you say you did it to save your marriage and end the affair. You say you love him.

He will be furious.

You do not apologise.

Smile sweetly and say you love him and want your marriage.

He will be furious - they all are. You can tell him that you will do what it takes to fight for your marriage. Then repeat like a broken record.

He will say that he was going to work on the marriage, now he won't, this is the last straw, how could you, it is none of your business, you went about this the wrong way, you are crazy, and my favorite, he will never trust you again.

They are all angry, but they get over it quickly.

really...you think he will get over it quickly?

i figure he will stew about it for months...don't know though...i really can't read him anymore...

Your marriage can survive his anger

It can not and will not survive his never ending secret adulterous relationship.

Reverse babble -
"I had no idea you'd be this upset",

"I can't believe you are truly embarassed about this, you said you were happy, you mean you didn't want to share your happiness with the world"

"I have no idea what you are talking about...I didn't tell anyone anything"

"I'm so sorry you feel that way"

"What's worse, telling people about your affair or you actually having an affair"



Remember, much of his immediate anger will be an attempt to manipulate you into discontinuing any and all further exposure. That's one nice thing about having all the exposure already done with no one left to tell. Then only one or two nights of anger. He will act as though THIS behavior is the final straw and only NOW is deciding that he can NEVER consider ever reconciling with you. He will try punish you and blame shift the whole thing onto you. It's all soooo predictible and you just need to listen and not internalize or believe any of it.


BTW, exposure doesn't end an affair overnight. Exposure is the beginning of the end, not the end itself. At first it is very common that they will ACT like you actually are pushing them together. It's their defense mechanisms kicking in. Don't worry...exposure works, eventually. No matter what...exposure works for YOU as you move forward with YOUR LIFE with or without WH.

YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Mr. Wondering

They all are the same. They get over it. Most betrayed spouses dread exposing. In my 3 and a half years of posting here, there was only one woman who regretted it, and that was because the OW beat her up. Even she recovered her marriage.

When Believer says "you won't regret it" she doesn't mean "you won't regret it only if you save your marriage". The first few days may be tough and you may have doubts about whether you did the right thing but within one or two weeks the only thing you will regret is that you waited so long to actually expose.

Once it's said and done exposure just seems makes so much sense and seems so obvious.

When we say YOU will feel better we mean it.

The courage is in the doing.

Expose

Mr. Wondering

Totally agree with MrW

soccormom,

from what it sounds like you have a very good chance of recovery. First the OM is not committed to your husband, it sounds like she on safari and is taking married men as trophies. So the more you rock the boat the easier its goign to be for her to leave.

In plan a you don't have to be a complete doormat, you need to take care of you and the children. So move if you must.

YOu need the read the thread on reverse babble because all waywards say the same things... Just remember say it calmly and with love.

So you need to reach down and become the lighthouse, you do things out of love of your H and your children. You make it clear that your WH is not welcomed but your husband is.

Its sounds like he is very much in the fog, he is blowing your savings to carry on the fantasy, the sooner he has reality smacked in the face the better.

Exposure at work, most likely he wont get fired. A lot of people think workplaces don't want affairs on their floor but in reality they don't do much about it. I think most times the affairees leave out of humiliation. So don't worry. As long as he hasn't done anything illegal they will just either scron him or put it under the rug... But it will have it attend affect, WS and OM will KNOW people at work know, they can play fantasyland and think no one knows.

From what you have said your WH is in a midlife crisis and search for his younger self, sorry he has family and he needs to come home.

Also, add his parents and your parents, close siblings, close friends to this list. I would expose to their supervisors in addition to the director of HR and the CEO.

i have a little more than a week to plan this...because I don't want to be in town when this goes down.
I know that when I tell WH's family they will want to contact OW or her parents...Is this a good idea?
My inlaws are busybodies..and love drama...and they are very upset with Wh....I know I shouldnt contact OW...but can others.

Also exactly what do I tell his boss...I have gotten a few work related calls for WH here...so I suppose I can call to give his new contact information...and let the affair info slip....but I would like to work from a script...as I will be nervous and stammering and probably incoherent...

That is a great idea, but you would want to also inform them yourself first. Then she can call them, which would be great if she is willing.


Contact her about what exactly?


I would send a registered letter to the Director of Human Resources, CEO and the supervisor telling them of the affair and how it has impacted your family. Ask them what they intend on doing about it.

It will be best to have all this hit on the same day. For example, plan to make your phone calls to your inlaws, your parents, the OW's parents the day the registered letter arrives at the hospital. This way there will be a TSUNAMI for them to deal with rather than a little rain.

I finished my letter. Now I need to sit on it for a week, because I really don't want ot be in town when the are recieved.

Does anyone have experience with what happens at work if there is no ban on intra-office dating...Is it just the disapproval of co-workers...Because then wouldn't I need to find a way to tell the entire staff...I don't think the supervisor or HR manager is going to spread gossip???

Also WH is a grad student...I have thought about tellin the Dean of Students...I am sure that the Univ. doesn't care, but the dean is someone WH respects...I am not sure what kind of advice he would give though...

I am also concerned that WH may try to hurt himself...he has been irrational lately...

We had a conversation yesterday, about our middle child, and he was off the wall.I remained calm...but at the end I was not sure if I want to bother with this...

WH is upset because I am moving to return to work...and to be near my family....He attribute this to "getting back at him" really this is not the case...There is no money and I have to go back to work...My job is 100 miles from where we moved so that he could pursue his career change....I have noone here...he moved 40 miles from us to be closer to his OW...It is difficult for me to explain this to him w/o becoming emotional....

I am thinking that I may be better off w/o him anyway...

this really stinks...I am sorry for venting and being incoherent.

I am reading about plan a and b...D-day was in July and I have been pretty pathetic ever since...I have been going back and forth between crying, and pleading with him to stay. (not attractive, i know...) and trying to move on...showing cool indiference...(i have heard it called 180)

When i do 180, I feel more in control of my own life...But it has not brought WH home to me...I realize that this is not its main intention...

So I am wondering about Plan A and B...should I start w/ Plan A...considering I am 6 months past d-day...sr should I mave right to plan B...

let me mention here that I am moving in a week...and will not see much of WH...since he is a grad student and works a full time job...

Hopefully, he will get to NY at least once a week to see the kids...but I will be working full time...so i am unlikely to run into him...

should I just go dark now???

Its up to how you feel - he sounds like a fence sitter and he wants you to sit on the fence with him.

If your legally divorced I would go dark for your own sanity, you can't control what he does, if he hurts himself its not because of what you do its his choice.

You need to do a good Plan A before doing a Plan B. Check out the Plan A link in my signature.