I'll try to be as concise as I can. I been married for 12 yrs (together for 17yrs ish) with 2 children.

At the start of this year I discovered my wife was having an affair - albeit a very embrionic affair that had started 5 days before after a lengthy internet friendship with another man (no sex, but she agrees that would have happened by now if I hadn't found out). She says she loves me but isn't in love with me & hasn't been for a long while, whereas she feels in love with this other man & wants the opportunity to explore their relationship (she's with him now in fact).

She's undecided about whether she truly wants to be with him but told me last night that whatever happens in the affair she wants to be single. Herein lies the rub: she want to still share the house with me as we 'get along' (I'm her best friend she claims), we can still be parents together for the children, it makes financial sense, etc.

My interpretation of this is that she wants everything that I provided to the marriage/family before to persist - but she wants to be single (& behave single) within this framework; no matter how I look at this I just can't escape the feeling that she's taking the piss.

I love her & really want the marriage to work but if the way that I'm feeling right now is indicative of how I'll feel every time she goes out then I can't do this; I'm climbing the walls.

At this moment I want to leave. Is this wise ?? What else can I do??

Thanks

Em

AM,

Welcome to MB...I'm so sorry for your circumstances and happy you found this site.

First, please know that your WW is in a fog...and fog is real. It is entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Please do not take her words as truth...they are her truth right now...not The Truth, 'k?

Second, please do not leave. You and your children stay in the house for now...this is really difficult, I know...however, from my experience, it is part of Plan A...where we bring reality.

If you left, would she move in another? Please know reality from fantasy...she's eye-deep in it...please don't be.

Next, know what your feelings are and where they are coming from...and if you believe acting from your feelings is a viable way to live...your WW is showing you what life is like when you act from your feelings...please do not do that. Know your feelings...act from your beliefs, instead.

Read all the articles on this website...the basic concepts, about love busters (LBs) and emotional needs (ENs)...read coping with infidelity and get Harley's book Surviving an Affair (SAA).

Get your hands on tools you can use...to know your power and your limits...for your benefit...and know you are not alone. We've been in your shoes, felt your pain, felt like bolting and did not. We gave ourselves permission to fight for our marriage, grow greatly in our knowledge and wisdom, so that no matter what happened, we would take with us the certainty we did all we could.

My marriage recovered...and is thriving. Many others here are as well...and we stay on MB to give back, to share and to continue to grow. You can do this. I have no doubt.

In your corner,

LA

AM, going along with her little singles scheme is to enable her adultery, at you and your childrens expense. I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not be a party to that and will not be in a marriage that contains 3 people. I would strongly suggest that you do not move and let her know that your marriage will not withstand her affair. Don't agree to accommodate her in any fashion.

In addition to the books LA suggested, please go read this thread about what your first steps should be. Your marriage is under assault and you have alot of work to do: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

translation: she wants a house boy. And she wants you to shut up and take it without complaint while she destroys you, ie: be her "friend." This is the CLASSIC fog talk of a wayward in an addictive affair.

Do you know who the OM is? Do you have a keylogger on her computer?

1. gather documented evidence & lock it away somewhere (like your parent's house or the bank) ... you may need this to get custody if things go that far

2. read MB info, buy the books, and possibly call Harley's counseling number

2. secure your finances ... immediately
cancel joint credit cards ... take half of any savings and put in a separate account

3. EXPOSE this affair to your family, wife's friends & family and especially to OM's spouse, if that info is available

4. do NOT panic

5. do NOT beg/whine/cry/become abusive ... in other words RETAIN your dignity and self-respect ... this reflects badly on HER and not on you

6. start a journal
keep dates of when you were solely responsible for the kids because WW was off having sex with OM
keep dates of when you took kids to appointments, school, etc

7. go the the kids' schools and talk with the authorities/teachers explaining "there is a family crisis. Their mother has left, I am not certain if/when she will return. Please let me know if my children are having unusual behaviors struggles at school" ... put in writing as well!

8. do NOT look at other women or feel you need to keep company with any woman ... concentrate on yourself and your kids


9. ASK for help from those who can provide it ... spiritual help as well as babysitting help

10. pray

Pep

PS ... what are your childrens ages?

Thank you all for your support: LA, the knowledge that you have been through all this & come out with a recovered marriage is a big help.

The biggest factor here (which maybe I didn't really stress in the original message) is that she considers us to be already separated; I, on the other hand, do not. The biggest fear I have is that if I try to "... Don't agree to accommodate her in any fashion.", or lay down any laws at all, then it will be the end for our marriage.

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the amount of information here - if anyone can point me to good threads or useful keywords to search for I'd be very grateful.

Thanks again for your support.

Em

ps. The children are 13 & 5.

AM, she doesn't consider any such thing. She knows she still lives with you and she knows she is still married.
She knows where she lives. Even if you are really seperated, she is not free to see other men, that is ADULTERY. So, when she says she "considers herself seperated" she really means she is trying to justify adultery.


I don't think you understand what is happening here. It will mean the end of your marriage if you don't stop accommodating her. She is trying to end your marriage and she will be successful unless you STOP accommodating her. Stop enabling her. If you keep doing nothing to help yourself, the most likely outcome is divorce.

We are trying to help you avoid that, but you have to do some work here and can't afford to be fearful.

Here is a good link that will help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

ML: the light bulb above my head just lit up. I now know that I've been paralysed by fear & that inaction is the worst thing I could do (sic.).

I'm starting Pepperband's advice _NOW_.

Thanks again.

Em

Go read Lilsis thread it is a great roadmap

GOOD MAN! We are with you all the way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Some more for your reading pleasure, another man who was in your boat and saved his marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

this is much shorter reading

PLAN A for BEGINNERS THREAD

Many pots of coffee later I've absorbed "Plan A for Beginners", & I feel a whole lot better; thank you Pep for this - it's priceless.

I'm new to this Plan A thing but I'm encouraged by the fact that I've already unwittingly begun to implement it: in the 5 weeks since discovery I've lost 16lbs, taken up yoga & join a gym (not only joined but I actually go), resurrected old friendships & hobbies. Most important though: I've realised that only me can make me happy & changed my outlook on life completely. People have noticed & expressed genuine surprise at the new me; wife even commented that I'm now much more attractive (due mainly to the sunnier disposition & new-found confidence) - positive signs, but still only signs.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to state (calmly) that I do not condone what she's doing, that I won't support her in it & ask her to stop for the everyones' sakes.

Any hints on the best way to go public (I can't afford a sky-writer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> besides it's too foggy to see it). Advice or links are gratefully received, also apologies if this advice is in the other links in this thread - I haven't got round to reading them yet.

Thanks again.

Em

what does "Em" mean?

Em - it's my name (shortened).

Update: I've just told her that I don't condone what she's doing, won't support her & that the affair should stop for everyones sake. She asked "where would the marriage go if she stopped it" & I responded "to counselling so we could resolve how we weren't satisfying each others needs & move towards fixing that". Her counter was that she didn't want me to satisfy those thing that OM does but that she'd take a 6 month hiatus from the affair & go to counselling for me, the kids & because it's the 'right thing to do' ... but not for her.

I am bewildered (I'm beginning to think she's way too canny for me); I'm off down the park now for an hour to mull it over. Where do I try to take things from here ?

Thanks.

Em

She is willing to carry on her affair in secret for six months to placate you and still allow her a place to stay.

You need to expose the affair, make her write an NC letter (or letters), clearly define your boundaries and make her be completely accountable for her whereabouts at all times. You need to be unwaivering in your resolution. Basically you need to lay down the law that it is your way or the highway.

If you can get her to truly give up all contact with OM for six months, accept it. Also explain to her what you are prepared to do if she breaks contact (I would divorce my WW in that case, for example, and she knows it). I get the impression that she has zero respect for you. You need to start winning that respect back. If she does quit the affair for 6 months and you do a great Plan A, her opinion will be much different than it is now.

Don't worry so much about what she says. It is all designed to provoke you. Worry about what she does. Personally I doubt she will remain true to her word and drop OM for six months. It is not common for that to happen.

Based on what WW says, your M is pretty much over. You have nothing to lose here and everything to gain. Your WW needs a cold slap of reality or else she needs to be on Jerry Springer.

She's upstairs now, crying. I've got a feeling she's going to tell me that she can't give him up. I need advice (or links) on how best to expose & snoop.

Em

p.s. I'm still looking through the threads already posted so if the info is there don't flame me - my time for doing this is limited.

AM, find out if your state allows civil suits for alienation of affection. The OM may not think your WW is all that desirable once you slap a lawsuit on his a$$.

Then show her where the door is. She is trying to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. Don't forget to ask yourself what you really want. Do you want a wife that you have to share? Are you willing to remain married to a slut? What are you willing to tolerate?