There is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband having No Contact with this neighbor, as many opposite-sex friendships are found to be dangerous to your marriage. You want to protect your marriage? Yep. So, contact must be broken.

I have had a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex, and it was during a time when my marriage was actually good. I had a great deal in common with her, and my wife was jealous. In time, things changed a bit. My friend began broadcasting (as I call it) her unhappiness in the marriage to me. (Or, talking about her marriage troubles with me if you will). I can tell you that when times weren't so good in my marriage temptation arose.

Opposite-sex friendships are things to be avoided if it exceeds your spouse's comfort level. It is disrespectful, and protecting your marriage is both parties job. I know that now - I didn't then.

Additionally, I'm a big believer that a policy of NEVER broadcasting your marital woes to people should always be in place. Think about it: You say it, it grows, you believe it, you open yourself up, you disrespect your marriage and plant a bomb that may go off when you are reconciled.

The abovementioned two points are important to protecting your marriage. My wisdom has been gained from my mistakes, not my successes. Please don't repeat mine. I wish you the very best in saving your marriage, it IS worth it.

Please, can someone suggest HOW I get him to stop talking to her, without making the demands that are "love busters?"

I dont' know other - than simply stating - listen if you want to work on this marriage - she cannot be a support system for you - it makes me uncomfortable and I cannot have it...Now do you have any idea the extent of their conversations ??? Have you looked into how much they really do talk??? Are there other neighbors that are at the busstop - Because once everything was out in the open all sorts of neighbors had well one time... stories that they decided to share with me....

Yeah, there are other neighbors there usually. I am sure that they talk when he is at work, sometimes, too.
Another neighbor friend of mine does this, as well (talks to him), but I have never felt threatened by her.

Oh, the worst part (that I am almost too embarrassed to even write):

For a while last winter, they would meet up in the hot tub in our yard a few times each week. I don't think anything physical ever happened--they would never know when me or his parents (who have an apt in our house) would ever come out. The tub was always too hot for me.

After my crying and pointing out how bad that looked, that stopped. He points to that as a consession that he has already made....

Start by meeting his emotional needs. Admiration and sex are usually up at the top for men. Or if you know his, work on those.

Then you are going to have to start calmly telling him that his friendship with the OW is hurting you. It already sounds like it has gone so far that he doesn't care. He is more worried about her feelings than yours.

But as you engage him, meet his needs, and spend time doing fun things with him, she will have less of a grip on your husband.

Are the two of you still having SF?

Well, I guess that has been my general plan. I have to show him that I am worth more, able to meet his needs better, than she can.

SF...? We are still intimate, if that is what that means...

Oh my god... can I just say - Naked Volleyball.. My neighborhood had a couple of block parties - I went home with the kids - so they could go to sleep and my husband played naked volleyball - just skivvies mind you with the neighbor - and a couple of other people.. then I found out there was also a naked ping pong tournament again just bras and underware but everyone thought it was all in innocent fun when I was home with the kids.... And of course I was being a party pooper - Not I was trusting.. a fool but trusting... and you know what - I am sorry but you know deep in your gut - and don't be embarrassed to write it - the only thing that you are at fault about is being to trusting.....

Ok and can I just say that I was having sex with my husband the entire time..... and actually probably more so cuz I think he felt bad and didn't want to make me suspicious...

Yeah, that is what I mean. I would notch that up a couple degrees. Then also start meeting his other needs. If there is anything he has complained about, change it.

I look back, and I am an idiot.

My therapist has pointed out that I have a history of not seeing things that I don't want to see...

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, and am just discovering how much that has affected my life. It seems that I have a history of having the rug pulled out from under me, not seeing the bad stuff around me. Got me through childhood without going crazy, but does me great dis-service as an adult out in the real world. And I am going to be 37 this month!

Therapist probably has seen this revelation coming, and has been waiting for me to be strong enough to see it for myself.

Crap. There never seems to be an end to this...surprise. And pain.

Oh I so understand anytime you need to chit chat -email me at mimi_welch@yahoo.com - honestly I have been there and done that .. and what got me through was a friend I met here on this site that just listened to me and emailed me day in and day out - so honestly if you want to I will listen.... And you are NOT AN IDIOT.. just very trusting that is me also... a bad and a good quality...

Thank you, Mimi. I may just do that.

Now, I have to turn my focus back on the rest of my life. I would rather just go away with him for a few weeks to do some intensive work, but I don't think he is up for that yet.

One of those moments--stop the world, I want to get off!

I'll be back...

D

It's good that you found this place so that you will be able to separate what is your responsibility (meeting his EN's and making changes in you), and what is not - the emotional affair.

It will take some time to unravel this, but once there is no contact, your marriage will be better than ever.

Oh, boy....

This was my life. Absolutely.

Believer sent me to check out your thread, and she was right to do so. It could have been ME writing this a year ago. Except that the OW in my sitch (aka RatTurd, aka RT) lives about 6 blocks away, not right across the street...which worked out well for them, actually. I couldn't actually SEE how often they were together.

It began in spring 2004. RT and her H (now XH as of 1/16) had been casual friends/acquaintences since our oldest children went to preschool together, and although they didn't attend the same elementary schools (hers go to the Christian schools), we would always sign them up for t-ball/baseball together. WH is a cop, who patrols our neighborhood, and thus spends a lot of time driving around, stopping by to visit with people he knows when it is slow. RT had a habit of sitting on her front porch, and apparently WH would stop by and visit with her frequently.

They were friends, and I know she confided in him about her marital dissatisfaction. By the time we were signing the kids up for ball that spring, it must have crossed some sort of line. The A began on March 12, 2004. Who knows how it progressed, exactly, but they decided that they were soulmates, yada yada.

At that time, I wasn't meeting his ENs...I know now. I was very caught up in being super-mom, working at a great job, my dad had died a couple of years earlier so I was focused on my mom. WH (in a round-about way) communicated that he was unhappy...but could never articulate WHAT I needed to do. I'm sure it was as frustrating for him as it was for me. But that was not excuse to go outside the marriage...it WAS an excuse to go to MC. Instead, WH decided to get his needs met elsewhere.

Anyway, almost IMMEDIATELY I was uncomfortable with their "friendship." There was just a "quality" of the way that they would interact. It was just flirty. I KNEW something was wrong. Call it intuition.

In June of 2004, I had reached the end of rope...HA..I had no idea how long that rope was or WHERE I would eventually find the end. I wrote WH a four-page letter citing examples of things I had observed and sensed...how it hurt me and I wanted that friendship to end. WH read the letter and told me I was imagining things.

I did some research on EAs and it sounded like a fit. I showed the info to WH and he sort of blew it off. I did some research on depression, because I thought that might be the issue. He was just withdrawing, becoming distant, remote. I encouraged him to go to counseling, maybe go on antidepressants.

Time after time we would argue about this relationship. I got to the point where I felt so ignored...I was so angry at him for not acknowledging or responding to my pleas for him to end the friendship. Like maw, another complicating factor is that our children were friends. Interestingly, the kids had PREVIOUSLY only played ball together...as SOON as the A began, her son began calling my son EVERY DAY (no kidding) to play. We lived just far enough apart that one of us would have to transport the kids. WH always offered to drive our son over, and would end up spending an hour or more over there, "watching the kids play."

I've told you more than I needed to already, and if you are interested in the rest of the saga, or soap opera...check out my thread.

My point is to tell you...I'VE BEEN THERE. Unfortunately, the ONLY thing that broke it was discovery. I found emails, explicit emails, that confirmed an A. I still do not know if WH purposefully did not log out of his secret yahoo email account that night...but anyway...there it was. Black and white. No question.

So I DO NOT know what to tell you. Believe me, I tried EVERYTHING I could think of, begging, pleading, rationalizing, talking, crying, being logical, suggesting counseling, you name it. HE WOULD NOT ADMIT TO THE A. About a month or two before discovery, I asked him point blank. "Look me in the eye and tell me there's nothing going on." And he did. He looked me right in the eye.

Now I feel like a chump for being lied to...but at least I tried. I felt threatened and I was honest with him about it. Too bad he didn't do the same, but we can't control the behavior of others and I refuse to beat myself up for trusting my husband to be truthful with me.

ABSOLUTELY EXPOSE TO HER H. I wish I had gone to RT's H with my concerns...but I felt "stupid." DUH. Turns out he was also uncomfortable, but he NEVER said anything to RT about his feelings (no wonder their marriage was in trouble).

Aside from that, I'll leave it to the pros. I hate to be a downer for you, but I could NEVER EVER EVER EVER have believed that my H would have a PA. Too good, too moral, always disparaging cheaters....no way. But guess what....

We separated about a week after d-day on 6/28/06. He has been living at his parents home since July. I have been in Plan A since early December. He has filed for D. RT's D was final on 1/16. Things look bad, but I am fighting, fighting, fighting.

YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE HERE. I WISH I HAD COME HERE BEFORE D-DAY, RIGHT AFTER D-DAY. I SCREWED UP BADLY AFTER D-DAY. On the flip side, I really, really needed to grow through this experience, and I have. I probably couldn't have done MB right away...I had to grow and learn about myself first. I had to reach the end of my rope...and you'll have to read my thread to find out where THAT was...

((((cnd))))

Please let me know what I can do. So many have helped me...and I am not one of the pros, but I can listen and understand. I'm really, really sorry you are here.

LilSis

Anytime I try to bring the subject up at all, H feels pressured and defensive. And I'm not even bringing up the "friend." Just trying to talk about the whole thing. He says that it always sounds like we are bringing up old things, we've talked about it, it is in the open. I ask if there is anything that I can do...

He says that he needs to figure out his head and his heart. Any effort or reaching out from me makes his stomach flip out in knots--you can hear it from across the room. Anyone look at Dr. Gottman, and the flooding response? This is exactly H. As long as the subject doesn't come up, we are ok.

When I took advantage of his giving nature (I got caught up in work and volunteering, spending more time away from home), he would come home after working all day to me reading a magazine while there was stuff to do in the house. I don't like housekeeping, and don't see a mess unless I am specifically looking for it.
He tried to bring it up a few times, but I didn't hear the depth of his message.

In Nov, he told me that he had been miserable in our marriage for at least 3 years, maybe longer. I was stunned.
And in the last year, he said he just gave up.

So that is what I am dealing with. Hearing the most-feared words be spoken by the man that I still love.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I lost you along the way. You are not in my heart. I don't really need you. I'm not sure if I even still like you.

I don't know what to do. Do I push, confront, step back, focus on myself, seize and create as many opportunities as possible to show him how much I love and appreciate him, try to get to a couple's workshop, see if he can come around on his own...?
The counselor that I have been seeing has tried to get me to focus on myself, why I acted these ways, rather than make a plan for what to do.

I am a mess. I have dropped all activities that were not work related, and would gladly quit working altogether if that would make this work. I can't think about anything else.

There has been no forward movement since the empty kiss, November 8th, 2006.

Of course he feels pressured and defensive. What he is doing is WRONG!!!!

Focus on yourself, and making a good life for you. If you absolutely hate housework, force yourself to spend 5 minutes a day in each room doing the bare minimum.

CnD:
I'm telling you...once again...EVERYTHING you say in your recent post my WH said to me. "I've given up." (This was in response to my sincere request for him to tell me what I could do to revive our marriage.) He's been unhappy for the past three years. We had so much potential as a couple, but we just didn't "grow" together. yada yada. The only difference is I spent too much time cleaning house, sort of anal about it, letting it get in the way of time together.

This may sound harsh:

You sound like you feel sorry for him. DON'T. I'll bet you ANYTHING he's having a full blown A with neighbor-"lady"....and what you are seeing is not him feeling lousy about his M to you, it's him feeling guilty about his A and resenting you for it.

You have made it perfectly clear to him that this relationship makes you uncomfortable. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH. End of story.

Start exposing. I WISH I HAD. Instead, I bought his line of bu11chit and felt guilty for thinking something so horrible about my poor depressed H. I thought I would feel stupid for telling anyone that I was uncomfortable with a "friendship" that WH had. I can tell you, I feel A LOT more stupid now. I should have gone to his parents. I should have gone to RT's H. I should have gone to WH's best friend...and told them all about this friendship that I was uncomfortable with, told them why I was uncomfortable (give examples), told them that I had asked WH to end this relationship, and told them that WH refused.

It's a more modified exposure than what MB describes in the case of a KNOWN full-blown A. This is just what I WISH I would have done, given what I knew at the time...which is exactly what you know now...NOTHING. Just a "feeling."

My WH was the same way...we're just friends, it's all out in the open, this is all ancient history, will you quit going on and on about my friendship with RT. She's your friend, too. We just share the same interests.

DO NOT BUY IT. He owns his behavior. He controls his behavior. You are his WIFE and he is HURTING you. Do not feel sorry for him or excuse him!

I know this sounds harsh, and you are probably saying "this LilSis is out there." I'm NOT. I've been such a pleaser my whole life. I wish I would have KNOWN HOW to stand up for myself and stand up for my marriage when WH was hurting me and it. MB shows you HOW. Use this, please. Listen to what I am saying.

I'm really sorry if what I say hurts. I don't intend for it to hurt. It wouldn't have to hurt if your H wasn't hurting you first. Don't let him get away with it.

So what to do?
1. Expose.

2. Identify what his top ENs are (have you read EVERYTHING on this site??)

3. Begin doing things that meet his needs (sounds like domestic support is one, so start cleaning, girl!)

4. Do not love-bust, but do not be a doormat. (This one can be tricky unless you understand a lot about boundaries, so start reading.)
4a. Another way to say it...respect yourself and your spouse as unique individuals who alone are responsible for your own choices and behaviors.
4b. Behave out of love, just love...but do not allow him to take advantage of that love.
4c. Understand that you can only control YOU. It is true, and it makes life easier once you accept that.

5. Get SAA from this website and read it.

6. I started reading the Bible. That's as much as I will say on that, because it is such a personal thing, but I found it to be very, very helpful, and I think helped me "grow."

Hey, you asked. So which of these are you prepared to do?