Found papers from a lawyer - W seems to be planning S or D
She seems to have retained an atty. and took tax return from last year - A bunch of worksheets and an atty's signature but hers is unsigned.

We talked tonight and she seems to feel I snooped but neither one of us is truly showing our hand right now.

I have been in Plan A - and doing well I thought until tonight - Asked why things seem frugal right now and C's comments the other day - Turns out we both had referral for same C - C mentioned I was hopeful but then asked what if things didnt work out.

My thread is under - "My Story" it has been eventful 3 months but now I feel like its done

Why do you feel like its done, dg?

dg, if she does file against you, simply contact an attorney to take steps to protect yourself and make sure you stay in your home. But it hardly means anything is "done." Just because a spouse files for D, doesn't mean divorced. Let her know that you won't be participating in any divorce schemes, and that you will take steps to keep your home and retain primary custody of the kids due to her affair. She needs to understand that you won't make it easy on her.

She is really stand offish - We were at D11's concert and found the papers in her car - I must have let on b/c I left in haste after.

We drove seperately tonight and check marks indicate LSA and Divorce - She is asking for custody, has last years tax returns - Filling out worksheets for bank accounts.

She has been saying she is broke although I know she makes good money - Shopping frugally - She has been distant but letting me in enough to talk once in awhile.
Almost like searching for answers when I see C of what was discussed

Im feelng even more betrayed right now - Can almost not even thinking its worth it to invest time and emotion.

dg, so she has not even filed. She is merely piddling around with papers. Why dont' you just ask her what her intentions are? Tell her you saw the papers.

Is she ratholing your money? Is there a bank account that she can clean out? If so, I would start quietly moving some money so can't clean you out.

I agree with ML's suggestion. The best way to show her that you want an open and honest relationship is to *be* as open and honest as you can be, given the circumstances.

Ever since I exposed A - Snooping has her PO'ed - She keep everything like Fort Knox - Papers were locked in her car.

We have separate checking/savings accts anyways due to her handling of finances early in our M.

I pay for all big bills Mortgage, Util. Car Ins, she pays for groceries, water and trash.

Either she is deep in fog or really POed and determined to get even w/ me

Of course she is PO'd, she has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Unfortunatley FOR HER, she does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. This is information about your life, after all. You have a RIGHT to know everything she does.

So, go in there and tell her you saw the D papers and ask her to explain her intentions. REAL SIMPLE.

Also, if you are paying all the big bills, that will leave you shorthanded so perhaps it is time for her carry her load of the bills?

Go talk to the woman, dg!

I know probably putting horse before the cart but the fact that she may be paying an atty. says alot - She can be very stubborn when she gets it in her head.

Somebody could be telling her to follow through, Some of my actions make me look bad and feel like she will walk.

Although she didnt believe me at first when I tried to explain our mortgage - She thought what we owed was w/ interest until I showed her that only 99.00 went to principal the rest is interest and escrow so the look on her face was priceless but she doesnt seem to care b/c if she gets custody - I will owe her 1000.00/month plus

But she might have trouble getting custody if she doesnt' have the house. It also may be hard if you introduce her adultery into any custody action and call the OM as a sworn witness. Be sure and let her know you will be staying in the house and will do your best to get full custody in any D action. She will have to pay you child support. Make sure she knows you will not cooperate with any D action!

Go talk to the woman, dg!

"dear, I looked in your car tonight and couldn't help but notice you have some divorce papers. Since this involves my life, I would like an explanation...."

In some way I get the feeling she knows that I know, She asked if I "snooped again" - I am going to let things cool down for a few days.
I didn't LB really - Just tried to remain calm mentioned I have felt uneasy about some things lately.

I am going to consult an atty for my protection and at this point as I said in an earlier post, Even though I brought some things into this M that were unfair and selfish I have tried to work on those since all this started.

Recently I realize I dont even know her anymore and on some levels I don't know if I do want to know her, This "friendship" has made her an alien but my issues aside she has some issues that she has ignored for sometime.

When we were talking last night, She mentioned of being hesitant about S or D but only b/c of the kids and financial reasons and I do not see the remotest shred of love or any level of care, My ego has been wounded by the EA already and I am not sure I have the desire anymore to work on this.

Ever since the AD's took effect - I seem to have been in a better place emotionally and know I can go on and many times my thoughts did not include her.

As far as telling her I saw the papers that seems it would be a huge LB right now, With all my spying and snooping that made her dig her heels in even more of not wanting to work on things - Maybe she will heal herself and with all the work I am doing on myself maybe someday things will be different.

I keep going back to looking at Plan A & B and how Plan A doesnt work for many - Especially my half baked Plan A early on - She has only been thinking of herself for some time now - From day 1 my thoughts were in order our M, kids, finances and myself and if she thinks the kids wont be devastated and that they will be "alright" then she has to live with herself.

I know I will make it and I know things might not be easy but I have learned a lot about myself and relationships.

I would strongly suggest you either follow ML's advice or hire a good lawyer. The way you are handling this right now and being afraid of your wife is playing right into her hands. If you can't follow what Mel is telling you, I would suggest you call the Harley's immediately.

dg, if you are too fearful to even do such a very basic thing, there is not much we can do to help you. Telling your wife you looked in her car is NOT a lovebuster, it is being honest. You have a RIGHT to look in there any ole time you want.

I fear that you have allowed her anger to INTIMIDATE you, which means you are allowing her to destroy you without lifting a finger. This means she will WIN if you refuse to do anything to save your marriage. And if you refuse to lift a finger to help yourself, there is nothing we can do for you.

Hire an attorney and fight for custody. She needs a big dose of reality. Is the OP married? If so, make sure their BS knows exactly what is happening. As above, people who have nothing to hide are an open book. We have been recovered for 6 + years. Tough love may be needed. Stopping contact is a must. Just stopping in to say hello, but saw you post.

Get an appointment with a good divorce lawyer, $200.00/hr at a minimum. Explain your situation in detail. Perhaps write it all down and give it to him/her. Explain that you want full custody and you want to stay in the house, then let the lawyer devise the best plan to get you there.

Get a copy of Surviving an Affiar and read it and do what it says.

Finally, call the Harleys and talk to them. It may not be cheap, but it is a lot cheaper than divorce.

Thanks everyone - ML especially, Yes I will tell her what I saw, I am not afraid or intimidated, For the longest time I really wanted things to work out now I am not so sure.

I have an appt. w/ one atty for next Tues. and I am going to call others, Consulted one atty early Jan. when W talked of LS but thought I was adressing things more positively and W was just waiting to see changes.

I question whether I want to spend the rest of my life w/ her, Once AD's started to kick in I thought as much about splitting up as staying together - Don't know why?

I am not sure I would want the house even if I could get child support - Too much work/money to get things into shape - When we had a direction as a couple it was easier.

My only fear is that I did write some heartfelt letters concerning my past behaviors and with the DWI a year ago I would have a hard time gaining custody - The only part of A I can prove is one pic of her car in his driveway, some cell phone records from Oct and Nov.

Everything else is suspicion - Last night W did mention that she wasn't sure what she wanted but it only seemed b/c of kids and finances - Still says she is working on her issues - Stupid or not I asked if that was the only reasons holding her back?
If there were no feelings at all would that be good for either of us?

She has not been open to MC at all, Only had 2 visits w/ IC - I've had 4 visits and a visit w/ psychiatrist.

Even early on - I made many phone calls and emails to C's for us to talk to but got WW response - I just want time and space.

I am going to call more atty's to see what I can do to protect myself and give my kids the best I can.

By the way NJ - OM is not married - Divorced co worker and never exposed at work b/c I really only had very weak evidence and that place seems to be a den of iniquity.

GM of the plant was in an A w/ a sales rep - Everyone I have heard W talk about has been D'ed at least once.

I had talked on the air w/ the Harleys a few times, I slipped in late Dec and early Jan and LBed all over the place and w/ W's resentment of exposing to her parents and Pastor she has been as stubborn as a mule

dg, what did Dr. Harley tell you to do?