OK,
I understand where you are coming from. Like me, you are a BS, who still has some bitterness and resentment to deal with, right?
All I'm asking is don't project that on a WS who is trying the best he knows how, to R his M.
Don't start Q's about morality, to a WS who is trying to come to grips with the damage they have caused.
Most are fully aware of it. Healing does not take place with accusations and inuendos. That is simply an extension of anger and resentment. That's not going to heal LG's M.
Give him a break on this, could you?????
One day at a time. /that helps.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, I will sincerely consider your words.
I am no longer a betrayed spouse... I am just someone that has NO tolerance... here or elsewhere in life... for any WS or FWS deciding what a BS should know.
I do appreciate your words though and thank you for your sincere input.

MEDC

MEDC as a FWW my opinion is that the spouse or partner of the OP should be told, however its less important to me who informs that person. Its just important that they are informed so they can hopefully recover their M or be able to make decisions for their well being.

Though I did write to the wife of the OP and apologize and received a very generous letter back, I'm not sure I could be as generous, she was aware already and living separate lives back then. She moved the family away and they decided to really try to finally give their M a go last I heard from her.

Did I do any good with my letter? don't know but hope so. I know it was right for me to apologize. I also feel my loving H was happier I had done it.

It is also not important to me if the BS or the FWS tells the OBS... I only believe they need to ALWAYS be told. I would HOPE that a FWS would want to apologize... but this is really a matter of making sure the OBS is given information that he/she is due.

MEDC

Hi MEDC,
Thank you for at least hearing my words. I understand your pos here and I respect it, I really do.
If I had been informed of my FWW's A in the very beginning, I would have exposed immediately to WNH.
I never really had an opurtunity to do that.
I have read many of your posts and responses. You have a good heart. I see it. I'm sure others do as well.
If it makes any differnce, MEDC, please help. Don't inject morale critisims, it will not be very helpful.
You are certainainly entitled to your opinions. But consider, how much real HELP will that be?

ALL BLESINGS,
Jerry

Based on my time here... I would say very helpful to some and not so to others. I have found that of many posters here and while I happen to be very outspoken and others can be more or less so, I know from feedback received that some have greatly appreciated my approach and standing up for what I sincerely believe (even if it is not popular as has often been the case). I have had more than a couple of posters come back to me (even from threads I was asked to leave inititially) and thank me for being so direct. I have always said that the forum is like a choir and we all have our role. I feel I know mine and am comfortable with my approach. I do take words such as yours to heart and incorporte them in my MB experience.
Again, i thank you for the respectful and kind way you have expressed yourself.

MEDC

Well Let me make a few comments here about this topic.

Dr Harley has said that the other BS should always be told and it should be done by the BS I think - however it doesn't mater if it's the BS or WS. He says as I understand it and I heard him say it - on his radio program that it should be a matter of POJA between the BS and the WS. I actually made notes from the radio - I will dig them out and post them but I will say I was shocked her would take that view.

I don't believe that exposure to the OP's Spouse has anything to do with marriage building when the affair is in the distant past. Obviously, with a recent end to an affair exposure is Marriage Building because it helps ensure NC but when NC has been LONG established it is not MB. As Bill Harley says the OP's spouse SHOULD be told but it is a POJA matter as distasteful as I find it.

However, IMO (*MY* Opinion) it is simply a matter of morality and the right thing to do. That other person has probably got a chit marriage without even knowing why. Their life may be in great danger from the risk of STD's whether from that affair or a subsequent one their partner exposes them to. So on this point it is my opinion that Dr Harley is wrong.

I would LOVE to have been told of my wife's betrayal well before I stumbled on it. The people who knew and didn't tell me have been removed from my list of friends and acquaintences. That'
s MY personal boundary. LOL.

I also recently found out a friends wife was having an affair however he had also started seeing an other woman by then and didn't want to rock the boat so I actually tracked down the OM's wife and informed her. She was very grateful.

oh... and someone mentioned Suzet? Repeated breaches of NC mean that she should have told OM'sW at least 3 times already now just to end the affair for good.

Quite apart from the morality of th eissue.

Yes, i mentioned Suzet... and even tough there would be reason to notify based on continued contact... it does not remove the moral issue IMO.

I also would question the Harley recommendation... ML has said on another thread int he past that she heard Harley address this topic also and that he clearly said that the BS should always be told. She was emphatic about that.

I remember saying on that same thread exactly what you have said... if Harley say that it is okay for a BS to not be told due to POJA.. then he is wrong.

BK.. I hope you are well down under.

MEDC

Very well MEDC - I hope you are well too.

MEDC:


This line here says it all:

I remember (BigKahuna or ?) saying on that same thread exactly what you have said... if Harley say that it is okay for a BS to not be told due to POJA.. then he is wrong.

You post on DR HARLEY'S Website how HE is wrong. That just makes me sick. And I lack integrity?

Which is your attitude from beginning to end. You are right. And if someone doesn't agree, then they are wrong, because you ain't changing your position are you? And you post disagreement with the owner on a site paid for by that person.

We can agree to disagree about my stance or manlyhood about telling OW H about my affair. At this point in time, and in my recovery it's between BS and me to make it. And I will discuss it with her.

Sorry your M didn't work out. Most have been all her fault. Sounds like you have a pretty good 14 year old son, however. And good luck with your new daughter.

Because of what I learned from this website and attending the MB weekend, reading the books and listening to the CD's, I think I have a pretty good shot turning out a pretty good son as well.

LG - I know you addressed your comment to MEDC but I am puzzled by this.

I stated what I heard Dr Harley say on the radio as it is by no means clear from his writings on this site.

Dr Harley says the OP's Spouse should always be told but that when the affair is long over it is a matter of POJA between the BS and FWS.

Now I do believe Dr Harley is wrong on that point because to me it is a matter of simple morality. The OP's Spouse deserves the truth. You have had an opportunity to be in a good marriage NOW because you have that truth and on a level of morality, I think it is WRONG for the other BS to be denied that same truth and opportunity as you have now.

But it is clear that this is an issue of MORALITY not an issue of MB when the affair is long dead. If the affair is ongoing then obviously exposure is a MB issue.

This website seems to welcome differing views. Why are you so "sick" about it.

What about the fact that OPS is no longer the Other Person's Spouse? They divorced. Now, according to your rules, that person (who has gone on with their lives) should have this thrust into their face?

Why?

HTpurpose would it serve?

And why further disturb the BS over this? Why stir up the hornet's nest, why create new triggers?

What is the point in informing a XOPS about a LONG AGO affair in a marriage that no longer exists?

A FWS first loyalty is owed to their spouse. If the spouse does not want them to break open this scab, it is their wishes that should be respected.

And LG -- you are invaluable to this site. Please stay.
There are so very few men who have had affairs posting here that can so greatly help the BW's.

medc -- whats your point? Why offend someone who is here trying to help? Is there no tolerance? No respect for what FWS add to this conversation?

Lexxxy...Here's why Mr. W and I believe that a BS, divorced or not, needs to be told the truth about their life... LINK TO OTHER THREAD...

By no means are we "bashing" LG with this, but I think he and Mrs. LG need to think it fully through...

Mrs. W

LG... I started the thread on my own without calling you out... as I had already done on another thread. You want to make this about me and you... frankly many here hold the same position. Seems like you feel that I have no right to express my opinion. You ran your mouth about me earlier in the thread when I hadn't even mentioned you...called me a coward and some other things... which I offered to address with you one on one... and all I am doing is offering an opinion that to me a BS ALWAYS... not when Dr. Harley or anyone else say so...be told.
And you are right... I have the strength of my convictions and am not easy to move on things I feel strongly about... and you certainly have not given any reason why a BS doesn't deserve the truth. You know why... there is no reason except for personal safety (and maybe not if the BS was terminally ill) to keep this from him.
By the way... my son is 11 and YES... it was all her fault. First relationship I can clearly say that with and I had been married very young and had a WS at that time.... and I never have blamed her for everything. And BTW... and affair is ALWAYS the fault of the WS. Always.

So, let me ask you LG... are you afraid of what the OWH would do to you if he found out for sure what you had done? Do you teach your son to say they are sorry when they hurt someone else? Do you feel you are leading by example in that respect?

I have always told you... even when this whole thing started... that you have a lot to offer here. I have a huge problem with your stance on this and will continue to feel that way unless there is something that I am missing that makes yours one of those rare exceptions when the Golden Rule(do unto others....) should not be followed.

Contrary to what you might think... I don't dislike you and would rather see you on this board than not. But I just want you to look at this from the other side.... from the perspective of BS's that have been kept in the dark because of people that choose for THEM what they have a right to know. And while you talk here about my stubborn nature and inflexibility... I see you being the only one that is deciding things for another person. I am merely offering an opinion. I commend you for coming here and trying to turn your life around. I applaud your success to date. I now ask you to consider your other victim in this. I think I remember you saying that the OWW informed your wife of what happened. Do you really think your wife would prefer to have been kept in the dark? If not... why is it okay for the OWH?

Lexxy... did you see me bring LG to this thread? Did I mention him... or did he come here on his own. I even told the first poster here I was not addressing anyone in particular...yet he came and the discussion went from there.

Are you sure they are divorced? My understanding was they were divorcing... but I still see a reason to right this wrong. JMO.
And you asked about tolerance... I will answer your question very clearly... NO. I have NO tolerance for a FWS or a WS deciding what is okay for a BS to be told. I hope that clears up any question about my position.

What does a divorce have to do with not telling OP's Spouse Lexxxy? Do they somehow have less right to information about their own life and why their marriage failed?

Is this a "personal" issue for you?

I am trying to be even handed and fair here.

This was my second post on this thread. My next one said I did not want to mention anyone by name ... I wanted to keep this a general discussion... read the beginning of the thread and see if I brought LG here or if he came in swinging.

Maybe it is a personal issue for me.

Because I identify myself more as a FWS.
But a FWS who was first a BS that was lied to for 18 years.
And never received an apology from the OW. Never received much of an apology from my husband either.

But regardless of any of that -- I think ANYONE who has achieve the "F" in the WS category is someone who should be commended, not bashed.

And I think that people that have walked those steps have so much to add to this conversation. And they should not be chased away....

I totally agree Lexxxy. Never said otherwise. FWS's are golden on these boards. I'm actually married to one.