Six weeks ago I found out that my husband had begun an long-distance emotional affair with a girl in South Dakota that he met at a bar (where we live in Maryland). They had only been talking six weeks when I exposed the affair. We had been having a lot of conflict and arguing in our marriage the past year so I guess he was looking for a way out.

When I found out about the OW he said he wanted a divorce and he went to Vegas to see her the week after Christmas. She also came here and they spent a weekend in Ocean City - that trip was planned before he told me he wanted a divorce (******!).

He says he is in love with her and is planning a future. He talks to her on the phone all the time & plans to see her again in February. He also says he loves me and is very depressed about the end of our marriage but doesn't believe I can change. He says I am volatile and we have too many arguments - which is true.

At this point we have both retained lawyers and I am supposed to move out of the house at the end of February. He is currently staying with his mother.

I just found this site and haven't read everything yet, but recently I've been trying to be friendly with him, spend positive time together, and meet his emotional needs that I failed to in the marriage. He tells me that she meets his emotional needs and I did not - that it is not so much about sex as about that.

Apparently she is trying to find a job and move here.

I'm going to try Plan A & Plan B is already moving forward with me moving out. So I guess I'm wondering about the long-distance nature of this affair. Does that make it harder or easier to end? He has this idealized version of this person & won't see any ugly side because she is far away. Or could this help my situation because she is so far away and I am here?

Anyone have any advice?

Me - 43, BS
Him - 36 WS
No kids (infidelity = problem for us)

Welcome to marriage builders. I hope you will do some more reading here. Plan A is the starting point. Please study it. Plan B is a long way off.

How long have you been married?

Why do the two of you have so many arguments?

Why are you moving out??? Is the house being sold???

Mrs. W

dont move out...it he wants out, make him leave...don't you move!

Maisy,

I want this to become crystal clear for you...okay?

He DID NOT CHOOSE OW...

He chose fantasy.

His A has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

He is CHOOSING the A. The fantasy. OW isn't real. She's a quickie clean slate, like a pill you swallow, to feel fresh, new, unknown and admired for your image, not yourself.

You know HIM...that's a murky slate.

He is INFATUATED with her...not in love.

These are all for YOU to choose to believe, to know all the way down to your toes...and to not buy into for your choices which only you can make.

Fantasies give you fantasy feelings.

You're real.

Because he wants a divorce does not mean you have to get one...you can fight it...you can strive to save your marriage...if you choose to...

Up to you.

"I'm going to try Plan A & Plan B is already moving forward with me moving out."

I don't think you're clear on what Plan A and Plan B are...because you only do them if you WANT to stay married. I don't see where you want to do that...

Are you waiting to find out how hard this might be before you decide if you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to decide if you want to and then just do it?

"So I guess I'm wondering about the long-distance nature of this affair. Does that make it harder or easier to end?"

Why do you ask? Do you have a time deadline in your head that you're willing to go up to and then give up?

"He has this idealized version of this person & won't see any ugly side because she is far away."

He won't see her as a real person, living together or not, for quite awhile...that's how fantasy works. It can self-destruct faster in person...however, far away, she can't really meet his ENs very well, can she?

"Or could this help my situation because she is so far away and I am here?"

You are a powerful presence...you are his WIFE...you are real. Up to you to decide what you want and go for it...we're here for you. You won't be going for it alone, that's for sure.

We've been there.

Did you expose to all her family in SD? I wouldn't imagine you would yet...because to write letters or make calls that say, "Your sister/daughter/coworker is having an affair with my husband and I want to save my marriage" takes that decision to be in play, doesn't it?

Exposure kills affairs...it takes you choosing to live in total honesty, be a reality bringer, eliminate your own LBs (because that's not who you really are), meet his ENs authentically, from your choice to love, and learn all you can with how marriage can be a thriving union...of two whole, complete people.

If you believe people can change...then respect his belief is different RIGHT NOW...state, "You don't believe I can change or not, so you're replacing me with someone else while you're still married, is that correct?"

You can do what I did and get an MC and ask WH to join you...to decide for real what he wants to do...go, stay, change, etc...and you can go with the stated goal of saving your marriage...that was my road. We're happily thriving now, infidelity free.

Have you exposed to all of his family? Yours?

Is this woman married? Got a boyfriend?

Worth doing the research, even hiring a PI...snooping out their correspondence and finding important information for exposure...all affairees lie...so if she says she's single, she may well be married...with children...or with her BF, while still married, and neither her BF or her BH know...

Be bold and brave...do the right thing and find out...so that others, no matter if you choose to save your marriage or not, won't be in the dark...like you were.

LA

Wow! I guess I shouldn't be moving out! This has all happened really quickly for me - just a little over six weeks but we started discussing separating immediately because he was very insistant about wanting a divorce. In Maryland you need to be separated a year before it is granted.

We agreed that I would move out because I can't afford the house & he is supposed to buy me out. I own a house that I was renting & I am supposed to move in there. But we are already living separately so I don't know how staying here would benefit me. I mean he is very firm in wanting to separate and divorce - he vacilated for a bit but isn't now.

I guess I understood Plan A as being there for him & meeting his emotional needs & stoping the love busters that I do - showing him that I can change & make him happy. I realize it is better to live together to do that but I don't see how I can change this situation now. My reaction to the 2 times he saw the girl was to insist on separation - I couldn't be in the house when he came home from the weekend with her. So what could I say now? I don't want a divorce & I'm not leaving? I don't see that creating an emotional connection! He knows I don't want the divorce - I've told him that plenty. I planned to be a loving friend for the next month & then if there is no shift in attitude to move out & see what I want to do at that point - contine plan A or start plan B. I don't plan to wait 1 year to 18 months for him to come back - I will move on long before that. If he came back at that point & I wanted to try again I would - but I sure won't wait on it.

I've asked him over & over to try counseling - either together or alone but he won't. I see a counselor every week.

Just to add to the situation - we work together at the same school.

I told her parents that she was having an affair with my husband but that was it - I haven't contacted them again. Should I? My husband would FREAK OUT!! I threatened to contact her to tell her that he was still having sex with me & he freaked out & that is when he decided that he definately wanted the divorce.

The woman is divorced and broke up with a boyfriend when she & my husband started their phone affair. She wants to move here & he has told me they will get married & have babies, etc. He told me that in anger & has since backed off - but that is clearly what he hopes for. Out with the old, in with the new.

We argued because neither one of us was meeting the other's EN and we didn't bother to learn how to solve conflicts. I've learned so much from this site & can't wait for SAA to arrive.

Has anyone had experience with long distance affairs?

How long have you been married?

"I don't want a divorce & I'm not leaving?"

Take out the question mark, Maisy...and you have quite a statement.

Is that true? Or does he dictate...his words, beliefs and actions...what you believe, what you choose your actions from?

Do you want to grow from a manipulative life (basing your choices on someone else's actions) to a truthful one (where you choose your words and actions based on your own code)?

That's Plan A. Authentic living.

"I don't see that creating an emotional connection!"

Emotional connections are made when you know what is yours and respect what is not...what is his separate and equal from your stuff. Not before.

"I don't plan to wait 1 year to 18 months for him to come back - I will move on long before that."

You don't plan to wait until you're divorced before you move on? Plan B is to SAVE your marriage...if you aren't committed to that, I respect your choice. If you are...if you want to work on your personal recovery and learn all you can, protect your love for him...continue to choose to love, then Plan A and Plan B are the best I've ever seen...if you're committed.

Right now, your WH is ACTING from his FEELINGS...if you don't FEEL like committing to your marriage, to all that it entails...bringing reality, injecting respect, personal growth, boundaries and standards...then please do it anyway. So you won't be reacting as you have, from your feelings...telling him he's wrong to do so and doing it yourself.

We can't enforce boundaries when we don't hold ourselves to the same standards.

Humans can't.

If you commit in your head, understand your feelings are coming from beliefs and DJs...and they are temporary, they change...and your commitment to love for a lifetime comes from choice...then you can do this. Absolutely.

Threats are SD's...huge LBs. You don't tell him you're contacting her to let her know your HUSBAND is still having SF with you...you do it and tell him you did it. No threat in that. You update her parents that the A continues. That you want to save your marriage and would be grateful for any help they may provide in that pursuit.

You check the divorce public records for South Dakota and find out if she is LEGALLY divorced...don't take anyone's word...get your own truth. Then you find out if she is legally single, cohabitating with her boyfriend and you tell HIM. If she's not legally divorced, tell her ex-husband. You might want to tell him, anyway...she may have broken up their marriage through her infidelity, as well.

Good to know.

One thing you can take to your belief bank...this ain't soulmate, this ain't real at all...she's a serial cheat...know that now. Know that she will have an A on your WH, too, in their future...if they get that far...might be pretty soon.

Choose NOT to believe (and this is entirely up to you) that this is out with the old, in with the new...your self is innocent and that's a slaughtering to self choosing to believe that--creates a lot of pain, and you're doing that to you.

It is an escape from reality...immersion in fantasy. To be in a wayward state of mind takes this formula:

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

All you control are those very ingredients in yourself. When you change those in you, you change those in your marriage...you stop poisoning yourself, free yourself and live in real responsibility.

Your choice.

If your only bounary enforcement to his choice to be unfaithful is ending your marriage, then do so without any of the above. Healthy boundary enforcements are predetermined and progressive...they are seated firmly in the center of reality, live in respect...and embrace human power and limits. Sounds like you had this one in your head, had committed to it...hey, if you don't want to stay married, then I'm out of here. Reactive, not active. Leaves you as a slave to another's choice, not owning your own.

And may happen again and again...until you learn your power, your limits and how to act from love so you fill up and overflow...from your choice.

LA