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I thought this may help someone on there journey...Enjoy! Each of us, in life, walks on the special path that the soul is destined to undertake. Our journeys are very different and we progress at different rates. The pitfalls and blessings we encounter are unique, yet we are all learning and no one form of knowledge is more important than any other.
Even so, when we observe others, it can be easy to pass judgment on their decisions and to assume their actions will correspond with what we feel is right. But for every problem, there are a multitude of solutions. Everyone makes mistakes and, while watching others do so can be frustrating, it is important that you accept each person's unique way of doing things.
Giving others the freedom to act in the way they feel are best without the fear of harsh judgments honors the capacity for growth that all people possess.
It is helpful to practice accepting others as they are. Never judge the decisions of others based on the path you would have taken because every person lives by different values and experiences.
Challenge is a universal concept, but we all deal with difficulties in our own way. Give others the space to fail, but don't harden your heart against their experience. It isn't wise to try and fix people or control situations.
You may feel compelled to intervene when difficulties arise, but it is important only to offer guidance when asked unless the person is involved in a truly dangerous situation or cannot act for themselves.
Failure to choose the right path or to make enlightened decisions is simply another step on the journey. It is a means to experience and wisdom. Letting go of the need to influence others does not discount offering loving support and it does not mean that you need to stop caring. It does mean stepping back, dissolving judgment, and gracefully allowing others to live their own destinies.
Giving others the freedom to blossom in their own journeys gives you the freedom to take more notice of your own. You may not condone the actions you see taking place, but your reactions will be more loving by letting them be.
And you will be able to focus on just being yourself, confident that the path you take is as right, valid, and special as any other.
DailyOM.com -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------- Acceptance of Others
The world is a palette of varied beauty with subtle and not-so-subtle differences in brilliance and hue. But, like all we perceive subjectively, many things can fail to meet our expectations.
People don't behave as we'd wish them to, situations turn out differently than we'd imagined, and the end result is often unhappiness. The remedy is acceptance - an open-minded, understanding perception that brings the serenity of knowing every individual, situation, or difficulty is unique and valuable in some way.
It is a mode of respect for differences, of seeing beyond faults or disappointments and reaching contentment.
Though acceptance necessitates recognizing and acknowledging situations or attitudes that exist in the present, it does not imply that you need also give your approval. To approve or to disapprove is to judge, but in accepting, you simply understand that all situations and all people are in a constant state of flux.
Likewise, each of us is also in the process of changing and by choosing to accept ourselves (in the past, present, and future); we can truly begin to understand who we really are. Acceptance is freedom from the need to retain preconceived notions, control of others, favored outcomes, or the anxiety that can come when the unexpected occurs.
It is more than tolerance, though resisting the urge to react to the choices of others is a large part of the process. Rather it is a patience and gentleness that extends outward, beginning in one's own soul and extending to other people and the world at large.
Sometimes the process works in reverse because accepting others can be easier than accepting oneself, though the latter is the inevitable result of true acceptance. In fostering acceptance, the need to judge is quelled because the belief that others ought to live up to your expectations (or 'should thinking') is eliminated because everything is evolving and deserves to do so without interference.
And in letting growth happen and understanding that each person, place, thing, or situation is as it is meant to be, a blissful quiet of the mind and strong feelings of worth can be realized.
Last edited by Rinder; 01/30/07 05:31 PM.
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A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Rin,
I don't know what to say about this so I will say hi. LOL
I think as a concept they both work well. However sometimes they aren't realistic.
Yes we shouldn't judge and each of us has our own journey. Yes there are a myriad of solutions to a single problem. I will tell you this though if I know what the person is trying isn't going to work I will tell them. It is part of passing on experiance. If that person ignores the advice of others and presses on only to hurt themselves I will say well I told them so. Not necesarrily judgement.
In other words I don't know the right way but I know what your trying is the wrong way. I have tried it and ended up in the emergency room. If you decide to try it your way any way at least I know the fastest way to get you to the ER. LOL.
Acceptance of others is also great in concept. Not in reality. I do not accpet a lot of others behaviors. I do not accept the fact that people think flying planes into buildings is right and moral. Never ever will. I do not accept adultery. I have lived through it but I do not accept it to be a good idea.
I thing accepting a decesion is fine. If it is a personal decesion that is ok. I can accept that person but I do not need to accept their decesion.
If it doesn't affect me it is easier to accept though.
Hope things are well.
BS 38 FWW 35 D Day 10/03 Recovery started 11/06 3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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This thread is about sharing...not about me...thank you for your post... Resisting Control Imposing Your Will On Others The right to make your own choices is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet there are those who are inclined to try and control others. They may be driven by insecurity, envy, fear, or the need for power.
These people are deeply critical of themselves in their own minds, and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. Their need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling those around them, whether they are friends, colleagues, or even pets. However, nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another.
Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. You may feel that your way is the best way or that you have a keener insight into the direction their life should be taking. But, in imposing your will, you are indirectly saying, "I want to control you."
Even when you have the best of intentions, others may end up resenting you for your actions. It is always helpful to remember that it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.
If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates, because you aren't sure of their abilities.
Next, make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best." But there is a freedom to trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Let Go And Let Flow Taking A Leap Of Faith Many people, in heeding the guidance of their souls, find themselves contemplating goals that seem outrageous or unattainable. In the mind's eye, these individuals stand at the edge of a precipice and look out over the abyss at the fruit of their ambition.
Some resist the urge to jump, paralyzed by the gap between their current circumstances and the life of their dreams. Others make a leap of faith into the unknown, unsure of what they will encounter but certain that they will gain more in their attempts than they would bowing to self-protective instincts.
This leap can be exceedingly difficult for individuals with control issues because the act of embracing uncertainty requires them to trust that surrender will net them the rewards they seek. Yet when you make a leap of faith, believing without a doubt that you will land safely on the other side, you can accomplish almost anything you set out to do.
There have no doubt been times in your life when you chose to go where the universal flow took you. Yet you may encounter instances in which your objectives require you to step outside of the boundaries of your established comfort zone so that you may freely and actively jettison yourself into a new phase of your life. While you may fear what seems to be the inevitable fall, consider that in all likelihood you will find yourself flying.
A successful leap of faith requires your attention, as it is the quiet and often indistinct voice of your inner self that will point you toward your ultimate destination. Understand that the leap across the chasm of ambiguity may challenge you in unforeseen ways but you will make it across if you trust yourself.
If your mind and heart resist, you can dampen this resistance by building a bridge of knowledge.
The more you know about the leap you are poised to take, the smaller the gap between "here" and "there" will appear to be. Your courageous leap of faith can lead you into uncharted territory, enabling you to build a new, more adventurous life.
Though you may anticipate that fear will be your guide on your journey across the abyss, you will likely discover that exhilaration is your constant companion.
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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I hope that thess are helpful to everyone in their situations...Plan A in the best light that you can!And for those in Plan B... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Finding Joy In Life's Surprises Releasing Your Expectations As we endeavor to find personal fulfillment and realize our individual ideals, we naturally form emotional attachments to those outcomes we hope will come to pass.
These expectations can serve as a source of stability, allowing us to draft plans based on our visions of the future, but they can also limit our potential for happiness by blinding us to equally satisfying yet unexpected outcomes. Instead of taking pleasure in the surprising circumstances unfolding around us, we mourn for the anticipation left unfulfilled.
When we think of letting go of our expectations, we may find ourselves at the mercy of a small inner voice that admonishes us to strive for specific goals, even if they continually elude us. However, the opposite of expectation is not pessimism.
We can retain our optimism and free ourselves from the need to focus on specific probabilities by opening our hearts and minds to a wide variety of possible outcomes.
When we expect a situation, event, or confrontation to unfold in a certain way, it becomes more difficult to enjoy the surprises that have the potential to become profound blessings. Likewise, we may feel that we failed to meet our inner objectives because we were unable to bring about the desired results through our choices and actions.
Consider, though, that we are all at the mercy of the universal flow, and our best intentions are often thwarted by fate. As you grow increasingly open to unforeseen outcomes, you will be more apt to look for and recognize the positive elements of your new circumstances.
This receptivity to the unexpected can serve you well when you are called upon to compromise with others, your life plans seem to go awry, or the world moves forward in an unanticipated manner by granting you the flexibility to see the positive aspects of almost any outcome.
The further you distance yourself from your expectations, the more exhilarating your life will become. Though a situation in which you find yourself may not correspond to your initial wants, needs, or goals, ask yourself how you can make the most of it and then do your best to adapt.
Your life's journey will likely take many unpredicted and astonishing twists because you are willing to release your expectations.
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Rin - This thread is about sharing...not about me...thank you for your post... That does not sound at all like you. Seems very distand and cold <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Formerly known as brokenbird
BH (Me) - 38 WW (Magpie) - 31 Married 2001 (Together 8 years) DS - 13 DD - 5 EA/PA - 9/05-12/05 D-Day - 11/05
Second separation. Working on me.
If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. John 15:7 (NIV)
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We don't want you to be JUST SHARING..we want you to be PARTICIPATING...
Well actually you are PARTICIPATING..there's something about YOU that is causing YOU to post this information...
What's up? What are you saying to us?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Rin,
I'm glad that you are at least posting, still lurking. I agree with Mimi, you are thinking these things for some reason, even looking them up and posting them. They are from your minds eye, your perspective. Here's mine..
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
RECIPROCITY
And I believe in the reverse, not to accept the things that you would not level upon another...
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
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That does not sound at all like you. Seems very distand and cold I thought so too!!!
BS 38 FWW 35 D Day 10/03 Recovery started 11/06 3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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I am reading on another site, one that supports my program...
As I am reading, if I something that's interested while reading and think that OP might find it interesting also...I share...
I was hoping that OP would share things they thought were interesting...perhaps even a discussion...
There are my expectations again...I keep learning that lesson over and over about my expectations and OP...oh, well...I'll get it right...
That's what's so great about OP, we all have a POV...
TO Be frank, I'm not ready to talk yet...not about my life...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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You are right I am very distant right now...on this site...
LA, once said that you can feel something and know that it's not true...
Well, this is the quickest moving board I have found...I have not read anyone's thread except GWTF's regarding the book that I recommended to her...
I had people posting to me that I don't even think kept up with my thread...telling me I'm wrong...I watch who's on line and not...not once did I see them reading my thread...
So, a person can feel attacked and know that they are not...by the people who have struck by me...
I have not shared the good stuff in my M being here...not really...primary focus on the A...obessing on the A...
Not all those years that I've been resentful, bitter, mean, and angry with the world...how I started my day with negative thoughts about H and our M...self fulfilling prophecy...I was not worthy on being in a good M...
What about all the things that H had to put up with from me...which I'm not going to go into because I don't feel comfortable...
I have painted a picture of my life...from that OP got that my decisions are wrong and there's NO way that they can be right for me...with all the messing information...
Why...b/c this is a MB site where we are to practice MB principles...I have had more heartache trying to follow these...
AM I bitter and angry...yes...so, you are all right...b/c I expected to be understood...I expected OP to see what I see...
I will grieve my old reality...same with H...I expected to be understood...I expected OP to see what I see...
It's me...and I think I'm rattling...doing exactly what I said I didn't want to do...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Rin,
I am here for a while today. I don't know what to say Yet.LOL but I will come up with something.
I usually have to think about it for a while.
I will get back to you.
BS 38 FWW 35 D Day 10/03 Recovery started 11/06 3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Frog-I appreciate the time that you are thinking...that's a good thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> 10 Ways To Improve Relationships Helping Bonds Thrive 1. The relationships you foster will become a mirror of the relationship you have with yourself. Francois de la Rochefoucauld said, "If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere." Learn to take responsibility for your own happiness and security and to treat yourself with acceptance, caring, and compassion.
2. Every person desires to be treated lovingly and simple kindness can often inspire kindness in return. Reflect on those who have made you feel most cared for and appreciated and emulate them in your interactions with others.
3. Though first impressions highlight similarities, it is often the differences between two people that make a relationship unique. Showing interest in the different cultures, beliefs, origins, and interests of your friends and loved ones can enrich and strengthen your ties.
4. Intimacy cannot thrive without contact. Making time for those important to you, even if it is simply the time spent writing a letter, demonstrates the depth of your feeling.
5. Positive thoughts and deeds inspire love, honesty, and respect. Negativity can only cause stress in relationships. Show others that you are grateful for the bounty with which you've been blessed and never hesitate to give to others.
6. Share not only the laughter, but the tears as well. In doing so, you will become richer in spirit.
7. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships. Focusing on creating a balanced compromise rather than winning or losing an argument can draw you and your friend closer together.
8. Feelings of irritation, anger, or frustration flourish when we remain silent. Give voice to your emotions as they arise using neutral, non-accusatory statements. Make your feelings clear.
9. Being hurt by someone we care for is one of life's great sorrows, but forgiveness is one of life's great joys. Practicing forgiveness eases strain on relationships that have been put to the test and will bring peace to your soul.
10. Lillian Hellman said, "People change and forget to tell each other." We often don't know we've changed though we recognize and may be hurt by changes in others. Find the underlying qualities you appreciate in those you care for and be tolerant of their evolution for everything and everyone changes with time.
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Rin -
I don't think anyone was out to attack you. You are right - we only know what you choose to share about your situation with us. We take that information, coupled with what we've learned from others and our own experiences and offer our advice and share our concerns. Nothing hostile in that action (at least from me) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
I see a lot of MB principles in what you just posted, btw.
Formerly known as brokenbird
BH (Me) - 38 WW (Magpie) - 31 Married 2001 (Together 8 years) DS - 13 DD - 5 EA/PA - 9/05-12/05 D-Day - 11/05
Second separation. Working on me.
If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. John 15:7 (NIV)
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Nothing hostile in that action I don't think it was hostile... Like I said I can feel attacked and know that I'm not... I know thatmost of the posts were wrote out of care and concern... I think they are MB related and do feel that it can help...like DedicatedFather said it's the ultimate Plan A... I chose to share them b/c at the time that's all I could do... I will share this...H and I are going to a ball this weekend...gowns, tuxs, and the whole nine...I also asked his forgiveness for all the resentment, bitterness, and anger that I have displayed forward him for years and apologized...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Evolving From Within Changing Yourself First The world calls out for improvement and, more often than not, we are ready and willing to offer advice or admonishments. But each of us possesses the power to effect a positive shift in energy in ourselves and in those around us.
Just as purification of the soul leads to purification of the world, change within leads to change without. Conflicts can be resolved without words. The key is changing yourself and freeing your mind. When someone or something bothers you, it helps to begin by asking yourself if you, too, possess that negative quality or if you're allowing yourself to be overly affected by it.
You only have control over yourself, but your influence is farther reaching than you may realize. A positive change on your part often leads to positive change around you.
This passive inspiration of change not only stems from your example to others. You may have changed your behavior or simply decided to adopt a change in perspective. But in doing so, you have set into motion a series of positive consequences that, bring balance.
The more we grow in virtue and the more centered we become, the more we perceive virtue and centeredness and the more we project it outward. As we act in ways beneficial to ourselves and others, so do we inspire others into similar action. And, when we have achieved control over our minds and souls, we cannot be negatively affected by anything outside of ourselves.
When we wish others to change, criticism and condemnation often fail. Recognizing that none of us are perfect and that we all need to change can be the best way of overcoming conflict.
In Aikido it is said, "Change yourself first, before looking to change your opponent, and in the process, you might find that your opponent has changed himself." Actions, good thoughts, and positive energy speak louder than judgmental words and are the most powerful tools you can use when working toward a better world.
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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Are you avoiding conflict, Rin?
I understand you more than you may think and I have stuck with you.
Remember, I AM AN ADULT CHILD..with years in therapy working on that stuff...
Have you checked out my PERSONAL RECOVERY THREAD where I talked so openly about my FLIGHT vs. FIGHT issues...
Are you FLEEING, Rin?
Just wondering because I do care...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I bumped up that thread in case you are interested.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Here is a fact...I DID NOT have a problem with domestic voilence...burning stuff, throwing things, and any of the other stuff that I've mentioned until I tried to force the will of MB and mine of my H...
That's a fact...so, my POV...things had gotten worse...
Drugs, alcohol, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, self mutilation, suicidal thoughts and trips to the IC...
I've been fleeing my whole life...thanks to my H's A...I'm awake...I'm finally dealing with my life starting with me...if he can put up with all of my trash these past 13 years...I can put up with his for a while longer...regardless, I've won!
My improvements are making a big different in my life...I don't think that I can explain it well enough for anyone here to understand that it's not a separation from my H but more of a coming together...I'm not settling...the issue WILL be resolved but without me forcing the issue like I was...
No matter what is said about my decision, this feels right to me...what I've been doing did not feel right...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
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