Its been such a long time since my last post, I cant even remember when I last posted. Things between FWH and I have been amazing, better then ever! My post however is not about us but about my MIL and my husbands father. At the time my MIL met my H's father he was married. They had an ongoing A that lasted well over 5 years from what I'm told. When my H was born his father was in his life until the time he was 6 when they moved from CA to PA. From the time he was 6 until the time he was 21 there was NO contact, no birthday wishes, no visits nothing. Alot Im told had to do with his wife at the time. At the age of 21 my husband enlisted in the US Army. When he got out of basic/AIT we went and saw his father the first time in about 15yrs he seen his dad. His father promised he'd be in his life and call him more often. Well that was 3 yrs ago and he has maybe called us 3-4 times in those years. I know my H"s father calls my MIL about 3-4 times a week to see how we are doing but we both don't understand why he doesn't call us.
This brings us to now. My husband is in CA right now preparing for his 2nd deployment to Iraq. He is scheduled to leave in March and his mother and my parents are coming down to see him off and to help me pack bc I am moving back home while he is gone. The other night I was talking to my MIL and she had mentioned that his father wanted to come and see him off also. I have no problem with that at all he has every right to see him off also. I brought up that my H has a 4 day weekend in Feb and it might be a better time bc things will be less confusing and they will be able to visit, well no im told that my MIL wants to come down at that time also. I am putting two and two together and I've come to the conclusion along with everybody else that has heard that they want to see one another. As far as I know my H's father is still married to the same women but I guess he moved out and got his own apartment and wants my MIL to go out to CA and see him. Am I wrong for not wanting them to meet in my house? I feel like not only will it bring bad memories of my H's A almost 2yrs ago but I dont want this going on under my roof. Its a messed up situation and as much as I'd like my H's father to meet his 2 grandchildren and see his son off to Iraq I don't want this to also be a time where he is going to start up another A knowing he is still married. Any advice?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

you have 100% the RIGHT to pick and choose who enters your home

PLUS ... you do not need to explain your reasons

meet somewhere neutral if that is your CHOICE

Prayers for your (((hubby)))

and tell him ~thank you~ for his service

Pep

One Day,

This is a tough one. I say that because you also have your H's wishes to think about. I say that you have every right to say who can and can't stay with you and at what time. If they are coming to visit you, they need to take your feelings into consideration as well. Have you talked to your H and what his feelings are? You could tactfully say something like, "We really only have room for one extra person, so, since MIL is already planning to come in March, how bout just the father coming in Feb?" I honestly don't know what else to say. Good luck though.

Tigger,

Thank you for your reply. No my H does not even know that his dad is planning on coming down. I was told not to say anything to him bc my MIL was afraid that if things don't work out and he can't come then my H will be mad and already hurt what "relationship" is there with my H and his dad. They don't have a very loving relationship. My H says he doesn't hate his father but he doesn't love him either. I really just don't know how to go about this because no matter which way I go on it somebody will end up getting made at me no matter what, but I respected their rules and wishes when i lived under their roofs so I expect the same in my house. Its just a very strange predicament to be in and I don't know where to go. Hopefully when my H calls me tonight I will let him know of whats in the works with his father and my MIL. Thanks again for everything!

One Day,
You are welcome. I know how stressful it is getting ready for your H to deply, then to add this drama into the mix....One more question for you to think about. If your H and his father don't have a strong relationship to begin with, would his father be staying at your home or in a hotel? Even if he's staying in a hotel, you could let MIL know that things are already hectic as it is, and having 1 extra person in the mix for your last long weekend is enough and that you will look forward to seeing her when you all get together for seeing your H off. Also, how do you think your H will feel, being surprised by his father coming to visit? Just a couple things to consider.

Tigger,

Its extremely stressful preparing myself for this deployment but I also have two little ones who I have to prepare for as well. This will be my sons 2nd deployment he will be 5 in a few weeks and he knows his dad is going to "fight" the bad guys, my daughter hasn't a clue what is going on and I am happy she is little and won't remember this. I can tell you I am not sure how my H will feel if his dad showed up, he will have alot of mixed emotions im sure but I think he would be happy to see him. I should also add in right now my H is in Fort Irwin, CA which is about a 1 1/2 drive from his dads house. When H called me the other night he said to tell his mom that he could see his dad on superbowl sunday so i told her but I don't think his dad is going to go because he also wants to see my H's mom. Which in my OP is bull. I also feel like im put in a hard place because my MIL has asked me not to mention any of this to my H and I'm sorry he is my H and I feel I have the right to tell him esp. if this is being planned in OUR house under OUR roof!! She doesn't want me telling him because she knows he will get upset with her and he doesn't need this extra drama and stress on him either. He needs to focus on Iraq and he needs to leave the states with a clear head. She said if i tell him it is betraying her trust in me, well my H needs to trust me also am i right? This isn't right. I am already stressed out enough knowing he is leaving in about 40 days and the time left I want to make it memorable for ALL of us. This is just so screwy!!!

Ok, this is NOT right in any way shape or form!!!! Your first and ONLY obligation in trust is to your H! To me, that statement is from a super fogged out affairee! She has NO right to put this on you, and I would tell her flat out that #1. you will NOT welcome BOTH the father AND MIL if they both show up in Feb. #2. you will NOT keep ANY secrets from your H, so if she wants to do things, she either comes clean with your H and tells him her plans herself, or she should keep her "OW" mouth shut when talking to you. You don't need to be her confidant, and she needs to make sure that your H's father is divorced BEFORE she does this(from what you said in the first post) AGAIN! This "father" is looking for the easy way out, he doesn't want the responsibility of being a father to your H, he just wants to "get with" your MIL again. I'm sorry, but this sickens me to read what your MIL is putting you through. If I were in your shoes, I would lay down the law, tell her you don't want to hear another word about this "father" from her, and that if she intends to "hang out" with said "father" she can do it on her own time, AWAY from you and your kids. If she comes up with that nasty, "You would be breaking a trust" crapola, tell her that what she's doing is wrong, even if it isn't "physical" she is encouraging the relationship with a married man.

So, now that I got that all off my chest, let me summarize for you'

1. Let MIL know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not be welcoming them both in your home, it's one or the other.

2. You will not keep secrets from your H, no matter who is wanting you to keep them.

3. Absolutely NO MORE talk between you and MIL about "father".

If it was me, I'd tell her, "Find someone else to keep your dirty little secrets from your son. My first priority is to my H, your son, and to our children, your grandchildren. What you do on your own time, in your own home is your problem, and I don't want to hear about it again." But, that's just me. I TOTALLY understand preparing your children for a deployment, as we had to do that in Nov, and our youngest was 5 1/2 at the time. It's not an easy time and you don't need this hanging over you. Wash your hands of it, in the best way for you. Not necessarily how I stated it, but you need to lay the law down that your priority does not lie with pleasing MIL.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Tigger,

Alright, I got an update for you! I spoke with my H this past Saturday. I told him everything and I could just tell in his voice he was EXTREMELY Pi$$ed off that they were even using his deployment as a time to see one another. He then told me to just let it go until he gets home, that he will deal with his mom when he gets back from CA. So H will be home this Saturday, I am so excited its only been a month but it feels like an eternity.
I also spoke with my MIL earlier today. I asked her if H's father was planning on coming down in Feb and she said no that he will be here in March when he deploys. I don't think my MIL and him will be down here at the same time which is good for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So right now at least my H knows what is in the works and it seems that everything is working out for the best as of now, things can change. I will def. let everyone know when my H gets home and how his mom takes what my H has to say to her.

Oneday,
I'm glad that you told your H what was going on. Now, you also need to be prepared for MIL to say that you were completely wrong in your assumption. If that does happen, well, take it with grace, be the bigger woman, and explain to her that from your own experience, when someone doesn't want you to tell your H about all these plans to have a rendeveau(I think that's how it's spelled) between two people who have that type of history, it means that those persons are up to no good. Let her know that if you were wrong, that you are sorry, but she also needs to know that since he IS your H, you won't keep things from him. You should also discuss this possibility with your H BEFORE he talks to his M, so that she doesn't try to play him against you.

I am excited for you that your H will be home this weekend! I know that we are on our final stretch for my H arriving back home, and it's now getting exciting. Enjoy your time with him. Don't let this episode ruin this time with him, and keep us updated.