Hi.I've lurked here for a couple of years and now I'd love some personal advice. My husband of 25+ years had an intense affair which began about 2 years ago and lasted almost 1 year. On discovery we lost our home, church, community, his job and moved. I have very much owned my need to look at myself and how I've failed to care for him.

This past year has been very difficult to say the least as I've grown, been in counselling myself and basically tried very hard to be what I felt he needed. I knew it would take a while for him to "return to me" emotionally as he was so enmeshed with OW. But, it wasn't coming alone and I knew it. Then I found out a few weeks ago that it either never really stopped or started again just a few months after it was supposedly over. So for the last year almost it's still been going on while I was trying so hard to be understanding and caring and forgiving. Man, I was too! (Yeah, I know, not so sharp, huh) SO. This time, no tears, no hysteria. I just said, "You need to leave now."

My question is, I've said I want legal separation because I need something more than words. Assuming (which I question) he does want me still as he says, what do you all think? I've moved into another place either way as I'm not going to go through the aftermath with him again. It's too painful for me and apparently not helpful for him to have me around . I feel if he wants me he needs to somehow come to that on his own.
Thoughts?
BlueHeron

Sounds like you worked a very good Plan A, and are in the perfect place to start a Plan B.

Have you read up about Plan B?

Read what a Plan B letter looks like?

~ Marsh

Welcome. Yes, you could file for a legal separation. Check out the laws in your state. In California, if you get a LS, and decide to divorce, you have to pay for the whole thing over again.

I do suggest that you go to Plan B immediately. Write up a Plan B letter, and post it here.

I don't believe we have to pay again. I appreciate the encouragement. I will do the letter and see what y'all think. I'm glad you don't think I'm being over-reactive.
BlueHeron

I would think your situation is prime for Plan B as you have Plan A for +1 year and now you have enforced your boundary perfectly without LB'ing.

I'm in Plan B and didn't go there until I had my LSA signed that way it really minimized contact between you and the WS.

I highly recommend a LSA, however since you have already moved out you could begin Plan B immediately.

Do you have kids? Do they live at home?

Our children are mostly out of the house and won't be an issue as to time with each of us. Basically, I asked him to leave the evening I found out and he's still gone. When I move out, in a day or two, he can come back here until he decides where to go. I just read Harley's advice though about the out of sight out of mind idea. How do you feel about that?

Actually, we always suggest that the affairee move out, not the BS.

I think you need to go to Plan B to protect your love for him.

Is the OW married?

No, the OW husband divorced her after the first bout. (Yeah, I know) The reason I moved out was due to some proximity issues and that as we didn't move far away enough from original city, I'm still connected there and that's where my support is. WH been out of the house though for 3 weeks since I learned of latest crap. He's not owning responsibility but keeps trying to subtly suggest it's still my fault. Those are things that make me think we'll never make it. That's always been the pattern and I usually accept that guilt/blame. The first time, I took way too much responsibility. Not doing it this time, I never really had a chance to meet his needs because before I was over the shock and was admittedly unattractive to him, he was already back with OW.

I would go to Plan B. It really doesn't matter if it is out of sight, out of mind, because you are the one that is most dangerous to the marriage right now. A false recovery is very damaging, and you may completely lose your love for him if you don't protect yourself.

Be sure to get things set up before you go to Plan B, so that it can be a very dark one.

Blue, first, thank you for spelling "separation" correctly in the heading of your post. It's discouraging how many don't.

Second, reading between the lines, you’ve done exposure, confronted your WH, and followed Dr. Hartley’s program fairly faithfully up to this point. As others have pointed out, it’s time to continue with Dr. Hartley’s advice and go to Plan B. Continuing to allow your WH to be a fence sitter serves no purpose that I can see. Get your strategy for a dark Plan B set up, and then apply it.

BTW, a lot of Plan A is about making yourself into the “best you can be.” Tell us what you’ve done in that area. Have you started jogging or working out in the gym to improve your self-image? How many of those interesting courses at the local community college did you take? Did you finally read that classic novel you’ve been meaning to get to? If no one has mentioned it, you certainly can continue these parts of Plan A indefinitely.

Finally, I can’t quite grasp why you’re moving out of your home if your WH is already gone. My advice would be to stay right where you are unless you have a very compelling reason for leaving. Are you moving back to your family or something like that?

Good luck, Lady Blue.

Threadjack:

Believer: I find your suggestion that a betrayed spouse’s first probing into a Plan B is “the most dangerous” person in a marriage to be outrageous. Frankly, the spouse who betrayed the marriage vows…and continues to betray them…is the most dangerous spouse to the marriage and nothing the betrayed one does can ever come close to that status.

Threadjack complete. Please resume normal programming.

BH,

Welcome to MB. I am truly sorry for your situation. My FWH went a year after d-day 1 with his A. After d-day 2, I was similar to you, spent, calm, beaten down really. In our situation I had plenty to suspect that the A never ended, however, no proof as we lived in different states. When I moved to OH and we lived in the same state, I knew that it was still on and bought spyware for the computer, which is how I caught him. This second year of the A was by far the more damaging year due to the lies and manipulations. I know A's are addicting, but that does not reduce the pain in my book, only helps you to understand the pull. On retrospect, my conditions for staying were not enforced, except for the NC. To my knowledge, there hasn't been any. I said we must go to MC and WH needs to figure out why he has A's. He can never, ever, have another chance with me if there is renewed contact or another A starts. MC started about 8 months after d-day 2, it wasn't productive. FWH doesn't have a clear idea why he has A's. Our recovery has been very slow in part due to my own abilities to enforce, or not enforce my boundaries.

So my advice to you is to decide what you want and need from your WH, communicate this to him simply and directly, and don't back down or there will be a d-day 3.

Tell us more about where you are emotionally, how do you feel about WH, yourself, your M? How old are your kids? Are you still emotionally connected to your WH or have you distanced yourself in order to protect yourself?

No one here can decide for you when to go to plan B, only you. We can point out things for your to consider, so please share.

There are others on this site much more wise in the ways of plan A/plan B, hopefully they will read your thread and help soon.

God bless,

Wow. Thank you so much. I just got back on and was encouraged to find so much help. Ok, here's more:

As for making myself the best I can be: I am quite pretty I'm told and physical attractiveness is not the issue. Our intimate life, for the amount of time we've been married was better than average this past year and better than average before that even. I am pursuing a new interest which includes a home study course and is something we have in common.

My biggest issue is confidence in myself and that's what I've been working on the most. Unfortunately, of course, once this came out my fledgling confidence was slashed at the knees. I've tried very hard to be positive, non judgemental, not demanding, fun and all that. However, I think it was a case of "too little, too late". He'd found someone more of that in every area and my attempts were shaky due to the lack of response I was getting. , notes, time sitting on the couch talking or watching TV, back rubs, believe me, I think I did it. The addiction and the excitement of the OW apparently was too much to overcome.

I know the issues he's facing have a lot to do with his own emotional state of mind and needs. I'm a pretty decent woman and anyone that hears he's doing this is quite surprised. I know it's deep seated issues on both our parts that have allowed this.

As for my living situation, I'm moving because I want to be back near my jobs and family. Also I want to be financially as independant as possible and I can't afford to stay here. We do not own this place as we sold our home and are now renting. I'll be moved out this weekend.

Feeling about him? Let's put it this way, I've hardly cried. I did all that last time and now I'm excited to move on and see what I can become on my own. I feel truly sorry for him and the turmoil he must be going through. He has met some of his needs through OW and some through me. His sense of who he is has been shaken to the bedrock. I'll need a lot of time to be able to find any level of trust after this.

Enough for now...

BlueHeron

Longhorn - What I meant by "most dangerous to the marriage" is that when a BS has a false recovery, and finds out that there has been cheating all along, despite their efforts, they are the one most likely to end the marriage.

I had multiple D-days, and when the love and respect for my WH died, it was DEAD.

Blue Heron - I think Plan B is the one for you. It will protect you and help you heal. It also might be a wake up call for your husband.

Thanks Believe and I hope your life has taken on some positive new adventures since all that. I'm turning in now. It's exhausting, isn't it?
BlueHeron