Hello Everyone... this is my first time posting, though I've been reading material/discussions on this site for a few months now. I came across this site after doing a general online search about how to survive an affair & purchased 'His Needs, Her Needs' book- which I have read most of and found very helpful. I'm going to post 'my story' later on but really needed to get some help & insight right now... so I will try to explain our situation as thoroughly, but briefly as possible.

My H and I met & started dating over 16 yrs ago when I was 14 & he was 20... yeah, I know... but we met through our church & H was a very immature 20 & I had grown up really quickly due to my very dysfunctional homelife.
We married (under pressure from his family b/c we were living together) in 1997- I was 21 he was 27.

We have ALWAYS had a rocky relationship... from the very beginning. My issues clearly stemmed from my abusive childhood & had a lot of anger, etc. Fortunately, I have gone through several years of therapy, have stayed connected spiritually & have been a grateful member of a 12 step group (4 relatives of addicts) for the past 20 mos.

My H has struggled w/ a lot of anger issues stemming from his childhood also- he learned his father was actually his 'adopted' father when he was 18 (doesn't know who his bio father is); was treated for ADHD & uncontrollable tics as a child & was teased mercilessly; his 1/2 brother (that is his Dad's bio child) was treated very differently growing up, etc. My H has struggled w/making good & healthy decisions for all his adult life. He has been arrested 3x since he was 20 for stealing (most recent being 3 yrs ago). He has had more jobs than I can count, has had several businesses (one currently) that he has repeatedly run into the ground due to poor behaviors. He HATES confrontation, doesn't seem to have respect for authority/law, etc. Has struggled w/gambling & pornography addictions also. There are too many things to list... but hopefully you've gotten the picture about his flaws, struggles, etc.

NOW... the 'other' side of my husband is that he is one of the most gentle, sensitive, generous, kind-hearted people I know... that I have been privy to see this 'core' of him since we met. At least, I think that is his true 'core'... that's what I'm unsure of. I have always believed (or convinced myself) that if he would just get the proper medical help, behavioral therapy & re-connect spiritually that all of this other 'stuff' will clear the path to the person that I believe he is deep down. His family & I believe that there is some other medical issue (bi-polar, possibly) that hasn't been addressed & have tried to get him help for several years.

Now onto what brought me here...
Around 6/06, I found that my H had posted his profile on several dating websites- as a single man without any kids! I confronted him upon discovery & he agreed to see a therapist alone & together... which lasted on/off over next 2 mos. H didn't come night of 7/7/06- I packed up our son & went to stay at a motel b/c I thought I would lose my mind. H finally came hm next day & told lies about where he was, etc. Other clues over the next 2 mos gave me further suspiscion that he was having an affair.

During this time he also came home w/ his f***ing tongue pierced!! Completely out of nowhere for this preppy H!! H said he thought it would be 'erotic' for us- I was completely repulsed & begged him to remove it (I've since found out that OW was with H when at piercing). 4 days after tongue piercing- we went on a family vacation (w/his fam) to CA. He was very distant & had a lot of 'private' phone calls that it was obvious he was talking to OW while on our family vacation.

We got hm on 9/5/06 & weren't even back from the airport for 5 mins. when he was running out the door. I asked him if he was off to see the OW that he had been talking to the past 2 wks. Typical response... I was paranoid, distrustful, etc. I packed up our son & went away for next few days. H didn't seem to care- he was already in 'A'. I told H that he had those few days to get his things from hm that I was changing the locks on 9/9/06. And we have been living separately since then.

I officially confirmed 'A' on 1/25/07 when OW admitted that they were having a 'personal relationship'. I will post later to explain what has happened over past 5 mos. since living separately.

Basically I would appreciate some feedback as to whether or not our marriage is a good candidate for working the MB philosophies/program. Because of H's extremely difficult history & our constant rollercoaster relationship... I just don't know if these principles will apply. I believe whole-heartedly in our vows that we took before God, and desperately want to keep our family together. Our poor 4 yr old son has gone thru so much emotional trauma these past 5 mos... it's killing me to see him go thru this.

I don't know... maybe I'm just looking for affirmation that I shouldn't throw in the towel just because of our rocky history with an 'A' thrown on top of the mess...? I need support... please. Thank you for listening/reading...

You couldn't have found a better place!

Welcome -- but sorry you have to be here.

There are quite a few posters who have dealt with Bi-polar spouses -- which is the biggest problem you face, in my opinion. They just don't respond normally or think normally.

Have you exposed the affair?

Have you read up on Plan A and B?

has he been doing drugs?

WH's "stealing" arrest 3 years ago .... addicts often steal for drug $$$

have YOU gotten complete STD testing including hepatitis B&C????

he seems high risk to me ... but you picked him! So whether or not you want to Plan A then Plan B is entirely up to you...

sorry for your child, he did not pick this life, that's for sure

Pep

Thank you for the responses...
I have not gotten tested for STD's since learning of the affair... but am going to. I do not believe he has been doing drugs, nor have we ever been drinkers... but can not be for certain (I belong to the 12 step program for relatives for my qualifier, my Mother).

The theft from 3 yrs ago- was such a random, unneccessary thing... it made absolutely no sense. He tried walking out of Sears with a printer (which he could have paid for & didn't even need). At the time, seemed like a cry for help because it was ludicrous... who knows??

I have exposed the affair to his & my immediate family members plus a few close friends from church... that was all that seemed appropriate. Obviously, I've confronted both him & the OW- which she seemingly does not care that he is a married man... So both of them seem like unconscionable, disgusting people. I've held on for so long... praying... hoping that he would get help for all of his struggles... I don't know what to do anymore. Our son is the helpless victim in all this & I am trying to protect him the best I can from this mess.

Thanks again... I'll post again later.

the tongue piercing is cause enough for you to get tested for STDs (hepatitis)

if your WH has an untreated mental illness

and he refuses to seek treatment and stay on treatment program

you are not wrong if you throw in the towel in order to protect yourself and your child

when an adult is ruining his/her own life with silly choices, a small child ought not to be drug behind swallowing all the backwash

so
whether or not the marriage can be salvaged is secondary to the safety and mental health of the child

priority numero uno
the child

if you need help keeping your child safe ...
get some

Pep

I can only imagine the pain you are going through. My friend went through the same thing a few years ago. Her husband had an affair with a co-worker and it did not surface until 2 years later. They attempted counseling but his heart was not in it. He moved back home but went back to the other woman (without saying goodbye to his family)after only 4 days.

My friend wanted things to work out and continued to hope that he would return. Her family criticized her for wanting him back and his family criticized her for considering divorce. I told her that ultimately, it is her decision. Is she willing to continue in a relationship where she has been wronged and where trust will be extremely difficult to rebuild? Or is she willing to settle for less and turn a blind eye to what happened?

She said she still loved him but the things that were coming out of her mouth often was that she did not want to be alone and she did not want the kids to suffer. She soon came to realize that these reasons were not good enough to want to stay in this relationship. She realized she deserved better and went through with the divorce.


Some people obviously do not take their vows seriously. Staying together for better or for worse refers to trials that both partners must endure together. If you are hanging on because of your faith, note that the Bible says that no one should divorce unless one of the two has committed adultery.

It's a very difficult situation, especially if you still love him and you have a child together. For myself, that's the one offense that would immediately kill any love I have for the person. I also would not want my child to learn that they should ever settle for less.

I wish you well. Just remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and that God would want a loving relationship for you.

a couple questions before I chime in. Is the WH seeing your son currently? some sort of visitation, or is he so far in the fog that he is not even keeping contact with his own child? I know what the ___ does that have to do with anything right?

If the question is one of possible mental illness and the WH still wants to see your son, then your son will be influenced by WH on visitation periods. So either way if you stay or go does not save your son from the emotional trauma. If WH is still seeing son then I say file for divorce and an emergency custody hearing. Have one of the conditions of WH's visitation be that he see a shrink and possibly get on meds first. Then you can always drop the divorce later. And work on the M at that point. If he's not seeing your son regularly anyway, then just plan A from a distance if it is in your heart to save a marriage.

The bible says infidelity is the only reason God will accept for a divorce, but it also says "God hates divorce" and that divorce is only allowed because mens hearts are hard.

I think the answers to your questions "Should I be here" and "Should I throw in the towel" are things you are going to answer yourself.

One of the posters here once told me that God chose you to be the perfect man for your wife, and you for her. That made so much sense to me. If you believe in marriage, believe in your marriage, want to make it work, and are willing to do the work (and there will be a long road ahead of you, nothing is ever easy) then YES, I would encourage you to post here, read the concepts, use the tools.

I will never give up until the ink is dry on the divorce decree because I believe that an unrecognizable relationship can result from the work that will go into it. I always remember the goal, and this life is too short for giving up on things that are important to you.

Nothing anyone else tells you matters, it's in your heart alone when you think of "Do I try or do I throw in the towel".