Hi SD,

Sorry to call you out like that, but I had a question I needed to ask. I was reading through Jim's thread yesterday and in one of your more recent posts to him you said that often a spouse is long gone from the marriage before the start of an affair (I am paraphrasing)

This got me thinking. I am a BS, my WW was in an affair on and off with the same person (her boss) for 3 or 4 years. She left the company about 6 months ago, but there is still plenty of contact between the two of them. I catch some of it sometimes and it is pretty intense. He is pushing her hard to leave me and come be with him. He left his family thinking the two of them will be together. My wife is a little less emotional these days and the other night told me that she doesn't want to leave her family (we have a 3 year old) but she is really torn over this whole mess. She says she is not sexually attracted to me and hasn't been even since before the affair. She says I am more of her friend and she doesn't know if she can get that "spark" back for me. The converstion was not emotional, more like she was just stating the facts.

That is what got me thinking when I read your post to Jim (specificly the part I mentioned above) I want to say this is just "fog speak", but maybe she is just done and has been for a long time. Is it possible to get that "spark" back if only one person is really trying? She doesn't want to leave her family, but she still carries on with this guy. She even says she doesn't necessarily believe the grass is greener on the other side. She just doesn't know if she can see me in that same light ever again.

I am in plan A and have been for the last 5 months or so. She does see the changes (as she said to me the other night) but still feels she can never see me in a romantic way again. I love my son more than life itself, and I would lay down and die for him to never have to feel an ounce of pain in his life, but I just don't know if I can basically just be roommates with someone in order for our son to be raised in a two parent household.

So how do I take this? Do I call this fog speak, and just continue on with plan A, or is it possible I just need to take her at her word? I know what people on this board say, but she just sounded so convinvced that what she was saying was what she truly believed.

throughtheglass -

I'm not SD, but I'll take a stab at answering your question.


You wife was in a LTA, and still has contact with OM.

Of course she's not going to get her spark for you back!!!!!

Recovery CANNOT begin until NC has been established. That is an absolute, fundamental cornerstone of the MB program.

As long as she is getting some of her ENs fulfilled by OM, she will never be able to fully re-commit to your marriage.

NC has to be established. Without that, recovery will not happen.

What have you done in Plan A to break up the affair? Have you exposed it? Have you exposed to OMW? Remember, there's a carrot and a stick to Plan A.

Hi Healingbird,

Yes, everyone knows. Our parents and siblings. I did confirm with the OMW after I last posted here, and he did in fact move out and she is filing for divorce.

I guess he really feels like at this point since nothing bad has happened to him, that he will go full steam ahead in trying to woo her away from me. I did see some of his text messages and he is hitting her emotions HARD. I hve asked for NC,but she just covers her tracks better now.She doesn't see him, that I am 99.5% sure of.

Hi throughtheglass -


My wife hasn't seen OM since December 2005. NC is still not established (at least, I'm not 100% sure it is) - there was contact as recently as Nov. We've gotten nowhere in recovery (IMO), even though she's not seeing (physically) OM.

If your wife is not willing to establish NC, what will you do? What are you prepared and willing to do?

Have you done a good Plan A? Have you stated your boundaries and are you willing to enforce them?

Have you re-exposed the A with each new contact?

Healingbird answered your question perfectly.

Without NC, the affair continues at some level.

Without NC, withdrawal never takes place.

Without NC, the fog remains.

Without consequences, contact will continue.

Sorry for the late response, but hb did great!

SD