and fax it in to him.

Rely heavily on having Steve as a GUIDE to help us through the process. The responsibility is not on ME to answer or to say how its SUPPOSED to work. Go with the unbiased 3rd party.

Steve said that his perceived cornerstone of success in these plans it the basis of WHO is responsible for what. Once that is agreed,,, that we are each responsible for maintaining our partners love for us, we have a great foundation.

Right now, I need to understand that while it APPEARS that this is all on ME, it is just that. For NOW. I told him, I totally GET that,,,,,,,,,,,its about getting Drac on the same page first, starting down the same path, THEN we can get to the changes that are necessary for Drac to make.

Now,,,,,,,,,, I an SURE some of you are sitting there asking WHAT was said about the HO???!!!!

Nothing. S said the affair was not discussed. Steve wanted to spend the time to set the stage for the logic lines, getting Drac to understand the, and possibly agree with the.

Discussion about the A would be, at this point, a Distraction that we dont need; for NOW. We will get to that.

I asked, So Drac didnt say something like, all of this is irrelevant because I have a great R with the HO?

Steve said he didnt bring it up.

Ok, thats my story for today! I am now going to get some more WORK done and Ill ck back later for comments, suggestions, and questions!

Thanks for hanging in there with me.!

From my experience, it works AMAZINGLY WELL, TO DO and TO SAY EXACTLY as STEVE has instructed you.

LOVE IT, LOVE IT!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

nothing to say but mah-ve-lous <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />