Ok, I posted in the GN area under the heading of "Wife won't wear wedding rings". My wife and little boy have been staying at her mom/dads house for a week. We agreed to this, since the way she works and I'm working midnights. Just helps with the little boy, but also gives us space which she ask for. I start my long weekend in the morning and I'm pondering asking them to come home for the weekend. Should I ask, or just let things be like they are? I've seen my little boy this week(with her) we went and had dinner a couple of times. If shes cheating, I don't care(I have no proof, physical or emotional). I just want her to know that if she'll stop, I'm more than willing to try and make things work between us. That is, if she wants to continue the relationship with me. How long is ample time to give before you start going crazy and think you have to demand an answer of which way we need to take the relationship? Any help is appreciated.

Welcome to General Questions. The problem is, IF she is cheating, she won't want to give him up and come home to you. As long as there is another man in the picture, your marriage has no chance.

The starting point is Plan A, where you show her what a great husband you can be, with no begging, pleading, angry outbursts, or disrespectful judgements.

Also you need to do some checking and see if you can find out if she is cheating or not. I read your other posts, and all the signs are there.

You need to check the phone records (look for 500 calls to the same number), install a key-logger on the computer, or a voice activated recorder in her car or a GPS tracker.

Ok, wife has decided to come home, tonight. BUT, she has stated her feelings that for the time being, kissing and sex is out of the question. I can deal with this(for awhile) because I'm thinking it stems from what I told her about me and my addiction. She has agreed to sleep together, just no physical contact other than small hugs and pecks on the cheek. I really feel we can make this work, but I'm an extremely sensitive guy who loves affection and it's just going to be tough. Any thoughts or insight on what might help me make it through? Thanks

LH, are you snooping on her to find out if this is an affair? What exactly was the purpose of this little "seperation?"

lovehurts, I went back and read your posts and found this:


Cuthbert gave you great advice but you have ignored it. You won't save your marriage unless and until you get up and do something to save it. The first step is snooping on her and finding out what is really happening in your marriage.

You are not going ANYWHERE until you get the truth comes out. This is hopeless unless that happens. You can't fix the problem until you KNOW what it is.

The Titanic is sinking, friend, and you are fiddling around with the leaky toilet on A Deck, understand? You have a marriage to save here. If you won't lift a finger to help yourself, at least do it for your 4 year son!

LH23

"Some women are trustworthy and I believe she's one". Well guess what you and every other betrayed husband on this board. Look around at the number of Sunday school teachers, christians, mothers, mothers of toddlers, grandmothers, etc on this board having affairs.......

You had better do some more snooping and be alert so that you can implement a plan to end the A if you find one. My bet is that she is having at least an emotional affair with some man and is discussing her marital probelems with him.

I've been doing a little looking, and will probably continue. But for the time being, until anything concrete comes up, I have to believe she's not doing anything.(But hurting) We had a good day yesterday, nice conversations, and having fun with our little boy. If I forgot to mention this, I am seeing a MC but so far she has not. I went to see my MC yesterday for the 2nd visit and it was productive. Came out understanding her views a little clearer. She has found another lady(MC) that a friend recommended and she is suppose to go see her, for her first visit, tonight. I'm worried and scared at the same time. But she honestly needs to talk with someone. So I hope she can relieve some of the stress and anger that she is holding and hopefully still come home to me tonight. I wish her the best and I hope she understands I'm in this for the long haul. I can only hope that she will come to the same conclusion.

Well, she went to talk with the MC that she found. Said she agreed with some of her views, but some she did not. Does not plan to go back. Valentines day was ok, she made me brownies and got me a card. I sent roses and got her a card. Now my delimma: We have still not kissed(on mouth) in 2 months. She is staying at home and we do sleep together(no sex) but she still does not show me any affection what so ever. Before she leaves for work, I'll give her a hug, when she come home, I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek. Before bed, I kiss her on the cheek and say goodnight. She didn't even give me a kiss on the cheek for valentines day:(. I'm trying to hang on and give her the space she needs, but this no affection, is weighing on me. Any advice?

LH,

Before I caught my FWH in his affair, I had many people telling me that he was, in fact, having an affair. I didn't believe them, couldn't believe them.

I can tell you now, that no one could ever pull the wool over my eyes on this again. I know ALL the signs. And I hate to say it, but your wife is showing all the signs--needing space, showing little to no affection. It's all part of it, LH. It's all part of the "the script."

Please investigate further. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Oh, yeah, LH, my husband took off his wedding ring, too, while he was having his A. Who knew?

Well the other night we had a nice conversation. She said she was glad she came back home and that the past few weeks had been a nice change compared to the last few months. After hearing this, I was so happy. Guess I'm just looking for some positive feedback. Does it sound like we're doing ok, or is this just false hope? Just trying to hold on.

lh, I notice you mention you have your own deamon to battle. What type of addiction(s)?. How are you doing in that area ?. I assume this is one of your love bust'n .
-rh-

My addictions were porn/masterbation. I've kicked the habit for about 3 months now(thanks to the Lord). Although my wife had decided to leave me before I told her of the addictions. I guess it was like adding fuel to the fire, but I felt I had to tell her. Said, she has forgiven me of this, but still needs time to understand why I was lacking in her EN before. I've changed alot for the better, I love her and am willing to do whatever it takes. She is a wonderful woman.

Continue in Plan A. That is all you can do. I suspect at least an emotional affair. It is so unusual for women to want to leave the marriage without at least attempting marriage counseling.

Good job on eliminating the p/m. Also pay attention to spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Do you do that?

Since things have been getting better, we have been spending more time together. Although it's mostly with our little boy around. No time alone, except for bedtime conversation. Had a nice day yesterday, dinner and the mall. Still have hope.

I worked midnight last night and when I got home this morning, she was getting ready for work. I have tried to keep my feelings to myself(since we have not had sexual contact for 3 months now) but this morning after she got dressed, she looked so sexy and I couldn't help myself from telling her. She smiled and said thank you. Well tonight we met(with our little boy) and had dinner out again. I again just had to tell her how sexy she looked. When we got home, I had to rush to get ready for work and I ask her for a hug. When I looked into her eyes hoping for some form of affection back, she just put her head down and would not even look at me. I know I should be strong, but I'm so sexually attracted to her it's getting unbearable. Where I had my addiction to porn/masterbation and I have quit, I have not relieved myself in these 3 months and I'm starting to hurt in that area(is this normal?). She has told me that one of her friends whose husband confessed to porn did not have sex with him for 6 months. I don't know if that was a hint or she is just trying to wait it out and see if the way I've changed is for good or just to get her back. Even though we are living together, we are seperated. She's my wife, should I ask her for help to relieve my pain or would this be a smack in the face to her? Should I just take that she hasn't left as a good sign and this should be enough grounds to hold on? Any insight is appreciated.

love hurts

i don't get how masterbation affected your marraige or contribute to the environment which allowed the A to happen

or even how it was an addiction

unless this was IN PLACE of SF WITH your wife and therfore her needs were going unmet

i'm not asking to be nebby

and you don't have to answer what you don't feel comfortable posting

i'm asking because your recent post is stating that you feel a desire for SF....your wife is not going to meet this need at this time

i understand that some partners do not like or feel comfortable or even believe in watching pornography

but i'm wondering why masterbation is not an option for you unmet needs in a safe way

but then again......i don't understand the idea of an addiction to it

LH23,
Please see direct reply to your questions below:


No, you should not try use your pain or guilt as a ways of getting SF. This would be a LB, I feel.


Yes, you should take this as a good sign. Every day is a new opportunity to start "Plan A" for the day. This gives you some opportunity to build in the love bank, assuming that there is no A going on.

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IMHO, you have ignored everyone's advice on snooping for an A. Let me restate what has been stated thus far:

1) Your wife has stopped wearing her wedding rings
2) She gave the ILYBNILWY speech
3) She has moved out(to you MIL) and then moved back in
4) She has requested "No kissing or SF" for undetermined time (She hinted 6 months)
5) You have admitted to "porn and masturbation" addiction

All of these items above are screaming an A on her part. I never thought my wife would do it either (I would assume none of us ever do). Regardless:

What was the cause of her to be so unhappy?
Why does she not want to give you SF? (I understand you think it's the porn but ASK her)
What have you done to look for the TRUTH in all of this?
What do you want out of this situation?
What are your personal boundries?

Please start deep diving into the root cause of all of this. Simply ignoring it WILL NOT make it go away. You need to seek the TRUTH and stop being a proverbial doormat. I realize it is difficult, but to salvage anything you must do this, I feel.

Good luck

The masterbation started as a young child and continued through our marriage until last December(that's why I call it an addiction). She did not know until I told her this December. The porn didn't really come into play until getting internet as a young adult. It did not curb my sex drive, but she always complained of not having a sex drive like mine. I would get upset, when she would refuse. Since I have quit the addiction, I cannot relieve myself because I would be relapsing. What I want out of this is my family back. Regardless of sex(although it would be nice), I love her. I think the deep root of all of this is not meeting her EN because she says she has forgiven me of the addiction. I have been doing some more checking and I still cannot find any hint of a PA. But, who knows. I feel like I cannot go on.

LH

to the best of my knowledge.....many, many boys start masterbating and continue it when they are adults

many men have high sex drives

many couples do not share the same sex drives

many men request SF and the women decline.....and sometimes the men get disappointed

i'm sure all the things above can be said for some women too

an addiction is something that consumes your thinking, something that you do that is causing you or those you love harm, something you have no control over and can't or won't take the steps to change.

you need to consider those things

and how often you were doing this......

before you can determinif it is an addiction

it is not an addiction just because something you do is not something that your spouse LIKES

your offer to give up something that is part of many mens lives, at a cost to yourself, to make someone else happy is not a good plan

i do hope you have other reasons to believe this is an addiction

also....love

i do believe your wife is most likely having an affair

all of the signs are there

please don't ignore them for so long, like i did, that too much damage is done to be fixed

the longer an affair lasts....the more likely it is to break up a marriage

some things for you to think about

how long has your wife had this attitude about SF with you?

have you considered that she was declining SF with you because she was getting it somewhere else?

have you considered that she is using this 'sexual addiction" idea to have an excuse to avoid SF with you because of her A?