my husband and i are separted due to an affair. my daughter has not want nothing much to do with her dad since this has happened. then all of a sudden she goes over to his house today and then the next thing i know she is asking to stay the night saturday. she cant stand the OW and her kids(yep she is married with 4 kids)(full story posted under "state confusion")i told her that we would have discuss it and then i get into it with her and her dad saying she should be able to make up her own mind about this. i just want to protect her because when something happens i will be the one dealing with this. i have been upset all day. i dont want to be the bad guy but i have to be the one who thinks of everyone involved. am i putting too much thought in to this?

Normally I would be totally against allowing this, but given the age of your daughter I worry that telling her that she can't stay would work against you. I think her being around WH and OW and all their drama will utlimately flesh itself out and she will despise them both. This is my prediction.

Now if the children were younger I would likely have a different opinion.

You will get a lot of mixed reactions to this. I'll tell you what I think. I believe that a parent should stand up for their morals. Doesn't matter to me how old the child is. I would NOT allow my daughter to spend the night with a dad living with his mistress.

My boys were 18 and 21 on D-day. They have 6 step-siblings who they are great friends with. We used to have lots of family gatherings. When WH started bringing OW (and we were still married), I told my sons that I thought it was very disrespectful to me and our marriage to attend.

It was fine for them to spend time and do things with their s-siblings alone, or with s-dad, but having OW there was OUT for me. A whole bunch of people here didn't agree.

Now that we are divorced, my sons attend family things, and it doesn't bother me at all.

I would just clearly spell out for your daughter just what her dad is doing and let her know that while it is her choice to stay if she so chooses that you see it as her legitimizing the affair relationship by staying there under those circumstances. It is important that a child be given a moral compass setting and even if you cannot force her to follow it, you still need to get your thoughts across to her. I can tell you that teenage encompasses a lot of years. If it were my 16-18 year old... I would let her make a decision... if it was a 13-15 year old I would make the decision for her... Your WH is putting you and his daughter in a horrible position. I am sorry you are faced with this.

My kids were given a moral compass and forced to follow it, at least while they were under my roof. No drugs in my home (mom didn't need a search warrant), no underage drinking, no opposite sex friends in the bedroom.

I agree with MEDC on this.

Let your daughter know how you feel about it and why. Then you have to let her make her own choice. If she desides to go let her but make sure she is aware that had you made the chioce she wouldn't have. Other wise she is in the age range that will resent you for trying to run her life for her. This could cause problems with you and your daughter if not handled correctly.

DR

DP... remember I would not allow a younger teen to make the call though. That would be a line in the sand issue between my partner and me.

Believer, I do not disagree with the way you handled this. I think as a parent we have to make tough calls and while I can see myself letting my 16-18 year old making the call for himself... it certainly is something I would re-visit if I thought he wasn't mature enough to understand the circumstances.

We are most definitely on the same page with our parenting B. I would never tolerate this stuff while they live under my roof... and beyond. I tell my son that he will ALWAYS be accountable for his moral choices to me. He may not answer to me later on in life... but he will ALWAYS know where his father stands on important issues.... even when he is 35!

dr pizza -

My kids DID resent me. They called me the warden. But you know, from the time they were little, all the kids in the neighborhood were at our house. And that went on until they were on their own. Over the years, I only had to ask 2 boys not to come back, and both of them later ended up in jail.

I helped raise 8 kids, and NONE of them have been in trouble with the law, they ALL graduated from highschool, half went to college, they are working and self supporting.

We had some run-ins over the years, but once they knew the rules were the rules, it got real easy.

In bsj's case, the affair will never last. But the lessons that her daughter learn will last a lifetime. I would have a VERY frank discussion with her.

Have you talked with her anymore?

I would seek a lawyer today with mandated

NO OVERNIGHTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE HOME...

period......

what a crappy message to send your daughter...

moms and dads are replacable
wedding vows are really vows...they're whims...

take your daughter somewhere fabulous saturday night with her friends..
have a sleep over...

over my dead body..
till there's a divorce signed and dry...
NO overnights with STRANGERS

no playing this is OK

ARK

And since when does following the defintion of marriage make you or anyone a bad guy...

you can't CHANGE the meanings of defintions just to appease feelings...

marriage is all about forsaking all others..
thats what it is...
thats what defines it...

oy-veh

AKR

My lawyer actually recommended using wording regarding no overnights with anyone not related by blood or marriage, or some such thing, to eliminate any romantic interest (not just opposite sex). That was from her past experience. And, it's in the custody agreement, which holds even after the divorce.

morally guiding teenagers is synonymous with inserting resentment/resistance in the relationship

parenting teens is VERY dynamic !!!!!!!!!!!

it's their developmental task to ~push back~
it's the parent's responsibility to resist the pushing

if a parent surrenders their responsibility to guide their child's choices in the arena of morality ... the child is getting short-changed

the teenager loses when a parents cares too much if the teenager will "get mad" or "not like me"

if you have a teenager I say GET USED TO IT

if your teenager does not like how you restrict them from making poor decisions .... you're probably doing something right

get this matter into court

with this kind of moral chaos, your teenager is very HIGH RISK for early reckless sexual behaviors !!!

Pep

This would depend on the age of the "child" for me.

If coming of age is nigh then I might take this approach.

"Do you want my answer as a parent/guardian or do you want me to recognize your impending adulthood?"

[this is a trap btw...I suspect that the teen will seek what they anticipate to be the consequence free "treat me like a grownup"]

If they answer "as a parent" the answer is simply "No".

If they ask you to recognize their impending adulthood the answer is "I will be very hurt and will regard it as a betrayal, if you choose to legitimize the affair it will damage your relationship with me."

Really either way you are NOT supporting or enabling the affair..and the "child" has the opportunity to learn about how our choices really impact our relationships.

update:
i just want to thank everyone for their opinion.
my daughter and i did some talking about this today. i told her that i feel that she shouldnt stay the night that right now she is getting her and her dad's relationship back on track. i said i know that you have to be uncomfortable over there with her and her kids and i dont want you to feel like that.i said because that was the house that me and dad was living at and to see someone else there and for her kids to be in your old bedroom is just not good for you. i told her that since she has went over there this past week that her attitude has changed and she has been really hatefully and i think it is all due to the fact that she is not ready for that. i said i really think that your dad should still come and spend time with you here at our house till you can handle this better. she said that she missed her dad but does hurt her to see him with the OW in our house. I said that is why i dont think it is such a good idea. because you are showing your anger towards me when it is really nothing about me and you it is over that fact on how hurt and angery you are with your dad and the OW.
i have to say she listen to me. once i get of of work we are going to talk more about it. so i hope i can smooth things over where i am not being the resentful wife and trying to keep her from her dad.

good job!

Yeah, good job. You know, I didn't even think about how uncomfortable that would be - moving out of your own home, and having the mistress and her 4 kids move in, and sleep in your bedroom. YUCK.

we talked more about it and she admitted that she was hurt to see her dad with this other woman. but she misses her dad and she thought she could get thru the hurt as well.
she says the OW kids were okay and she didnt have a problem with them. ( which i have always told her it was never the kids fault)i said well if you get along with kids then do an active with them outside the house. Like bowling or something where the OW is not in your face all the time.
i said just tell your dad that you would like to go back to him coming over to our house until you feel better about going over there. she said she was going to. and she is not spending the night at her dads house tonight instead we are making suckers and candy for valentines day.(YES!!!!!!!!) and i have no attitude or anything from her about it. i made her to believe that it was her decsion but i just nudge her to avoid going over there and explained on how she has been so different this past week and think she really seen it in herself as well.
thank you guys for all the advice.

You really sound like a wonderful mother. I'm proud of you.

The things you are doing are going to make your life better, and I'm sure your hubby will be joining you when he gets tired of the chaos.