AbsentMonkey - Hiroo is pretty much "right on" with his comments.

First, there is no taking a "6 month hiatus" from the affair. Affairs need to END, not be put on hold.

"Her counter was that she didn't want me to satisfy those thing that OM does "

Of course not, or she wouldn't be having an affair.

This is typical "fogtalk," so ignore it.

The question you need to answer is whether or not you are willing to "shoulder" all of the recovery efforts for "as long as it takes."

NO Wayward Spouse is willing to "reconnect" with you and the marriage in the beginning, so if you do want a chance to recover your marriage(she has already chosen to leave it), then you will have to "accept" her terms regarding counseling. But you MUST be sure to get a counselor who is trained in marital counseling and who is committed to saving marriages.

Stay in "Plan A" (which is designed to improve you in general and to end the affair as she sees "reasons" that you are "attractive" to her, or to any woman if you decided to "let her go."

God bless.

P.S. "She's upstairs now, crying. I've got a feeling she's going to tell me that she can't give him up."

This is just one phase of the early stages of Withdrawal.
Ignore whatever she tells you while she is in Withdrawal.
You just have to endure this time and stick to the plan.

AM, Hiroo and FH are right, you must expose this affair. Who is the OM? What all do you know about him? One of the steps I would take if i were you, is to contact him and let him know you are married and have little children at home. Ask him what his intentions are with your wife and tell him you intend on fighting for your marriage. You might discover that this man has been lied to about your W's marital status. It would not surprise me. My H's OW dumped him THAT DAY when I contacted her because she had been told we were "seperated, getting divorced."

In the meantime, set up your snooping apparatus with keyloggers, phone taps, etc and start making up a target exposure list. That list should include both your parents, close siblings, friends, pastor, OMS' parents and any others you can think of.

And lastly, before you launch all this, your 13 yr old son needs to be told the truth BY YOU. Not your wife. He is old enough to know something is up and has a right to the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. And if you don't tell him the truth, I GUARANTEE YOU that your W will lie to him and even use to normalize her affair. [such as meeting the OM, etc] Life will be much easier if that child knows the truth and gets some moral guidance from his only remaining sane parent so he can protect himself from his insane mother.

Update2: after a nice afternoon taking the kids out & a bit of shopping she's upstairs wailing now. She says that she will not see OM, but that this will not be forever & she may change her mind at any time.

She feels she's under an ultimatum to either stay in a marriage that she will never be happy in or separate (she has particularly bad memories about her mother leaving & does not want to do the same to our kids as was done to her). She has stated (more than once) that the M is over & we are in fact (as far as she's concerned) separated, the unresolved issues are living arrangement & kids.

The 13yo child has special needs & I can't really see any benefit from exposure here.

Should I offer her a trial separation or move to plan B - after all I have been in plan A for nearly 1 day now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I am ready & prepared to endure ****** & more for this woman; all I need at this moment is a little steering.

Thank you all

Do not offer her a separation. It would allow her to resume her affair with the OM unimpeded. A separation also makes it more difficult for you to plan A her. Keep her at home where it is easier to watch what is going on. If two people are going to work on a marriage, then they need to be living together.

AM, just stick to the plan we gave you above. Expose the affair, don't lovebust and do your best to meet her needs. Her words should not divert you from that course. When she speaks, just liken her to a falling down drunk and you will better understand her frame of mind while she is under the influence of an addictive affair. She is in a FOG.

Do not offer a "trial seperation." That is nothing but a trial for divorce, not marriage. You are not ready for Plan B, you haven't even started Plan A. Just REFUSE TO TALK about seperation or divorce. If she brings it up, tell her you are not interested in D, you are only interested in working on your marriage.

Of course she is not under an "ultimatum" to stay in the marriage. You are not holding her there at gunpoint, are you? She is free to leave or stay.

And remind her that you ARE NOT SEPERATED. She lives there, so obviously she is not seperated. She can "consider" that she is in CUBA, but in reality she is not. Same with "being seperated." A person is not "seperated" unless they are ...... seperated.

Nor does being "seperated" entitle one to adultery. She is still married. Adultery is adultery until she is not married.

p.s. it will not be enough to just "not see" him. She must end ALL contact with him, emails, phone calls, etc. She should never ever have affair contact in yours and the children's home. That is grossly disrespectful to you and the children. So, ask her to end ALL CONTACT.

ML: Thank you for keeping bouyant during this hard time, your words are a great help (the drunk analogy especially so).

Since my last post she's been weeping inconsolably. I've offered her some comfort inbetween dealing with the kids; from what I can tell (although I'm not really blessed with perception) is that the realisation of what's happened has hit her like a bag of cement. When I've been with her she just sobs "how can I choose I love you both" & "what have I done"; I just held her & said whatever has happened can be overcome. It's hard to see her like this but I understand that this is the vehicle for her healing.

Thanks to you all my resolve is strengthening - I'm digging in & preparing for the long game.

The only doubt I have is when to expose: she's evidently emotionally & physically exhausted & I feel that exposing now will be kicking her when she's down - she will be left without any safe harbour in which to recover herself. Or is that the point.

Thanks again.

Em

Em, let things calm down a little and see if she will quit all contact on her own. If she does, then you don't need to expose. If she DOES NOT, then you need to expose the affair PRONTO. Just get all your ducks in a row, make up a list of targets along with talking points.

I would also get a keylogger on her computer so you can verify what she does. Does she talk to the OM on the phone? If so, then tap your phone.


This is just perfect! Continue being sympathetic, but equally important is to BE FIRM in your resolve. Don't back down from your position that your marriage cannot surive 3 people and don't agree to ANY CONTACT AT ALL. Only complete and total contact will suffice. Stand firm, AM, you are doing great!!

AM,

Something occurred to me as I was trying to go to sleep last night. You said WW was upstairs crying uncontrollably and you were afraid she was going to leave you. WW's who have made up their mind to leave do not go upstairs and cry - they go upstairs and pack. My WW used to go upstairs and cry uncontrollably too.



I suggest you don't be too sympathetic. I suggest you just try not to be mean. What I mean is don't go say "gee honey, I know this is really hard on you and I will do anything to make you feel better - please tell me how I can help you". Don't be a wimp IOW. Say "I know this is really hard for all of us but I hope and believe that we will get through it." Or something like that. I also used to have to tell my WW to get up off her butt, stop crying and go downstairs and fix dinner for the girls. Amazing. She always did - just like a whipped puppy dog with her tail between her legs. You're a man AM - time to act like it.

Update3:

I didn't see her much last night after my last update - she went to bed soon after. I saw her this morning & shared a coffee with her, exchanged small-talk (natural though, not strained) & a little not-so-small-talk (details on request)

I got in from work at 7:30pm ish to find she's rearranged some furniture (?!). As I sat & ate my dinner she told me that I needed an update as the situation had changed <gulp>.

She said:
1) that she's finished it with OM, it is over; not because I asked her to but because it was the right thing to do for her as she couldn't act rationally with him still on the scene - I don't really care what her reasons are as long as it's the truth.

2) that we need to go to marriage guidance, soon, but stressed that it was not to heal the marriage but to find out how we came to be where we are now.

3) she will not be leaving the home (she'd get stuffed in a divorce over abandonment of the children) until she has somewhere to go to & a legal doc securing shared custody rights (protects me as much as her if it gets to that so I'm happy)

4) that she still considers us as separated but will not behave as a single person.

If true then I take these as good signs; I know that the marriage is not out of the woods yet (I don't even think it's out of the ground yet) & there's a lot of hard work ahead if we are to recover.

The onus is on me now not to make an [censored] of it all.

Thanks again for your help & kind words (Hiroo: it's a good point well made - you are right).

Em

take the "onus" and call the Harley's for an appointment

that will help you (and your dear wife) most of all

Pep

AM,

This all sounds good. She has given you her conditions. Have you given her your conditions? In other words, does she clearly know where the boundaries are? I don't know what your boundaries are BTW. It isn't important that I know them - it's only important that she knows them.

Pepperband is right. Stike will the iron is hot. Set up an appointment with Dr. Harley ASAP. Also, please remember that MC is useless if there is no NC - see? Your WW may need IC too. Mine did and it helped (I think).

Update4:

Been busy as I work shifts so unable to post. Things are rolling along OK; concentrating on my LB behaviour & general self improvement. Wife appears OK - she occasionally shows me the odd bit of affection (Q: what sort of behaviour should I be expecting after her declaration of NC & what are the signs of continued contact).

We start MC next week & we're off on a (long arranged) family holiday/vacation the week after - should be interesting. Any help on how to manage this would be welcome. Also, what should I do for Valentine's Day - I've never been big on grandiose acts so I don't want it to appear false.

Thanks again for all your help.

@Hiroo: I've stated by boundaries as simply NC & honesty. Have I missed anything ??

Em