I could draw a boundary around the color yellow.

I could say...I will not speak to anyone who says the word yellow or fails to agree with me that yellow is a horrid color.

Not one person in the world has to stop liking yellow.

I may be very lonely as a result of my boundary.

Parenting mistakes LOL.

But you know what PEP again you are right. God I hate saying that.

Perfect example of incremental enforcement.

My OS could be a guide book on my part.

He had school work. He doesn't do it. I don't threaten him. I take away some priveledges. As it continues, I continue to take away more and more.

Right now he thought I must have been kidding. LOL

He has no computer for 3 weeks. He goes to the library at lunch for the next 3 weeks for homework help and to do his homework. He has to have his teachers sign off he was there for help. His teachers sign off that he has written down his homework that night. We counter sign it. His teachers have my Cell number, my FWW's Cell number and our Email address' if he isn't up to speed. The principal of the school is in the loop. Any day his homework is not written down and signed by the teacher he goes to bed early and loses his PS2 for the day.

Trust me we didn't start there. LOL.

What if a BS is not ready to move onto Plan B, but has a WS who is continuing their A via a computer?

What options do they have?

It is w/in their control to cancel the internet connection, would canceling it be considered controlling or boundary setting?

~ Marsh

Lol..

I would say boundary.

Of course the other spouse may enforce THEIR boundary around the affair and connect it five minutes later.

Hi Marsh -


I think here you're getting into enabling/not enabling vs boundaries. I think it's perfectly legitimate for a BS to cancel the internet connection (especially if they are paying for it) if it is being used to enable an affair.

I wish I had done that in my case when I first found out.

'Course, I could be wrong on that - seems like it's my day to be wrong on the forums <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, my H had a boundary of 'personal' space when it came to others being able to have access to his phone bills, so he changed phone services, and got a separate account. I would say he enforced that boundary well.

In all seriousness though...

The issue isn't the computor...it's the affair.

As a BS [nonaffairee] you can't actually make their choices for them.

Unhooking the connection will not end the affair.

That is how people get lost in power struggles.

This is where ~consequences~ come into discussion...and they are nearly endless.

A likely consequence of an affairee refusing to stop either the affair or blatantly dismissing the request of their spouse is further loss of love.

The BS not ready to enforce a "no triangle" boundary will likely be more ready than they were before.

See to me that is the problem it always comes back to that. Enforcing or Controlling.

I say again if it gets to that point there are some serious respect problems.

Sometimes a controlling person has just gotten to the point where they are continually enforcing boundries.

Some IMVHO are common sense and shouldn't need to be spoken let alone enforced.

Noodle,




This is what I was saying about Plan B, it was my way of removing myself from the 2nd triangle. Talking about the consequences of that was just what it was, consequences. My 'perception' of his consequences is just assumption, really, not fact...

Frog.

How can one adult control another.

We have to remember that the other person can say "no" any old time.

I'm confused by your response here.

Enforce...

compel to behave in a certain way

Hi HB!

I see it as enabling too.

~ Marsh

Compel ~who~?

That's one of the web definitions of enforce.

The others had to do with law enforcement...

enforcing personal boundaries is SELF control

*sheesh*

You are so right on this.

How can you help a fearful BS to get to the point where they will enforce that no triangle boundary?

It is so distressing to watch a BS struggle w/ this.

~ Marsh

That's it exactly Pep...

My boundaries compel *me* to make choices and changes and decisions.

Choice, change and decision are words of consequence.

Boundaries have consequences.

A boundary, to me, does not suggest trying to compel a response, and I wonder if 'enforcing' is the proper term to use in reference to boundaries.

then pick a term to your liking

when you do THAT

you've just enforced YOUR personal boundary

you can not control, compel, enforce someone else to make choices that you like.

you can control yourself.

you can not control the result.

you can not force someone to respect you.

you can respect yourself.