Married almost 15 years--2 children. It's been 10 months since D-Day. OW finally changed positions at work so WS and she SHOULDN'T be seeing one another. I can't totally trust him yet.

My concern is in his sexual interest for me now. He used to want sex all the time before the A. I wasn't that enthusiastic but would "allow" it to try and make him happy. I was hardly ever the aggressor.

At night, I was tired and sleepy so I would fall asleep rubbing his back or whatever. He would be very frustrated and feel as though I was not attracted to him. I tried to assure him that it had nothing to do with him because his is a total hunk! Anyway, according to him, he became more and more withdrawn from me and this younger(of course) woman gave him attention and made him feel desired, so he had an affair with her (supposedly only about 3 or 4 times sexually), but says he became infactuated with her months before that.

Now, we have grown alot closer, but he doesn't pursue sex nearly as much as he did before. Now, I am the aggressor but I feel like the one forcing myself on him. It's like we have changed roles. My problem is that I still need reassuance that he loves me and desires me , and... that the affair is really over. With him not being aggressive sexually, I don't feel that way. He is very affectionate otherwise and has even said that he is falling in love with me again. I should feel good about the way things are, but I don't.

I keep asking him if it has to do with OW, but he assures me that it doesn't. He even says that he doesn't even think about any other women sexually anymore. He thinks maybe that he is getting punished by God for the A, but he says he likes being this way because we (Women) aren't controlling his thoughts anymore. So---I feel like I am the one being punished.He is content!

I need advice. How can I make him interested sexually in me again? I have really been working on my body at the gym and he says my body is the best ever.

How long has he been in NC?

I'm not very familiar with the codes, but if NC means no contact,----Not absolutely sure , but I think only about 2 months -prior to that their was contact briefly every 2 weeks(part time job)

OK so you are really only 2 months into recovery. I would expect am improvement soon.

I think you need to find out why you weren't that interested in sex before the A. I can tell you that, as a husband, if the wife is not interested in sex but only does it because she thinks I want it, that will eventually become aversion therapy for me. I would lose interest in sex in that situation. So why your disinterest in sex? You say you are tired? Can you two change activities, schedules, etc.? You not being interested in sex makes any H feel undesired. Have you seen a doctor to see if there are any physical or hormonal issues? Are you two in any kind of counseling? Passion has nothing to do with how good or bad your body is. Passion is in the mind.

In,

Two months of NC would be withdrawal time...withdrawal from the A...not YOU.

I'm concerned about two points...one, about not being absolutely sure about NC...and yes, that's No Contact (keep it in capital letters for yourself!)...

Is he being transparent? This is vital to recovery...where you have access to cells, emails, where he is and what he's doing? If he believes that women control his thoughts...then there's a good chance he's not being transparent...

The second concern is your focus...you are focusing in on specific areas...in a specific way. When you make your life a dot...your life becomes the dot. Can you scale back your focus to include all of your life...you in the center and others around you? Where his actions do not define you...they remain his? His feelings, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions are his, and respect those as separate from yours?

Are you guys in MC? IC? Are you doing communication exercises every week? Getting that 15 hours of UA (undivided attention) through RC (recreational companionship) or quiet together time?

Do you believe that your lack of sex drove him to his A?

LA

I think I wasn't interested in sex before because I felt like I was "all used up" by bed time. I help my children with their homework and their problems. I teach young children all day so by bed time I felt mentally exhausted. I realize now that I put my husband last and I can only imagine how he felt. He talked to me about it many times and I would try to do better but my mind just wasn't in it.

Just before he revealed the A, i began exercising and eating more healthy because I gained a few pounds-not overweight-but I didn't like how I looked. Anyway, I don't know if the A sparked my sexual desire or the exercise. Maybe it is both.

He says that it seems "fake" but I honestly don't feel that way. We spend alot of alone time together now and I have pretty much moved him up to #1 in my priorities. He seems happy with the way things are, but I feel undesirable now. We are not in any type of counseling---small town, but I feel like our marriage is better that ever--I'm just insecure about his desire for me.