So...what does it mean to plan A your spouse and plan B the WS????

For those who are in a quandry about the above statement, please allow me to clarify.

While the WS is in your life, it is hard very hard to know HOW to deal with them. THEM??? Yes them, the split personality that comes and goes in our lives and leaves most BS' and family frustrated. Often we go stumbling over our own feet because we just know know how to act. Seems like we are always doing the 'wrong' thing...or at least it feels that way.

So what's a BS t/d? Hm..... I was in that same place of frustration a few years ago. I read, I planned, I studied, I questioned, I queried, I tried real hard....tried hard to know HOW to act and when to act and what t/d. Still my little feet kept tripping me up. The WS and Ow would laugh.... I could even hear it around me. The ears of a BS get quite sensitive during this time. We can hear a lot and them out imagination really graphics it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Then in stumbles the idea....well it came because during the A, I did see inklings of my H but not enough to take him as is. It was sporadic at best and didn't last long. The WS had a strong hold on my H. Still I witnessed the struggle.

I was told to plan A but I was also getting quite worn out. I could plan A but not for long. So I had to make a choice. Plan A or B? Hm.... both seemed so hard. I knew plan B was a permanent move and well combing the 2 is not beneficial to the BS.

I decided to give the plan A your spouse and plan B the WS routine a try. Even the WS knew my plan....why not? I did not treat him well when he choose to be WS like. Nope, he didn't have in/out privileges, he had to knock to enter our home. He had to check his attitude at the curb because I refused to allow such characters in my home. There were times I even asked him to identify his attitude self before I would let him in. A couple of those times, he removed himself because he knew he was being a WS and was there to hurt me (emotionally/mentally)....still was hurt and he knew it.

What did this do? For me, this stance taught the WS he was not a welcomed character but my real H knew if he was allowed to come out, he would be shown not lavish love but a general nice time.

I learned to control and was selective on how I treated H vs the WS.

When the time came to go to plan B, I was able to without regrets. This too made an impact on H because he knew it was what I had to do.

I honestly believe that when I implemented plan A the spouse and plan B the WS, it scared the WS straight. Not immediately but in time it gave H the power to fight back.

The sightings of my H became more frequent than in the past. Eventually this hurt the A and brought out the OWs true colors.

Maybe someone can come by and explain it better.

JMHO,
L.

OHHH....now I get it, Orchid.

I thought it was something like when in Plan A, treat him like H, and when in Plan B, treat him like WH, which I couldn't quite figure out. In fact, what you are saying is...when he's H, treat him with Plan A, and when he's WH, treat him with Plan B. Plan B is Plan B...totally dark.

However, I don't believe it will work in my particular situation, because WH is looking for every opportunity to "catch me" being old LilSis, so if I Plan B'd him, he'd say, "A-HA! Gotcha! Those changes are FAKE, FAKE, FAKE!"

H is making himself pretty scarce these days, so I just Plan A day in and day out. With boundaries so that I'm not doormatty.

But at least now I know what that phrase means! Thanks for clarifying.

LilSis

Orchid:

You know you and I have struggled with this. I read this and it became clearer that my problem is that I did not feel like I saw MY HUSBAND until well after WITHDRAWAL during RECOVERY. I guess it's the way you look at it. Even though WH would act MORE NORMAL at times, he remained loony, weird and unpredictable..ALIEN.



And again..every situation is different. I MOST DEFINITELY PLAN Aed the WH..because it was the WH who had to see my changes. My WH's primary needs were ADMIRATION and AFFECTION so almost any negativity or SARCASM on my part would have made MY PLAN A a failure. You see, the old me was very SARCASTIC and the B WORD with him a lot...As Sis states, the WH, as you would say, wanted me to be that way during PLAN A in order to justify his A....

I DEFINITELY PLAN Aed the WH!!!!

The WH was all I had...

I think your experience and your H must have been DIFFERENT than mine...

My situation sounds much like Mimi's. My WW has been consistent in her negative talk, but her actions have been only MOSTLY consistent. As time goes by though, it appears that she has dug in deeper behind the wall of negativity.

My Plan A has been attacked, bombarded and sometimes overrun by the cruelest of comments or lures to engage in conflict. It has been a tough road, I've avoided conflict but succumbed to pain at some of the things she said.

I would agree that Orchid's strategy is a good one should your situation change to match that one. For me, I have not exposed the A yet. (I use A for both adultery and/or Affair!). I have little doubt that is occurring, it is indeed like a textbook here on this forum for the signs, and like a war room for dealing with the many different "attacks" the enemy launches. Sometimes they are all too familiar, and this is a great resource for seeing how others deal with their situations.

Here's my opinion again on this.

I just don't think it's a good idea to think that this viewpoint is appropriate for all WSes...

THIS WAS DEFINITELY TRUE FOR ME, TOO!!!

Oh, how I remember Mel warning me not to engage with him...