Well folks,

Its been seven months of H E L L since d-day. My wife proceeded to move out of town to be closer to the OM. Since then we have had little contact outside of my emails asking her to return and detailing changes in my life.

The spark that caused the mess in our marriage occured during a series of miscarriages which happened while we were trying to conceive. I was battling depression and was an insufferable jerk to her when she needed my support the most. Its funny how clear things get in retrospect but i can see now that i was an absolute fool. I never abused her, hit her or anything like that, i just wasn't there when she needed me, i was critical and selfish - avoiding the pain myself.

In any case, she decided to have an affair with a friend of mine and off she went. Crazy huh?

The strangest thing is that we have been best friends, spouses, lovers and incredibly, incredibly close for almost a decade. How can these things unravel so quickly without any attempt at reconciliation.

Of the two of us, i've gone to a marriage counsellor and an independant counsellor, i've bought umpteen books, i've made drastic lifestyle changes and i've given her everything she's asked for. I felt like if i could make some real, tangible changes i could win her back but the last email from her reads as follows:

Hey,

Sorry, I havent checked my email in a few days! I'll give you a call on sunday if thats ok. I wont be home until late tonight and it looks like you wont be around for the rest of the week.

I think we should talk about finalizing things. I have been thinking about us a lot lately, and what to do next. I really dont feel any desire to come back to you or the marriage. I am really happy where I am. I have had a lot of time to think about us and what happened, and I just dont think I can get over how badly you hurt me, or the damage that has been done to our relationship. I think divorce is the next step.


Little over a month ago she was talking about coming home and reconciling. I'm blown away. In my heart i know that this is a mistake, i'm very remorseful for my part in our breakdown and am eager to put in the hard work necessary to reconcile but she seems to have shut out the very notion.

What do i do?
How do i respond?
I'm truly at a loss, perhaps i should just give in and agree to divorce but i know that i want to fight for our marriage.
Is this other relationship still shielding her from reality or something? I'm confused.

You have been going thru this bull for 7-8-9 months?

The only time she talked about coming back she linked it to lack of money?????????

What in the name of heaven have you been doing messaging with her????????????????

I'll bet you are giving her financial support also!!!!!

Ever hear of Plan B... a good Plan B not one that we see with 95% of the posters coming to this site.

No email, no messaging, NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT.

Send her you Plan B letter.... and then shut your yap. Refer all divorce questions to your attorney.If she WANTS a D , let her do the dirty work.


If this offends .... I have accompished my goal.

I agree with Cymanca.

I'm not sure guys.

I understand where you are coming from but in truth she's been plan B'ing me.

I have given her no financial support, she moved and got a good job right away.

I feel responsible for my share in the breakdown of our
marriage and have been fighting for it.

You really think i should say "screw it" and throw in the towel. What will that accomplish except for a lifetime of regretting not doing more.

She says that she loves me but "can't come home".

I'm not even sure what that means.

Is she still in an active affair? What have you done to bust it up?

I've told her family who have done nothing because they don't want to jeapordize their own relationships with her.

I don't know his last name, he lives alone, a twenty-something loser, I wouldn't know where to begin to look for his parents number and i doubt they would care.

He replied to an email of mine once wherein i asked very politely for him to respect our marriage and leave her alone. He said that i abused her constantly and didn't deserve her. This was a fabrication which broke my heart.
Was she the source or was he simply living in fog-land i'm not sure.

I didn't abuse anyone, i never have and never will. I was an unsupportive jerk who needed some help but it seems like she has re-written history such that i am some kind of sociopath when i've been a pretty good husband. I stood by her when she was drugged and raped while out with a friend at a club. I put her through university working my [censored] off every day. I made her laugh at least once a day yet somehow i'm now a monster.

Why not get a PI to track OM down? I presume she is still in an active affair?

Track him down and then do what?

It will make no difference. He's single, he's got no scruples or hang-ups, he's convinced that he's a night in shining armor.

At least i can take solace in the fact that he's a complete and utter douche-bag.

You only know what your WW has told you about him. You don't have any idea how he would react to some pressure.

I've emailed him several times. Early on when the pain was fresh i even threatened him which is funny because i'm 140 pounds soaking wet and a pacifist to boot.

She's out there with him. He's surrounded by friends which are now her friends and who reinforce every bit of propaganda which emenates from them both.

Its depressing. I put pressure on him in the beginning but haven't in six months.

Do you think i should make contact? If so, what should i say?

You posted that a few posts up.

If you do nothing you will be divorced.

I guess i'm just confused, a little scared and unsure of how to proceed.

Well, we talked on the phone tonight and she sort of sheepishly brought up divorce.

By the end of the conversation we had set up a visit for a weekend in Feb. Does that seem weird to anyone?

The woman that wants to divorce me is coming to visit and still says things like "i love you but i don't feel in love". Also, when i mention the notion of coming home she usually says "i can't" but always tempers it with a "right now" as if those feelings could change.

She mentioned that her heart was hard toward me and that she felt happier in her new surroundings and thus had no inclination to come home.

I asked why we would rush into divorce and she mentioned that she wanted me to be able to move on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I told her that i would call her next week and she said that she would email me. I said "why don't i just call you" and she said she didn't want to set up a phone date and that i was "moving too fast".

Anyways, does anyone have an opinion about any of this? I can sense that we still share a great deal of love and that she believes that i have improved in some areas but she seems to be residing behind a glass shield probably reinforced by the OM's presence.

Sorry you're here. Before I can post more, I have a question.

You posted:

and then when asked about exposing, you posted this:


I'm just trying to understand how you don't know anything about a "friend" of yours.

If you're gonna follow the MB plan, you'll need to expose fully.

I exposed to his circle of friends online who quickly disowned him.

He lives far enough away that my friendship isn't a deep one, we used to chat a bit and occasionally play an online game.

In any case, i exposed to everyone i could expose to.

Are you telling me that i should expose to the parents of an adult? I suppose i could try but i doubt it would matter much. I tried contacting him via email and i received an insane self-righteous reply about how they "together" decided to "break your vows of marriage" and then in the next sentence how he had "no plans" to have an affair but it "just happened". Contradict yourself much?

Pure nonsense. I should have expected as much from a guy who lived in his parents basement for a quarter century.

He very likley does care if his parents know.

Am i being a doormat by holding out hope at this point?

No. But there is no hope if you do nothing.

Mag, read my words.

You mentioned games...online games .. you're not being totally forthcoming..I know what you mean when you say "You were friends" but "you don't know him .. " ..

I've sat where you are now. My situation was almost identical to yours. .. let me guess at your situation and you tell me how accurate I am .. because I don't believe you're describing your story in it's entirety. Don't take offense .. I think I know where you are.

...the pressures of life were getting to you .. You’re wife seemed relatively unhappy so you escaped into a world of Online Gaming? Was it WoW? EQ? Guild wars? SWG? or another? ..this "friend" was a "Guildy" or someone that you "Partied" or "Raided" with ? ..So when you say you "knew him as a friend.." it was someone that you perhaps hung out with in your online game .. That is why you don't know his last name.. because you didn't know him in Real Life? .. Am I close..? ??

Perhaps .. Your wife nagged you about how much time you spent playing this game .. and playing the game more soothed you from the constant nagging .. or her pleas for attention .. time..affection .. understanding..so you played more..but the nagging continued .. perhaps you introduced her to the game .. to let her play .. to enable you more playing time .. so you could get her off your back ... and it worked .. and she joined the adventure with you .. and slowly the nagging ceased .. slowly there was a quiet hum that came over your home .. slowly she pursued you no longer .. and you didn't hear her please .. she was playing the game .. and then she didn't talk to you much .. that's when alarm bells started going off for you .. that's when you realized something was wrong .. the very game you introduced her to is where she met that person ..

She probably spent hours with him .. chatting, questing, raiding .. whatever. .. and a relationship developed .. an EA .. now it's a full blown PA ..

You may have a gaming addiction friend.

Please visit the message boards @ http://www.olganonboard.org/
and you will read numerous stories similar to yours ..

My sitch was very similar to yours .. but I was able to end the madness ..and recover my marriage before it was full blown PA

please be honest with us .. you're giving us a biased..watered down version of your story .. it's time for truth .. have I hit home? Am I close..

If you want to recover you're marriage .. you've got to face truth. There's no other way.

good luck to you friend

ism

Inshockman,

You are pretty much right on the money. In truth, i gave up gaming entirely and haven't spent more than a few hours in the last 9 months playing games.

She, however, is gone and there are other difficult factors which contributed to the breakup.

In any case, although she speaks of divorce i can't help but sense a little bit of a longing to return.

She is coming to "visit" in February and i have to be careful not to seem needy or place too much pressure on her. I want her to feel like coming back will be no big deal and easy to facilitate. I think that this is my only option. If i go into plan B right now, she'll simply divorce me and walk away.

There is alot of love there and alot of feelings competing with a whole bunch of hurt which prevents her from returning. Any advice on how i should handle things?

At this point i'm trying to be a nonchalant friend who occasionally takes the time to remind her that she is important.