Sorry that happened, but all the signs were there.

How long have you been married? I forgot. Any kids?

Does the OM's wife plan to fight for her marriage? Hope you directed her to MB.

LH,
Have you decided what YOU want? If your WW just admitted to the affair now, you are probably in shock. Please do not make any decisions or take any drastic actions while in shock.

Seven years ago, my WW and I agreed to get a D when I was in shock. Then a week later when it wore off, I decided I did not want to D, and started Plan A. After about 6-8 weeks of Plan A'ing we were talking and I asked her what her grounds were going to be if she filed. She realized that it wasn't hopeless and we reconciled.

In any case, make sure you decide to do what you want and don't let the WS babble bewilder you into agreeing to something you do not believe in.

How would a D affect your son?

lovehurts, I am very sorry to hear about this. I am not at all surprised... but I feel for you. I will pray for you.

As I said to you on the EN board, there is a lot you can do, now that you know about the affair. Plan A and, if necessary, Plan B, give you the best possible chance to recover your marriage. If you still have strength enough to fight this affair, MB will give you the tools to do so effectively. And there are plenty of people here who have managed to win back their cheating spouse, and managed to rebuild their marriage to something better than it was.

It's your marriage, too. You also get a say in how in ends, if it ends.

Good luck, buddy, and I'll pray for you.

I have forgiven her and we have reconciled. She says she wants to continue our marriage, if we can deal with the things that were wrong with us before the affair. She has agreed to see a MC together! She supposedly told him today that we had come to terms and that what they had, had to end. I said supposedly because now I'm extremely cautious what I'm going to believe. But I do love her. She is a good woman and I would like to think I'm a decent man, we just made some stupid mistakes. Time to stand up tall and move forward. Wish me luck. Thank you all for the support.

during your counseling, please address your concerns about masterbation

i really think you are mistakenly thinking this is an addiction

I have spoken with the OM wife and we are talking about meeting so we can discuss whats happened. Since I'm trying to reconcile with my wife, I really don't think this is a good idea, but, she tells me that she feels somewhat connected to me(because we're going through the same thing) and that it helps her to hear from me. I am a sensitive person and even though her husband did this, I feel for her. I feel comfortable talking with her and she does understand what I'm going through. Would it be a good idea or not? Any help is appreciated.

i DO think this is a good idea!

is SHE also trying to save her marriage?

also......i think it would make your W very mad and very JEALOUS

i wanted to meet with OWH for this reason..we talked about it but she convinced him not to

he agreed because he didn't want to save his marriage

she convinced him not to.....wonder why? he already knew everything i had to tell him

i'll tell you what her reasons were...at least the one she told me because she called and left me a message

"Don't call my STBXH anymore and don't try to see him. You have no business meddling in our lives and no reason to speak to him or see him. If you do, then you and i are going to go round."

translation....
*******
i HAVE EVERY RIGHT to sleep with YOUR H...i'm even living with him and pretending I'M his wife

but you have no right to even speak to my H

because I WANT BOTH OF THEM

and i'm not going to share either of them with you in anyway
*******

i wish he had agreed!!

Hey lovehurts, please make sure you are following some kind of recovery plan. Please make sure your wife agrees to No Contact with her OM.

Your situation reminds me of that of a friend of mine, a man I met here on MB. Like you, he thought his bad behavior was the source of his wife's threats to leave him, and like you, he refused for a long time to believe she was having an affair. And, like you, he eventually discovered the truth.

In his case, his wife promised to reconcile, and he tried to do so. She never appeared to be "with the program", and never really put her heart into recovery. She refused to send a No Contact letter to her OM. And they eventually went back to a situation where she blamed him for everything and wanted a divorce.

It turned out that she never stopped seeing her OM, and her attempt at recovery was a sham.

I'm not saying this to bring you down or to rain on your parade, but rather because I don't want to see you go down the same road. Keep your guard up, and if your wife is still acting "fishy" or "dodgy", trust your instincts.

All the best!

lovehurts,

I think I may have come across as too harsh just now... I'm not saying this isn't real, or that you can never trust her again. All I'm saying is that if you do things right - which is what I mean by having a recovery plan - you'll have the best chance of getting through this. And to do it right, you have to be wary of backsliding on the part of your wife.

Regular GQII posters can explain this so much better than I can...

CC, no harm done. I should've listened to you in the first place. I will continue to be wary. What is your opinion on meeting the OM wife? I have told my wife that I had emailed the OM wife and that we had talked. I really don't think she likes it much. But I feel so compelled to meet her. Any suggestions?

Hi, lovehurts,

My initial reaction would be for you to meet her. The OMW can be an ally in making sure the affair is really dead and stays dead.

If your wife has a problem with this, that might be an indication things are still fishy. On the other hand, she's probably still going through "affair withdrawal", so she might be acting fishy anyway, and might have a problem anyway...

Anyway, for what it's worth, I think you ought to meet with the OMW. I think that, even if she has the best intentions, your wife may find it difficult to completely end the affair - and OMW can help watch the other end of things.

Other people here will have a lot more practical advice on how to do this. I never had to go thru any of this, as I was spared this cup. (My wife almost had an affair, but in the end chose to stay faithful.) So, most of what I know is just from my understanding of general MB principles and my understanding of human nature, neither of which qualify me as an expert.