This is my first time posting, please be patient with me. I found out about WH affair 6 months ago. He moved out in May 06 and I discovered affair in July 06. Stated he needed to find himself etc. Stated that he ended the affair but could not move back home because things could get very ugly at work. OW is his boss. During that time WH looked for another job. Wasn't successful, so took a job in another department, same company. Still has to see OW. WH states does not want a divorce. Sometimes he wants to come home, other times he's not sure if it's the right thing to do. Spoke to WH about the Harley's and MB's and he said he would schedule an appt. This was last weekend. It has been 4 days and no appt scheduled to my knowledge. Also asked him if we could be in love again would he want to be married to me, he said yes. I gave him SAA and he said he read some of it. Explained the importance of NC. He read that section and stated he didn't want to write a letter because then it would be documented. He would rather just tell her NC. He has been looking for another job, but not very hard. I feel like I have been in Plan A for 6 months. We get really close sometimes then he seems to pull away. He wanted us to go on vacation this Christmas and we all went. Had a wonderful time, and WH wanted to make plans for trip in the Fall to visit his family but seemed to be distant when we returned. Any ideas on what's going on? Do I need to implement Plan B?

Read about NC. He must get away from the OW.

I have encouraged him to have NC. He says it's hard when he has to work with her on projects etc. I told him that I was willing to move anywhere so that we could move on from this nightmare. I'm wondering if he is afraid of the repercussions of NC from OW. She is controlling, his words not mine.

Ani,

I'm sorry that you have the need to be here. This place is full of the nicest most caring people you wish you never had the need to meet.

First step. Your H will never be able to fall back into love with you or fully commit to your M until he stops all contact with this OM. The means seeing her too, not just talking. Until that happens he will live in the between world of wanting to come home and not sure it thats the right thing to do. He is drawn in 2 directions.

How to get him straight and ready to start working with you on your M? NC is a must. My FWW changed jobs to get away from OM. Your H must also.

Start trying to meet any and all EN he will let you. You can ask him to fill out the EN form. If he won't you can guess at his answers.

No Plan B yet. NC and Plan A will be a good place to work for now.

Thanks for your reply. How do I encourage WH to have NC? I've explained the importance of NC but he still works with her. He says he's looking for another job but what if that takes months?

Your H will drag this job thing out as long as he can. He likes to see the OM and be around her.

Why don't you help him look for a job in his field? First step you could do tonight is to help him redo his resume. This would be showing him just how serious you are. You also get to see how serious he his too.

You also need to set your own boundaries with your H. Things that you will not live with. After you have them in your mind let him know what they are. Do this very easy, but as matter of factly.

We've updated his resume and he has a few headhunters working for him. Before Christmas I was sending out his resume for him. I haven't recently because I'm losing my patience. What boundaries should I have at this point in the game?

Ani

She is the one who should be worried about repurcussions. You have her balls in your hands, do you know this? You have much power over her but just have never weilded it. You could probably ruin her career. Did you ever expose this affair?

Part of the reason he vacillates with this intermittant detachment is because he is in a state of perpetual withdrawal and has really not withdrawn.

I know I have the ultimate power. OW husband is also a big wig at the company. He knows about the affair. We've spoken a few times and he believes it has ended, that they are working on their marriage. My husband told me tonight again that he will tell her absolutely no contact, but still does not want to write a letter. Does not want it documented and have someone accidently find the letter. He says he wants to protect himself. What do you mean he is in a perpetual state of withdrawal? Because he still has to work with the OW and can't really move past withdrawal? What should I do?

Update- Asked WH again to have NC w/ OW. Stated that we cannot move forward in our marriage until there is NC with OW. WH still living on his own. We see each other regularly, and yesterday had we really great day. Called him to tell him thanks for all his work work he does for the family etc. Complimented him on his appearance. He seemed to be receptive to it, I guess. So do I continue with the happy talk? If plan A was going to work would he be home all ready? It's been 6 months. He has also said he doesn't want a divorce, that he loves me and can't imagine living w/out me. He asked me and the boys(7,10) to go on vacation after Christmas. We get along well for the most part but I don't want him to feel like he can have his cake and eat it too. How long do I continue Plan A?

I wouldnt say he is in WD. HE is still in contact. You cant have WD when there is contact.

I dont think you have fully exposed. You really need to do this. This was the turning point in my FWH's A. Once I exposed at his work, it was completely squashed.

Ani,

The heck with finding another job! You both could retire on the proceeds from your litigation from this perfect example of SEXUAL HARASSMENT....and both move to where ever your hearts desire.

Just out of curiosity, you should speak to an attorney specializing in these cases.

Your H is working under tremendous stress, I imagine. OR they are winking and smiling at each other as they pass in the hall. EITHER SCENARIO IS BAD. (could it be both?)

Methinks, because he is dragging his feet concerning the NC, the 2nd scenario may be the correct one.

And what about the OW's H?? He ought to be sent here to the halls of MB to get some insight.

You will remain in this stagnent sitch until the NC occurs...or you go PLAN B on his a$$. HMmmmmmm plan B. Forcing him to choose.

I consider the boy is fence sitting. Maybe not cake eating but still enjoying a little of both sides.

k

Thanks for replying. I guess I'm afraid to let his work know. I don't want him to lose his job. Besides the person I would have to tell locally would probably be the OW. She is his superior and is basically the superior for the entire office. I could let HR in the corporate office know. I was hoping to not have to expose that way. The OW husband knows and is a big wig with the same company. He knows how it will look if I expose. Not good for him either. Is there an way to expose without naming names or positions? Where I could just drop a hint and let the company run with it?

Dear Krusht

What is the difference between cake eating and fencing? My husband has said many times that things could get really ugly at work if she found he moved back home to work on our marriage. I don't know if he is just using that as an excuse or if she really is that controlling and psycho. He said she can make his life miserable. He says he's looking for a new job. Sometimes I think he would rather just get a new job and leave so he doesn't have to deal with having to tell her it's over and NC.

Ani:

Your Wayward H said this:



Your response?

"She is making MY LIFE and YOUR LIFE and YOUR CHILDRENS LIVES miserable"

Make a call out to Brit's Brat around here. She is a lawyer and in Human Resources.

If you gave her the facts of your H's employment and company info, I'm sure she could tell you what the settlement could be.

And guess what. If your H had real ba!!s, he would let her make his life miserable.... IT just increases the settlement....

So stop being a doormat, and start being the Shoes. It time to walk all over this mess and straighten out your H and this dysfunctional workplace.

Your WH is stuck in limbo. You need to learn the true Plan A requirements and get his to maove bnack into the house. You say you have talked to OW H and she is back home and "working on her M" according to him. And your WH can't move back? See how quickly he is allowed to move back in when OWH is served with a sexual Harrassment lawsuit....

This limbo land needs to be broken. And that is up to you. You are only half a month into the Harley/MB process. We can help you refine and make your Plan A better and your dealings with WH better. Drop into LilSis's thread and you can see the change as the principles of MB are learned and then applied to the particulars of the situation.

You control this outcome, more than you think. It is getting the understanding of that control that makes this site so valuable.

Lousygolfer...

I'm a lousygolfer too. Thanks for your input. I feel like I've been in Plan A for 6 months. Since the time I found out about the affair, I have been avoiding LB's etc. I just can't seem to get my WH to understand how important NC is. By the way the OW was speechless when I told her "I wonder how the corporate office will feel about this!"" She was also the one in charge of the travel plans for the past two years that had my husband gone most every week. Now I know why she wanted my husband working with her so much.

ANi:

Call and attorney. A good one. One that specializes in Sexual Harrassment cases.

OW is speechless because she is toast. And so is her H.

And if your H sends a NC letter and she breaks it, Cha-Ching!

Or, you never go that route.

So. What are your H's top 3 Emotional Needs?

And yours?

I'd say H's top needs are sexual fullfillment/admiration/recreational companionship.
Mine affection/conversation/recreational companionship. Hard to meet H's needs when he was out of town on business every week for 9 months, home on weekends, then gone again. this was prior to H's A with OW. But she had him working on this job because she liked his company. She used to ask me what I was wearing to special office parties, asked someone in the office what our house looked like etc. I think she was preying on him long before he even knew it. I hate her!!

Ani:

Use that hate to end the A.

You have the power.

Expose the A as needed.

Suddenly, you will see changes that you never expected. Because if you do it, then the WH isn't at fault, and he just might come home. OW may be crazy angry, but so what.

MB troops, what should Ani do next?

My H asked me not to go to the office. Said he doesn't want to bring embarrassment to OW spouse (he is a top dog at the corporate office)to himself(afraid he will be the one to lose his job, and OW (said he doesn't hate her and doesn't want her to lose her job over all this. I don't know if he is truly worried (he's the only one who worked for the past 10 years) or if he is trying to keep me from ruining what he has. Can I file somekind of suit against her or the company for the demise of my marriage or does it have to be my husband in a sexual harrassment suit?