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Hello everyone I am new here. Nice to meet you all. I am in need of help. My husband and I have been together for almost ten years coming up this june and have been maried for 8 this coming April. We have four beautiful kids and a beautiful house. I love him with all my heart I think he is the best thing that ever happened to me yet he has not been meeting my emotional needs. I try and talk to him and tell him what I need and when I do he says that I am nagging him. Then he says that if I leave him alone and just let him do it in his own time he will. So I left him alone and he still never tells me he thinks I am a good wife, that he loves me, I like to go out and have fun and he thinks we should spend all of our down time with the kids. I am a stay at home mom and I have them most of the time and I need sometime for myself without the kids and alone with him. I would love to talk to him and have him listen to me without acting like what I am saying is boring or irritating him. I would love for him to not fuss at me when I make a mistake. When he messes up I am more than understanding but he just goes on and on when I do to the point I don't even tell him when I do something I know he would not like. Recently I have found myself being more attracted to other men and I told him about it. It got his attention but he shutdown again after a while. Then one day he after I told him what I needed yet again he told me that like I got a cleaning lady to help clean the house I could get someone to affirm me. He just didn't know how close I was to doing just that. After we moved into our dream house I realized I had a crush on one of the Customer Service reps that work with the builders. I was flirting with him and he flirted back all while my husband was there. I had asked him to get me flowers for a while and he would not do it. He said that if he went out and got them that he would be doing it not because he wanted to but because I wanted him to. Then like magic the next day after the flirting incident he came back with flowers. He has been way more attentive and affectionate. I know he is commited to our relationship because I told him I wanted to go to counseling and he agreed to go. However even with all of the progress we are making ( I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again) I am still afraid to let go of talking to the CS rep because my husband has this pattern of giving what I ask for until he feel like the pressure is off then he goes back to being inattentive again. I love my husband and we have both been faithful to one another since we have been together, but I feel cheated because I feel neglected and I don't like it. I need advice I don't know what to do. Any suggestions are helpful. Thanks in advance. MB
Last edited by DIG; 03/25/07 09:25 AM.
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL
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Sorry to hear of your pain.
Welcome to MB.
There is an Emotional Needs form on this site (over to the right of your post)that you can print out. You and your (H) husband fill it out and go over it with each other.
Please get thru to your H that you are looking at other guys. Looking back my wife told me the same things and I ignored her. She then had an EA and my world turned up side down.
Best wishes
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Thank you maybe. I printed it out before I made the post and I plan on going over it with him tonight. Whis me luck I will post how it goes. Did your wife only have an EA? How did you find out about it? What qualifies as an EA? Thanks again. MB
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL
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We have couples (and with 4 kids) that are having affairs right now. One woman left her 4 kids, and one took them and moved in with her lover. I hope your husband wakes up BEFORE something drastic happens.
Not only is it dangerous to your marriage, but it is a miserable way to live. The MB plan is for couples to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, WITHOUT the kids.
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May 8th 2006 Monday 7:34 AM
My wife and I both have the same modle cell phone. On the way out the door to go to work I grab "my" cell phone. Nope it was hers. I didn't know that at the time. I turned it on and it had one VM. I hit play and heard OM telling my wife how much he loved her and how he wanted to M her one day.
HATE that day!!
EA means talking and meeting each others EN. Thinking that they are falling in love and in some ways I guess they were.
Moving on:
Good luck with your H. Make sure you have his undivided attn. Make it very clear that this is important to you and your M. No games from him or letting him just blow it off.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Forgive me but what is EN. I think I maybe having an EA. I would not want to do anything to hurt my family but I have felt neglected for so long I feel deperate. I don't want to hurt the people I love most. What to do?
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL
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Mary,
Is this sales guy you know making you feel good about yourself? Do you wish your H was more like him in some ways?
What have the two of you talked about or done together when noone else was around? Do you seek him out?
EN =emotional needs.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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EN=Emotional Needs
EA's are more dangerous to a marriage than a straight sex PA IMO. Emotional attachment makes an affair hard to break.
Have a look at the links in my signature below - click on the Infidelity FAQ one.
There's lots of good material, freely available on this site.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
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Mary,
Here are 10 EN that "we" talk about here on this site. Some people have more some don't need all of them.
Does this (OM) other man meet any of these EN for you?
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration
These are things that only your H should be doing / meeting with you.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Heres another question and then I have to go for this nite.
Would your H care if you told him word for word what you and the CS rep said to each other? What would your H say?
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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We have not really done anything outside of talking on the phone or talking when he comes here to fix a problem. He has invited me to lunch. I have noticed I don't like when he talks to my kids but it's because I feel like they are scared to me and my husband and the only reason he is doing it is because he wants me. How weird is that? I had a huge crush on him but it's not so bad now that my husband is making more of an effort but I am afraid because what happens if he stops again like his usual pattern and I do the unthinkable? It's what I am afraid of. To answer your question he likes to have fun doing alot if the things I would love to do but because my husband acts more like my dad and is so over protective tries to keep us all in the house where he feels like we are safe. It drives me nuts. I like talking to the other man. He likes talking to me. When I talk I can he listens to me. Also when I talk to my husband he only talks about whats going on with him and the things he likes he doesn't ask me what's going on with me. When I try and talk to him about me he either makes me feel silly or like he is uniterested. Also I like to know if my man thinks I look good. I am an attractive woman and he never lets me know he thinks I am and the OM does and it feels good to know someone thinks I am attractive. Hope this helps.
MB
Last edited by maryamb; 01/31/07 10:44 PM.
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL
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No I don't think he would. We haven't discussed anything sexual and I have not done anything to let him know how I feel.
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Mary,
You will have to stop seeing and talking to this OM. Why would someone who isn't your H ask you to lunch alone? Or tell you how attractive you look?
You know this isn't right. You came here asking how to change things. You need to set your H down and tell him how you feel about this OM. Let your H know where he is coming up short on meeting your needs.
Mary, if you keep going like this you will dig yourself in deeper than you are. You have 4 kids, a good home and good H. Sure your H can be better, but you need to help him see that.
First thing though is stop seeing / talking to this OM or you will regret it one day.
Second thing is tell your H about this OM.
What do you say???
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Yes he makes me feel good. I am 30 and he is 22 and attractive, funny and he likes to have fun like me, However I think my husband is more attractive. I also don't feel like he is trying to be my dad instead of my equal.
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Hello marylam.
Please stop talking to that other man right now. It wont help you in any way to keep in contact.
After that, with the help of MB and people here you can make a plan to solve your problems with your husband.
Don't even think of living this "good feeling" kind of relationship (EA) as a backup in case your H dont meet your needs, it wont work. Before you know it you will be killing any of your H atempts to satisfy your needs, just for you to justify this EA.
That's the easy way to satisfy your needs fast.
Stand up and make him listen to you. If he really doesnt, go for D.
Wish you all the best. Glad you found MB before it's too late.
d-Day- jan2006 Me 38, WH, 36 Children-8 and 10 status: slow, slow, recovery...
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Hello lost. I know what you are saying is the right thing, but why does it feel so hard to do? All I want to know is if my huband finds me attractive and interesting and when I try and look nice for him he ask me am I going to wear that instead of saying I look nice. check out my myspace @ www.myspace.com/maryamtb and tell me if that is such a hard request. I have been asking him for years to do this. Also he is very critical and when I try my best to do the things he ask he rarely acknoledge them but let me mess up and he is all over me. I love him I think he is a great man and father but he has issues. I know I did to and I have been woking very hard to change them. I go to counseling and read and do lots of selfhelp work. I want it to work for our children's sake but I can't make him give me what I need and if he loves me I should not have to. Ya know. MB
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Ok everyone I did the questionaire with my H and I found out alot about how I was neglecting him as well. He wants me to be more open and honest, he wants me to tell him when something bad happens. I told him when I do his reaction makes me not want to and he said that he will work on it. Also he wants me to cook more and fold clothes.(BTW this is one of my pet peeves.) We had tried to compromise as far as this goes but he never folds them. I love to cook and I am a very great cook however when I take all the time to prepare meals and I don't get any this is great baby or thank you I feel like what the ******. I have already said that he is very overprotective. Well he says that I should watch the kids more. I think he does it to the extreme and he worries when he is not here because he thinks I will let something happen to them. Our kids are7,6,2, & 1 not once have anyone of them been hurt in my care. I have not had to take any of the to the Dr for being hurt in any way. I told him with this being the case I must be doing something right yet he still harps on about the kids. I know he does it out of concern but it's at a point where it's paranoia. He also told me that he would like to go out more with the family which made me really happy. I thought it was just the opposite. It was late when we did this and he was tired from working so we will do mine tonight and I plan on telling him everything then.
What kills me is whenever I try and address anything about us he says that I am picking. I can't just be happy I have to always find a problem. I told him that it is because he thinks that everything is ok that he refuses to fix the problems. I told him I don't want to do anything to hurt and I because I feel neglected I feel more capable of doing things that will hurt him just so I can have my needs met.
Now what I want to know is if I do the questionaire and we discuss my needs and we both working on our relatioship and he goes back to neglecting me how do I determine when enough is enough. What I want to know is how or when I know if I have to throw in the towel.
Also I want to know if you think if what I have done was a bad thing? Thank you all for your help.
Last edited by maryamb; 02/01/07 08:25 AM.
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Mary,
I have read your posts and I will be back with more in a while - meeting now.
Your last question though:
What you are asking about? What did you do that may be bad? If it is talking to this OM then I don't think it is so bad right now. If all you did was talk to him and now you are feeling wierd about it and came here then good. You see that it could go wrong real fast so you will have to stop talking to this guy.
I would rather have you learn now before it gets to be too deep and people get hurt more.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Thanks so muh for your kind words and helpful advice. Yes that's what I meant. If it was wrong for me to talk to the guy. Yes I can definitely see how it could have gone wrong real fast. I thank God that my husband noticed that I had a crush on the OM if not for him being so perseptive and becoming more attentive to my needs I could have really gone for it. I have been praying like crazy. I still can't believe how common all this is.
What is funny is seeing how I have tried and tried to have him meet my needs and doing the things he asked of me were still not having my needs met. I can't be judgemental. I know if someone came in the picture with him and was meeting needs for him I wasn't that it would be as much my fault as his if he had and A and I would be willing to work it out. It is so easy to get sucked into something like this no matter how much you love your partner. You want to fill that void and most of the time it is not with something positive. Temptaion is a motherf*****.
The way I felt about my husband when we first feel in love I never would have thought I would even think about another man. Imagine my surprise.
MB
Me (32) H (33) 3 DD's 9,8,2 1 DS 4 Married 4/19/99 According to Mrs. W I am now Delightful in GA. LOL
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So Mary, what is your plan to not get involved with this OM? Also how do you think you can work with you H to have him meet more of your needs?
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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