Please help me understand this:

FWH and I have been M for 11 years this April, together for 14. On 3/20/06 I got the, “I’m not happy, haven’t been for a long time, I want D” speech. Gut feelings told me there was way more to know about this speech than I was being told so I did extensive spying 101. My own personal D-Day was 3/24/06. Found FWH was having an EA that started over the Internet. I told him what I knew to thus point and of course he denied extensively. I went directly into plan A.

He filed for D on 4/8/06. He told me I was going to be served papers the week of our 10th Anniversary. Needless to say I was devastated.
This A turned to PA 5/12/06. He spent the weekend with OW. (first and only face to face visit) While he was away that weekend, I tried to expose to MIL and FIL, but I was told that ultimately it was FWH decision. No support there! That broke my heart!
I continued to monitor and they continued the A via Internet. They did not know they were being watched and I did not tell them.

Anyway, that was the only time the A was ever a PA as OW lived over 500 miles away. Oh yes, they had plans for more visits. He was supposed to go back the first weekend of June 06 but it never did get off the ground.
Apparently the A became too heavy for him to handle because he had what I consider a nervous breakdown. The Friday he was supposed to leave and go see her, he called me crying and said he didn’t know what he was doing anymore and needed help. He started seeing an IC (which he swore he would never do) and has continued doing so till today.
Thankfully for me his IC is pro marriage.

After his breakdown in June, he tried to break it off by sending a NC letter on his own, but apparently went into withdrawal and eventually made contact.
OW began LBing big time as she was very jealous that we had not separated as of yet and could not seem to manipulate FWH into visiting her again. (He made many promises to her, but never fulfilled them) As time went on I stayed in an intense Plan A and kept making deposits in his LB. OW (on the other hand) was very busy making withdrawals.

At the end of July 06 the scales must had finally tipped. FWH and I recommitted to rebuilding our marriage and right away began MC. FWH sent NC letter and from what I can tell there has been NC ever since. (And believed me, I have watched!) FWH has been making every effort know to me to work on the M and make it better and stronger than ever. In fact things have been going so well that our MC told us we should go to an on call basis with him. That was two weeks ago.
Things were great! So I thought…..

Here is my dilemma:
Last Friday I was surfing the computer and decided to take a quick look at some web site history. (Which I have not done in quite sometime) I found that FWH had looked up OWs profile for a quick peek just an hour or so before I got home! WTF?!!! So I went back in time and found that he had been checking her profile on a weekly basis since Mid –December! WOW!!! All those feelings came RUSHING back to me! I was completely SHOCKED!! I felt like someone had just punched me in my gut! Why would he want to do that? Things have been going so well! I thought I was meeting all his needs. I was outraged and horror-struck and tremendously hurt by this. I immediately confronted him with this new discovery.

He says he is SOOO SORRY!
Swears he was just curious!
Swears he will never do it again!
Swears he will never go to that web site again EVER!
Swears there has been NC!
Swears he has no feelings for her!
Doesn’t believe he ever really had any feelings for her!
He was just curious!

WHY WOULD HE TO THERE?!? WHY WHY WHY!?!
Some one please help me to understand…….

MyBad

BS 42 (Me)
FWH 38
2 StepDs 17, 15
DS 9
DD 7

D-Day 3/20/06
In Recovery as of 7/28/06 (and workin’ it)

Calm down, ask him if there is anything in the marriage he is unhappy with or wants to improve on, go back to counseling, keep trying to meet his ENs and avoid LBs, and...Get a software program to block that page.

I understand how this must reopen the wound for you. But, this maybe nothing more than a morbid curiousity for him.

Realize, this was someone at a point not too long along ago he was considering worth losing you over. She is still in the back of his mind, just no longer in control.

Let him know how much this has hurt you, how it has reopened the wound. That his continued curiousity equates to severe emotional pain to you.

Also add this curiousity keeps him from moving on completely.

He says he is SOOO SORRY!

he prolly is sorry

Swears he was just curious!

he was curious ONCE
not over-and-over

Swears he will never do it again!

did he say why not?
I mean, what if he gets "curious" again?

Swears he will never go to that web site again EVER!

uh huh

Swears there has been NC!

I'd believe him , unless you find other proof

Swears he has no feelings for her!

now THIS is just a bold faced lie

of course he has "feelings" ... he's just not saying what they are

Doesn’t believe he ever really had any feelings for her!

he's spinning himself

He was just curious!

[b]well, if he's curious he has feelings ...

he cannot be this dense

do not allow him to soft soap this

it is NOT a recovery disaster by any means

but it does need more introspection than

"I was curious" .... on a weekly basis ...

*doh*

give him a week to think about it

tell him "I was curious" is way too shallow a response and this requires deep thinking and self knowing on his part

give him this chance to show you he can go swimming in the deep end of the recovery pool

Pep

Thanks all for the quick responses. I appreciate the input. I asked him to fill out a new EN quesionaire as will I and we are going to exchange them over dinner Thursday evening. Should be interesting.

Justkeeptrying:
This was like D-Day all over again. The life just draind out of my body and I thought OH MY GOD its happeining all over again.
What is it about morbid curiosity? Maybe the first time was curiousity, but then there was a second and a third and so on.
Obviously he was thinkin about her. (gag)
Was he so conforatable with the M that he thought it was OK to take a peek? No harm done? No one will ever know?
I think he was shocked when I called him on it.

Pep:
I think you are 100% on the mark. Of course there are feelings there. That WAS a BOLD FACE LIE. What those feeling are I may never know. He can't seem to bring himself to tell me. I think he feels like he is saving me if he sugar coats it.

MB
-------------
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

one way you might approach him...

compare this to a drug or alcohol problem

"curious" is just one step closer to the drug

Pep

TELL HIM

if he feel curious again, have him call YOU ... instead ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

and then

you tell him how cute his butt looks in jeans

he'll get more curiousier (made up word) in YOUR direction

Pep

My FWH had a slip up 4 months into our recovery and I was truly torn up. (See my sig line - his was an internet-based EA and he visited THAT site again.) I basically put the problem right back into his lap where it belonged. I told him I was through being the internet police and requested him to find a way to make me feel safe.

The next week he installed heavy-duty net monitoring software and set me up as the administrator. I can set up acceptable hours for internet activity on a user-by-user basis, block site types and specific sites, see a detailed history of internet and email activity, and more.

This made MAJOR deposits in my love bank, by the way.

Oh, and it has come in handy with the teenagers in the house, too.