I just need some adice. I have been married for 10 years and my H has been having a affair for about five month now. I have tryed to get him to go to marriage counseling. I even had him read surviving a affair hoping that that would strike something in him to stop this affair. We do not have any children together and he has always wanted more but I had a tubaligation before I marry him. I have been suggesting that we pay to get my tube untied because of course I would love to have my H child. Now the other day he has told me that the OW is pg and that he is having her abort the child because he knows that I won't stay in this marriage if he doesn't. Because I know his desire to have another child I told him to don't do the abortion for me because I feel he is going to hold that agaisnt me in the long run. I can honestly tell you that if she does keep this child and am leaving because I can not except or even bring myself to have anything to do if his child that is not ours. I am angry and I feel that he was so selfish because I have told him several time how much that would hurt me if this situation did happen. I love my husband a great deal and I hate that my marraige is so screwed up. I honestly do hope that the ow does have the abortion because I want my marriage but I do know that if she does not I am walking away because I just simply can not ever except that child. I don't even want to deal with him calling her and checking on the child and for each time that I have to deal with anything pertaining to that child are marriage will fall more and more apart. So if anyone can share their advice I would be so grateful

deeplytorn, welcome to marriage builders. Please familiarize yourself with the site concepts of plan A, plan B etc. It is great that you have read SAA already so you are familiar with love busters etc. The top of this forum there is a welcome thread by sunnydale. Read it. Also read the link in my signature line.

Do you have children from a previous marriage? Does your H? How old are you and your WH? How old is the OW? Does she have children already? Have you exposed the affair? Is OW married?

Keep posting and we will help you through this.

Faithful Follower thank you for responding. Yes I do have children two and my husband also has two children they are grown now. I am 34 years old and my WH is 36 the OW is 22 years old and of course she has never been married because she is still a baby herself. She has one child I believe he is a toddler. I have exposed the affair five month ago and tryed to work through this but of course he never wanted to go to counseling or work on it. I am always the peace maker trying to still be the caring loving understanding Wife. Now I do understand how we got here but I am so confused because I felt this situation coming because of her age and I knew this could happen. I expressed these thing to him but he still allowed this situation to come about. He did not plan on telling me, he said that he was going to just let her have the abortion. I met my Husband when I was 14 years of age he moved away and that when we had children by other people and I made a choice to have a tubaligation I was young didn't really want anymore kids out of wedlock and thought that was the best decision. Me and my H has always had a really close relationship so when we came back together I thought we would have the vest marriage ever. We always communicated well and our chemistry was always stronge. The hard part about this is my H only wants to talk about this situation when it is convenient for him. I have so many unanswer question I need to know if she is really going to have this abortion because I need to know where I am going and what I need to be doing. I am always afraid to just force him to answer these question and I don't know why.

I understand your fear, you are afraid of the answers or that he will lie to you. Is the A over? I assume he is still in contact with her. Does he want to recover the marriage? What are your boundaries? If OW goes through with the pregnancy do you want contact with the OC? Read some of the other stories here on this forum.

You are also welcome to join some of us BW with OC at

www.survivingbetrayal.com

Its just my advice..

Please consider NC with OW/OC a possibility please.

I think you are correct that he will resent having to make such a sacrifice ("abortion") to stay married to you.

Hang in there

I have been thinking of this often. Please dont let him go thru with the abortion. But to seek other ways. Let her have the child. If he wants to work on your marrage, then seek NC with the OW and have him sign his parental rights over on the child. This child is innocent. He/She doesnt know what and how it came to be formed. Please I push you to think other ways to make your marrage to survive. Like what I stated. I cried when I rec'd this in a blog from a friend the other day. And want to share it with you. Hugs and stay strong.

Month One

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six


I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven


Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .


One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

I don't believe the A is over he is home more and on weekends instead of him being gone until late night is stays in. He still works where she works so I am left to believe that something is still going one. My H does not like to discuss this issue until he is ready. I do make hime because I need answers. I don't know what he wants he say that he does not want to loose me but have been saying that since the A started. My H is very confuse and I am growing impatient with him. My life is unstable at this time because of his action. If the OW keep that child I do not want anything to do with it. That is why I say our marriage will end because I will not be able to deal with that child. I do understand that it is not the child fault but for everytime I have to see and deal with that child I will grow more and more distant from him, so our marriage will sooner or later. As for Bounderies I struggle with that each time I set them I always allow him to break them. My love for my H is really stronge he has been in my life for 20 or so year his family is my family. I can't even think of not having him in my life because he has been a part of it for so long. I am truly torn and I do not want this baby to come in the world

A_pretty_face I do understand your position and honestly I have never felt this way about a child. I am angry and hurt and I care nothing about the OW or her unborn child and honestly that is where I am at right now. Maybe God will help me get past this point. I have never been a person who would ever gorify a abortion but in this case the baby should have never been made anyway and due to my H stupidity this is what I have to deal with. He can keep this baby if he like and I have told him that but we will not be together because I will not deal with that child or his mother at all. I do not have it in me to except that child I will live with constant pain if I do.

deeplytorn I am sure you are hurting I dont doubt that at all. And I am not saying to accept the child from the OW but let her have it if she wants it. And have your H not do anything with her. You and H need to do the NC letter to the OW providing your H doesnt want anything with teh child or the OW of coarse.
What if your H told you to kill one of your children from your previous marrage? Would you do it? Would you love your H just as much? To know you killed your child for him?
You said earlyer you wont stay with him if she has this child. Well then why arent you putting forth in plan A AND making him stop the A??? He needs to find a job elsewhere and if he wont you look for him and get him out the door with it... Tell him you are wanting your marrage to work but cant as long as the OW is in the area and that you feel in order for the Marrage to work he needs to go elsewhere in a job? Or that he is not to have contact with her what so ever and if possible move to a different area of the department or whatever.
If my H told me to abort the OM/OC I probally would have resented him. Even if it meant it would save our marrage. Instead my H and I looked at adoption agencys and found a wonderful family who is taking great care of her. The OM is not even in the picture to this day even in the OC life.
I just dont think abortion is your answer here to "save your marrage" First work on Plan A... NC with OW... and seek MC .... figure out what made him stray to the OW in the first place...Work on yourself *meaning pamper yourself and take great care of yourself*

A pretty face I think you for your advice I am taking time to decide what I think is best for my marriage. I don't have a Plan A or B at this point I some what fill stuck. My action have said I am ok with this whole situation I get angey go off but I still continue to stay in this situation. I know I have at least by now set some demands but I heistant each time I feel like I am at that point. My H is not going to agree not to see that child that is just not of his character. I know he is torn right now because he know how I feel. I did tell him to keep it because I did not want him to hold that agagisnt me but I express I will not stay with him. He knew that would hurt my soul deeply and I expressed that over and over again but he still went and did what he know I was the most afraid of having to deal with. That is why because of that pain I don't think I can except that child so I will chose to walk away and if god willing my time apart will help or maybe it will be done. I have tryed everything I asked him to go to counseling he won't.

When I first found out about the A I went to the library to find a book on helping me understand how my marriage is back at this point. Yes he has cheated two time before withing two years. So because of that I wanted to understand what part I have played into this situation. I found Surviving a affair that book help me understand so many of the mistake I had made. I was so edger for him to read it because I felt it may have help us some. So I do know how we got here. It just feels like I am the only one really trying. Yeah he is home more but that really does not mean a great deal to me. I am lacking so much love and attention and now I feel like how he use to tell me he feels. It anger me and I am just ready to move forward in my life not spend another year or so getting us right.

What EN needs of his have you not been meeting?
If he knows how much it hurts you, whyy has he done it three times?
Who were the two previous OW he had A's with?
How did his previous marriage end?

Now that I know he's done this to you three times, I am amazed at your determination.


Well if he knows it would hurt you (all three times) then he doesn't sound like marriage material.


Are you going to start Plan A?

I have problems in my M (a_pretty_face is my FWW)
but I can't begin to imagine going through what you are 3 times in 2 years.

Your made of sturdier stuff than I.

{{deeplytorn}}

My H had three A's as well. One of which was LTA (3 years) and an OC was born. I was the WS early on in my M.

Is this typical behavior for your H? To ignore a problem until it "goes away"? If his actions do not match his words then you will not likely recover from this A. The OC in the picture will just further complicate your life and marriage. In addition men like your H (and mine) are conflict avoiders. Not a good mix with an OW that has an OC on her hands. She will make demands and you will make demands and the cake eater is born. To avoide conflict he will do as little as necessary to keep you and OW on the hook. Then he will not have to feel guilty. Often men like this will not insist on DNA because it "upsets" OW and they will often let OW dictate how and when they see the child.

Unless your H mans up and tells OW NC and then let her go through the courts for DNA and CS you are in for more turmoil I am afraid.

BTDT and got the T-shirt.

I do give you credit for going thru this YET again. I see what pain I caused my H when I had my A and he did something as well to cause pain to me. We are working at it. But it does take 2 to work on a marrage. If he wants to be with you he WILL work with you in WHATEVER you want to make you happy. And deep down I dont think you feel the abortion is the key to make your marrage to work. The abortion if it does take place will be on your mind regardless if you and your H survive.

work on a plan A and do the EN questionair. See if you can get H to even fill one out. As for DramaFWH yes he is my H and yes we have problems in our Marrage but we both have caused pain unto each other and working them out.

Keep talking and letting your feeling out. The people here on MB is great. I have learned alot and have realized alot from many FWS and BS as well on here.

First step. Getting spouse to talk of the A even if its on there terms. Eventually they will talk when you ask about it.
Second step. Plan A and NC letter from him to her providing he is going to stop the A. The NC letter cant be broken. (Even though Im sure it has many times for others)

Your heart is very VERY big to go thru this 3 times around. I hope he will find his way to you and you find yours on working this M out.

deeply torn,

I am brand new to this forum, I don't have any good advice for you. I can tell you that your world has tilted and it will be a long time before it ever feels right, no matter what you do. I was informed that my spouse might have a son. I thought, 17 yrs old? No, 4 months. OW was 40 her 62 yr old sugar daddy wouldn't let her have a baby. Well she found someone she could conive into getting her preg. She used fertility monitoring for birth control. Refused to abort, refused to adopt. When WS didn't get kicked out by me she sued for support. WH loves kids, everyone. He is great father to mine and ours (1 each). The rule is no contact with OW, EVER!! He chose me, mine, and ours. Every support check is a trigger. Every health insurance payment is a trigger. He must choose. It is a lose, lose situation for everyone except the OW. She is now single raising her dream child, staying home and playing mommy, while stealing from my children. SHE is responsible for the life that OC will grow up in. SHE planned it, SHE chose it. I am responsible for me, my children and the future of my marriage. My FWS is responsible for my children, our marriage not for the outcome of her or the OC. If the OC ever shows up. the truth will be shared. This is devastating to all involved, especially the innocents, you and your children. The OC cannot be compared to children of previous relationships/marriages. Your husband took them on knowing of them before being involved with you. An OC occurring after your marriage exists, should not exist and it is unreasonable for your WS to ever believe that you could tolerate it in your lives. If there is such a saint I don't know where they exist. The ideas of couselors that the OC is innocent and needs to be a primary concern is wrong!!!!!!!! I wish you all the best, know that others truly have been where you are today and that we can get through but it is a day to day process fighting for our lives, loves, and happiness for ourselves and our families.

I think that the OW will have to pay for her mis-deeds in the future. She will pay when OC is no longer a baby and gets old enough to ask questions and wants to know why he/she doesn't have a daddy that lives with them. She will pay when OC gets to be a teenager and challenges her authority because "how dare this woman who had an affair tell me about morals?" is going to come from OC lips at some point. She will pay when OC hates her because OC does not have his/her father in his life or a relatioship with his/her siblings because of the way OC was brought into this world.

Trust me she will pay.

Right now she thinks like she has gotten away with murder but she didn't think long-term. Babies turn into children, teens, and then adults. The repercussions for her are going to be life-long.

Almondeyes I do agree with you. I am a strong believer of what goes around comes around. I tryed talking to my H last night but still we get no where. He is not the same man he is so different right now. My H is very intelligent but right now you would never be able to tell. I express to him that I don't know how much longer I can deal with this situation he never say that he is done. He will always say I am trying. He tells me he does not want to lose me but he knows that if things do not start to improve soon I will walk away. I keep saying I will walk away because that is truly the strongest feel inside me right now. Again I do love my H a great deal but all the negative feeling I have inside are taking over. When I talk to my H i get the feeling that he just wants me to let him have his cake and eat it to until he get his mind right and I just can not except that. I ask myself what world is he living in, we are married not boyfriend and girl friend. This is not how my marriage is suppose to be. I will continue to pray because I just do not know what else to do at this point.

Hes living in a fog. He needs to come out of the fog. I am assuming the OW knows that you know of the A and possible OC in the picture? If not you have to expose him. Friends, family, everyone.


Set up your steps. Start putting a Plan A together. A person in an A of any type will say things to keep you with them. Such as him saying "I wanna work on this" but then doesnt put fourth the effort.


Then go away for the day heck stay away for over night. Dont let H and see if that opens his eyes. Do things. Dont say things. Put your foot down. Start doing the its my way or nothing right now. And if its nothing then Im gone. And leave. If you just keep saying or letting things go HE will keep doing them over and over and over again and all you are wanting is to work on a good strong marrage while he is pulling you. DONT LET HIM PULL YOU. YOU PULL HIM.

I found this interesting. This is not the way to look at this either.

let me be upfront with you. I am an FOw w/OC.

Hopefully this ow will raise this child by proving to her that although she made a horrible miskate she is able to over come that part of her life and prove to be a great mother and YES show her the morals needed to be a great person. If an FWS can change so can the ow. Heck it could have been a very bad choice only once for both the ow and or mm.

Of course the ow will pay. We all pay for things that we've done eventually but why pay with a child? Everyone can be forgiven by the ones that matter right?

The ow won't be dealing with a troubled child because she had an affair with someone.....but every child goes through there fazes no matter how they got here.

Deeplytorn, it sounds as if you are very new here and I am in NO way here to defend the ow in your case. I can see how hurt you are. But here are some very cold facts........Your husband can't force this ow to have an abortion adopt or keep this child. As unfair as it seems, just as the mm can choose what and how he handles the sitch, the ow contols if she keeps or does not keep this child. There is nothing wrong with you going nc until the child is born. Having DNA done and everything done through the court.

You have no clue how many times your husband will probaly throw all this through his head of what he wants to do, and what he will do, and he will finally end up doing when the time comes.

Although I don't necessarily think as highly of Plan A here, I do think this time before the child is born to do what you should do to save your marriage if you choose so. This time is going to tell you what your husband is going to do. As far as the marriage goes. Actions! He knows how you feel. Okay so he won't go to counseling, you should start. It could open the door for him later. Hopefully sooner than later though.

The T/J I saw had some very good points to make. The thing is you have to start healing some before you even begin to think clearly. I've seen it work with oc and I've seen it not on these boards. Personally I have NC with xmm. It bothered me at first, but in our case it was best. I think both parents no matter what should be involved in the childs life but it'snot a perfect world at all and it can't always happen. Yeap the ow will have some obsticles to overcome with it, and so will the ws and his bs if the bs chooses to stay in it, but hopefully everyone will see it as it is what it is and go on to live a good life and learning by there mistakes in the end to show all the kids that you can over come this.

If your husband can get over this cheating thing if I was you I would truely re-think this whole thing because YOU are the one being hurt over and over and worse it seems everytime it's exposed.

Don't make any rash decissions right now. Work on you and your marriage and watch if your husband starts to work on your marriage as well.

Trust me when I say that time can heal all wounds. Maybe not completly, but enough to make your marriage work and deal with this sitch you are up against right now. Stick to your guns and don't be walked on.

Remember that baby is not here right now. You may think you could not deal with it....but you don't know until you get some healing done, and see what is going to happen with your marriage.

Regardles how that child came about and if your husband has contact or nc if she is a good mother that child will be fine! Mine is> She is still young but I have no worried about it except your normal everyday worries that ALL mothers have.

Remember if you choose to stay in your marriage together you and husband can deal with this.

Nice post atpeace. I would love to hear more about you.