I have been posting at MB for a few days and have gotten really good comments. Several MB'ers advised me to move on to new waters and not to spy on her since I am in a sort of plan B. I did not follow the advice and snooped on her email two days ago. This is what I found:

“I quit my job yesterday. Can you believe it? It feels good. I'm now stressing
about telling the new boy I'm leaving. We REALLY like each other. So it's
sad. But to stay here for a dude I've gone out with a few times is probably
not the smartest.
I am planning on coming to the bay to visit you (and others, and maybe
him) quite a bit. So I hope you won't mind an occasional visitor.”

Do you think she moved on? Is she having an emotional affair? Do you think it got physical already? Ladies, you are better at interpreting other women words than men. What do you think about it? After reading this two days ago, I felt such calm because I thought this was the perfect sign to move on. However, yesterday night the doubts got in my head. What if they haven't been physically together? What if the "others" she refers to is me? I don't know exactly what to do. I feel it is really time to move on. I even thought that there is a pattern from her in which she is abusive to me. Her first affair happened when we were at a very ruff point in our relationship. The second affair happened when I told her I was not ready to move in together. And now she found a guy right after our relationship crumbled. I am starting to think that as soon as she feels it is getting ruff or that she does not get what she wants she makes herself available and look comfort in another people. I am wondering if she does this to somehow punish me for misbehaving and not giving her what she wants. Some kind of unconscious passive aggressive and revengeful behavior. What is your opinion?

If you want to get the full context of the saga follow this link.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3176764

Oh good grief - I'm not a lady, but I can offer you this bit of advice - get away from that woman as fast and as far as you can.

casad,

This is exactly why snooping is bad.

Warning: I'm not a woman and I'm not politically correct. If you only want positive feedback, don't bother reading what I write.

Still here? Okay, let's be blunt, pardner. Your WW is scr**ing around with other men simply because it pleases her to do so. I doubt what she's doing now has anything whatsoever to do with you. She’s simply gone...emotionally and physically.

If you'll read Dr. Hartley's books, you'll find he isn't optimistic about recovery with a serial cheater. In your case, I suspect he’d advise you there is little to zero chance of getting your marriage back on track. I don't speak for him – you would be well advised to get a personal consultation from Steve Hartley or another of the counselors, but I think it would come down to the same thing.

I’d say you have more than enough information to conclude you cannot reconcile with a woman like your WW and Plan B is entirely appropriate. Actually, I’m pretty sure Plan D is the healthiest strategy you could devise and need not be delayed, but that’s up to you. It would be entirely appropriate at this point to see an attorney ASAP to find out how to protect yourself and your finances against a WW who doesn’t want to work any longer.

In any case, go completely dark. Quit intercepting her emails, etc. It serves no purpose now to torture yourself, so stop picking at the scab. Learn to live well without her and get on with your life.

Hey guys,

Thanks for your replies. From the responses I got from my previous post and this one, there is a consensus: Let go and move on to a better life. It is true, I do not want to be dealing with this kind of stuff of her having affairs every time things get ruff. One thing I do know and knew from before is that I could not take anymore pain. My emotions go up and down. Sometimes I feel liberated and others sad and angry. There is a tough road ahead of me. Even though she was not the best wife/girlfriend and inflicted a lot of pain on me, we did have some great times and she helped me a lot. She is also the person that knows me the best. I am sad. I am very sad. I cannot deny that it hurts. But maybe, as Hiro said, I might only loved the idea of having her and not being alone but in reality I did not love her. I found some emails today she wrote when I was in Mexico last summer. She was asking me to call her to Italy and to email her. She asked me not to hurt her feelings anymore. I did not call her or email her that often because I was traveling and did not have internet access all the time but I also did not feel that much like doing so. Honestly since the affair, my love for her changed. I stopped feeling safe. Additionally, during the pre-affair months, I was going nuts. She put me into a lot of emotional turmoil because she was going crazy partying when she was abroad and making herself available. She made a lot of guy friends with whom she hanged out a lot with in a one to one situation. It was just a matter of time. I found this when I read her journal after I asked her to leave the house. I even found out she had just been a week abroad when she went to a river with a guy to see the sunrising while cuddling up with him. He asked her to kiss him but she said no because of the commitment she had with me. She wrote she could not tell me because I was going to freak out. How come I was not going to freak out? I also read that a month later she saw a hot guy at a carnaval, kissed him, and gave him her contact info but the guy did not go to meet her. She even wrote that it could have been good that he did not show up because she did not know what could have happened. After I read that journal, I understood to some extent why I was feeling so out of control and why I was in such emotional turmoil. I realized why I was going crazy and was reacting in ways I had never done before. I guess it is now time to start healing. Time to work on myself. Do some deep soul searching to find what were my mistakes and be happy with the next woman I find. When I was my ex physically during the times I or she visited while we were doing long distance, I found myself wondering several times how would it be to love someone that have not had cheated on me. To love someone without having the pain of infidelity in the back of my mind. To love someone that haven't had inflicted such deep psychological abuse on me. I did have an affair too. But mine was a revenge affair. I am not justifying my actions though. It was wrong. However, I was completely out of control and had been out of control for months. My emotional needs had not been met for months and the only thing I received was rejection after rejection. I will fully enforce Plan B from now on and go in the dark. I will contact her in about a month or two to move to plan D. I want to wait until I feel I am more in control of my emotions to move to plan D. I don't want to talk to her right now because she is seeing this guy and, in fact, having an extramarital affair since we are still married. I am sure she will be offended, defensive and will call me crazy for wanting to divorce. I am sure she will tell me that I am always threatening her with leaving and that by asking her for the D is just another time of me doing so. I don't want to hear that I am still the same and that I have not changed. I might be anticipating myself but I know her reactions and the claims she make. Additionally, I am hurt about the fact that we had just taken a trip together for 12 days where we had a blast and had just agreed to give us some time apart to heal and break the bad patterns we had created so we could come back together, and a week later she is dating a guy she just met. Moreover, Two weeks later, she finds out that she and her new boy REALLY like each other. I am sure that if I call her now, we could end up fighting again and not move anywhere. I want to end my relationship with her in the most civilized manner. After all, she was part of my life for five years even if she does not know how to keep her pants on.

casad,

I suggest you remain here on MB. There are other forums here which may suit you more in the future as you progress out of this mess you are in. IMHO you have no clue what a real relationship is - let alone marriage. I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm trying to suggest that you learn from this, learn from MB and make your next relationship a success.