Good day everyone! I am new here and this is my first post and I am looking for as much help as possible. I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 10 years. We have 3 children. Our marriage has been going south for about 4 years. I felt unappricated and taken for granted through out our marriage. We have nothing in common but our 16 year history together and our children. It was my decision to leave. Before I left I gave the marriage my all. I told him what I needed and asked him to do more and he chose not to. I needed more attention and passion in our marriage. I spoiled him and did everything around the house and for our children. I just got fed up. Well I have been out of the house for a few months now and have started talking to a wonderful man, who just happens to be a good friend of my husbands. I have known him for 2 years and have always felt a connection with him. He is the man of my dreams and we are perfect for eachother. But here is the kicker, I can't get over the fact that I still love my husband, even though we are all wrong for each other. I know it wouldn't work between us, because he just doesn't understand me, or any woman for that matter. He stared seeing someone else about two months after I left, this floored me. He was doing everything he could to get me back and still is. Why can't I let go. I have loved him for 16 years, but he is a clueless jerk. The new guy I am seeing is wonderful, loving, romantic, everything I am looking for and everything that I wanted my husband to become. But people don't change. Anyone have any tips on how to get past this and move one with something that I know that would make me happier. Please help. All advice is greatly appriciated. TY

Sorry, neither one of you should be dating, or even thinking about dating until you are divorced.

Agree with believer.

If you still love your husband, read His Needs Her Needs. Get him to read it. Set up an appointment with Dr. Harley and work toward reconcilliation. You are conflicted (you love him, but he's a jerk). He eliminates some lovebusters and work at meeting each others needs...then things can change.

Also, don't be fooled by the "perfect man" you've met. That reaks of rebound.

Divorce stinks. There's still time.

HL

MsCB...

You are having an affair. "He is the man of my dreams and we are perfect for eachother."

This is a lie you are telling yourself...born of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. I know that lie...I lived it.

Have you read Harley's Giver and Taker? Each human has both...live in your Giver and shut down your taker and you'll experience exactly what you are right now...and do a ton of damage to yourself, your H and your children...it will ripple.

Learning healthy balance in Giver and Taker will aid you in knowing your power, your limits and reality...it will kick the crud out of the fantasy you are choosing right now.

"But here is the kicker, I can't get over the fact that I still love my husband, even though we are all wrong for each other."

There is no right person...all it takes is BEING the right partner.

"I know it wouldn't work between us, because he just doesn't understand me, or any woman for that matter."

He did once...you are lying now...DJing and rationalizing to yourself why you should be able to cheat and break down a marriage without guilt...not him doing it. You are.

I couldn't stomach going over the reach...I felt physically ill. Your children will learn to replace people...they will replace you as their mother...and have other father figures...they will replace instead of grow...because this is the example you and your H are teaching them...ohmygosh...the heartache.

Please stop. Both of you stop dating and start spending time together...you no longer know each other at all...you are both clean slates in reality, waiting to choose...and each of your affair partners are fantasy...they aren't real...because you don't have 16 years with them. You don't. You won't. Affairs don't last.

Do this for you and your children...so your future won't continue to repeat your present. Until you know how you got stone cold from creating and maintaining resentment in yourself, you'll continue.

You're worth a lot more than sentencing yourself to living a resentfilled life based not on your own beliefs, but others' actions...like a leaf in a river...out of control.

LA

CharlieB,

Ok, riddle this one for me. How can a man you describe as Still be available? He sounds perfect and I am sure other woman would feel that way as well. So why isn't he taken?

Next you just answered your other problem. OM is 'everything I wanted my husband to become.' So you married your husband expecting him to change into your dream lover? How cruel are you? You seem to say that your H has no redeeming values, and yet you love him. Got a clue why you should not be around any other men right now?

You two have 3 children together, is it possible that his focus is trying to make money to support his family. He will not be the first guy to feel that his primary goal was to provide money for the family.

If YOU feel unappreciated, please explain to me how you appreciate him.

You say you spoiled him and did everything around the house. But, where you meeting his needs, does he know what your needs are? I say this for a reason. One of the big discoveries that Dr. Harley made in his years of counseling,was that often caring and loving couples did NOT know their spouses needs and how they wanted them met. Harley, realized that often both were really working on the marriage quite hard but not very effectively and thus one or both felt "unappreciated", "left out", "taken for granted", or simply "used".

He discovered if the couples came to know the others needs and how they wanted them met, and then used the policy of joint agreement, then marriage could not only be saved. It could be rebuilt into something much much better.

Please read the aritlces here, and then by two books. His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both by Harley. You are in fact having an affair with this other man. You are married and so is your H.

CharlieB, you and your H have much more to work with than you seem to realize. You are NOT wrong for each other. You focused on the house and kids, and I am betting he focused on his job. If you two will educate yourselves, I am betting your will have a wonderful marriage.

As for the OM, something is wrong with him, trust me on that.

Think about all of this.

God Bless,

JL

The new guy I am seeing is wonderful, loving, romantic, everything I am looking for and everything that I wanted my husband to become.

that's because your relationship with OM is still at the courtship level

NO long term relationship stays in the courtship phase ... this OM is willing to break up a family ... not such a swell character trait

But people don't change.

[b]sure they do

you did

call the Harleys

don't throw away a 16 year marriage simply because you don't know what to do to turn this ship around

there is HELP waiting ... call the Harleys

Pep

Nice post! Honest and clear...something we all need. I am a FWH and I wait...one day at a time. I don't date, I don't hate, and I don't think God's been late! 10 months into the insanity (divorce pending for March) and all I want to be is a great husband and father. I have never been more clear on what I must do...pray and wait. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I would go back to the husband. The new guy could change in time and be no better. I think it is wrong to date your husbands friend anyway.

Thank you all for all the advice and words of encouragement. My drama gets harder and harder to deal with each day. My husband shows me everyday that I made the right decision to leave him. He just dosn't understand me, or our children, or life in general. I feel so sorry for him, but I have tried to show him what life is all about for years now. He just chooses not to see it. Not to make his family a priority in his life. We didn't matter then and we don't matter now. He is just going through the motions. Why do I still love this loser? You would think I would wake up and see that I am better off without him. But no matter what he does, I still miss him terribly. I am miserable with and without him. Gosh I am so confused........

CharlieB,

I am sure you are given that there is another man in your life.

Please think about this very carefully.

JL