my fwh still works with the ow. he cannot quit his job right now as it is tax season. the ow has not told her h yet, but has mentioned that she plans to.
everyone keeps saying i have to tell the owh. i think he definitely needs to know. but i'm nervous about telling him. do i do it in person? over e-mail? i've never met him before but i know where he works and his e-mail address.

my fwh does not think i should tell owh. he thinks i should let ow tell her h. i feel if i tell owh i need to let my fwh know i am going to do it, so i won't be keeping anything from him. i'm just scared that my fwh won't understand why i need to tell the owh and it will be a big step back in our recovery.

anyone been in this position? any advice? i will let my fwh read this, so if you want to address him, that is fine.

thanks.

Why do you keep asking this question? You already said this:
"everyone keeps saying i have to tell the owh"

Are waiting to see someone post that you don't need to expose? Won't happen on this site.

These people (me included) have been thru this whole big mess ourselves and have read 1000s of posts. They ALL say expose.

OW and OWH have their own M problems. If OWH doesn't know that his wife thinks they have these problems then he will never work on bettering his part of the M. Then the OW may be back barking at your H door agian. Get it?

I would never trust OW to tell her H either. She is a lier and a cheat.

In my sitch I called OMW and had lunch with her. We agreed to call each other if we found anymore contact. Just one more reason to tell OWH.

One last reason: it is just the right thing to do for another living person. Decent thing to do.

Do it today and don't tell you H that you going to do it - just do it.

IMO, yes you should tell him, this way you can be certain he knows. My husband told my FOM's W about our A even though FOW told my H that he already told her. My H didn't believe him or figured she had a watered down version of the truth. My FOM and I were coworkers and worked together for 2 years after the A ended. With both spouses knowing and all the tension between us it made it very easy to NOT like each other at all.

How would you feel if you were the one who didn't know about it?

this is kinda the plan. You can use the tool to help take the affair apart, or not. Like taking apart a tv. If it calls for using a screwdriver , it's like you asking if it's ok to take it apart with your hands.

Follow the directions.

Nobody said doing what is good for your M is gonna make you happy. Like F. Pittman says, it just makes you married. That's your goal. Follow the plan. Expose.

WE do lots of things that don't feel good or make us happy and we walk around in a fake entitled haze alot of the time...eating brussels sprouts or asparagus doesn't make my son that happy...but it makes him healthy.

Smile and take this serving of virtual brussel sprouts as loving advice...Open wide, and swallow! Call the man. Break it up. It may not make you feel good, you may have to endure the anger of an entitled active WS who is gonna justify and protect the affair 100 percent, but it will save your M.

I see that your D-Day was on the 21 of January. So you really aren't in recovery and won't be for some time. You may think you are in recovery and I am sure that is what your WH would like for you to believe. Trust me, you haven't even scratched the surface yet. When your WH tells you to not tell OW's husband about the affair that is nothing but fog speak. He still has feelings for the woman and is trying to do his best to protect her. Do not allow him to do that. Do not be a collaborator in their games or lies.

Your WH is in a dangerous situation right now because he is still working with and seeing OW on a daily basis. If you let sleeping dogs lie then there is a good possibility that you will be facing a second or even third D-Day in the future.

Screw his wrath!

If he has any true intentions of ending this affair then he has to follow the MB plan and that plan specifically states that affairs must be exposed to the parties that matter. Stop worrying about OW and save your marriage.

The best chance of ending the affair once and for all is to expose to the OWH. If anything maybe SHE will leave the job and your WH will get to keep his.

Stop living in fear of that your WH will leave you if you expose to OWH. He will not leave for that but he may run off with OW if you continue to allow them to be in the same space! That's what you have to worry about! He might bluster and huff and puff but he isn't going anywhere just because you expose. If he leaves because of that then he will use that as his excuse and he was going to leave anyway.

I think a phone call or an email is sufficient if you can get straight to the source. Do not tell WH before you tell OWH because you really can not trust him at this point and he may tell OW and she may make up a story to tell her BS so that he won't believe you. You have to tell OWH FIRST so that he can fall all over her like a stack of bricks. After you expose tell your WH in a calm, firm matter about what you have done and let him rant and rave if he wants too.

Tell him that you are fighting for your marriage and while he may call it dirty you call it a justified moral act. Tell him that you will not participate in lies and immoral behavior.

Honey, your marriage is in [color:"red"] DANGER[/color] right now. It's guilt that is keeping WH and OW apart but trust me if they continue to see each other daily eventually the guilt will lessen and the fog will grow denser. WH will go into withdrawal from his addiction and since the source of his addicition is right in his face daily he will not be able to resist going back. Remember, it's easier to live in the fog and be with OW then it is to do the work that will save your marriage. WS don't like hard work that is why they have affairs in the first place.

If you do not expose he will think that he got away with it and this time around they just need to be more careful. I found a forum for OW and if you ever read some of the stuff they write about what happens after D-Day you would realize that your situation is not unique.

It is routine for WS and OW/OM to continue on with an affair after D-Day. A lot of OW/OM seem to think the BS is an idiot and a joke and will glady collaborate with the WS after D-Day to keep an affair going.

[color:"red"] EXPOSE....EXPOSE....EXPOSE!!!!![/color]

Need I make myself any clearer?

I was like you- afraid that exposure would make me lose my husband. I didnt expose to workplace or OWH for 2 months. That was the worst mistake i could have made. B/C I lived with the alien for those 2 months. Even through a Retrouvaille weekend, where I was under the assumption that TRUE recovery had begun, I was NOT in recovery.

It was not until I exposed A to FWH and OW's employer (via employer's wife over lunch) and SHE encouraged me to call OWH, that the A was squashed. There were too many disapproving eyes on them for them to continue.

YOU NEED OWH TO HELP YOU END A!!!!

Like you, OW told me shortly after d-day that she had told OWH. SHE NEVER DID!!!! He was completely befuzzled when I called him at work and told him.

DO IT- DO IT NOW!!!!! This could save your marriage!

Yes, you have to tell OWH. I balked too, and it just gave my WH and OW more time to plan their defense. OWH will be a great ally to you in keeping them apart, hopefully, he will force OW to quit.

oh, I just saw that her H is reading here, so I deleted my post. We can't help you very much if your H is reading our posts, FO.

How sad for her that her H is reading her posts and she doesn't have a safe place to help figure some of this out.

I'm a FWS, when my H was working through things after d-day, even though I knew where he posted, I felt I owed it to him to give him his privacy and never read anything unless he pointed something out for me to read.

FO, I hope you read some of the posts where it is addressed that right now, you are at war for your marriage. You are not at war with your husband, b/c WH is NOT your husband. If you let him see your strategy (ie- the tips you learn here to end A) you are arming him with a defense strategy to save the A istead of your M!

Dont let him read things here. This is not being mean or sneaky to your H, it is fighting the alien (WH) who has taken over your H!!!!

i wish i had been told... everyone knew of my ex's affairs but me!

ow's now exh said he did try a few times to come to my house and tell me, but each time he came it was in the evening and he said i did not answer the door... dunno if he did actually come here or not, i never heard him knocking. finally, his mother told him "you have got to tell her" and he did come over one day and we spoke outside of my house, and he told me everything. i booted my ex out of the house that day. i was done trying to save a marriage he obviously wanted no part of.

i deserved to know long before i was told about it. i would have had a whole different strategy if i had been told! when her now exh told me, the A was supposedly over, but it never really was. ow and my h were just a bunch of liars. if i had known about it i would have told her h immediately, but instead i was the one walking around this small town wondering why everyone was looking at me with pity. poor mlhb, her h is such a low life piece of trash to do this to her and her kids. they looked at me like that and i had no idea why!

don't let her h be the last to know. he needs to know now.

mlhb

FO,

Tell OWH's together...you and your WH. Part of earning the "F" in FWH...as an act of honesty.

This isn't about taking blame...it is about owning what we chose to do, amending and redeeming our lives...real freedom comes through ownership.

For other posters--both the WS and the BS came here together to post...and didn't want to indicate who each other were...it was mutually decided and done. They both want help to recover their marriage...they both feel lost, trapped and not in control of their lives.

I want to support both of them...so they can live honest lives, build a strong, honest marriage...and face together all the consequences of their choices...to have an A and to recover their marriage.

That includes their choice for him to continue working with OW and in telling her BH.

Who's with me?

LA

LA, longtime experience around here has proven that it actually HAMPERS the ability of a couple, who is not in recovery, to GET TO recovery when the WS is reading the BS' posts. When a marriage is under attack from an affair, it only hampers her ability to stop the assault when the WS has full access to the battle plan. That is how battles are lost. Having both members post here is very beneficial when the marriage is in recovery; it can be devastating when contact is still taking place and the couple is NOT in recovery. That is the case here. Many betrayed spouses have had to flee this board for this very reason.

In this case, her efforts at exposure have been all but neutralized unless he is willing to take your suggestion and tell the OWH himself. If he refuses, then what? Most WS would never agree to that. The WS has the opportunity to forewarn the OW and she can pre-empt the BS and spin the story, completely neutralizing the exposure and ensuring the OWH never gets the truth. This just gives power to the affairees at the expense of the marriage.

This marriage is still under attack and she will be neutralized in her efforts to stop that while he is reading here. It will be much harder to support her in bringing her marriage to recovery table.

Having a wayward spouse read her posts also places well intentioned posters at the risk of being attacked by her WS. They should not be placed in that position for simply trying to help her save her marriage. That is not fair to other posters here who are in dire straits themselves to have to put up with attacks from a fogged out WS.

In short, this board is GREAT for couples in recovery, NOT GREAT for couples whose marriage is still under attack from an affair.

FO,

I'm going to write some things you don't want to hear, however I believe you NEED to hear them. Please, do not take any of this the wrong way. I'm only trying to help the both of you.

I've been reading your posts on recovery & let me tell you, since your WH's reading here as well (hello, Mr. FO!), if he has that tremendous guilt as you claim he has, then he will do EVERYTHING in his power to make it right. This means telling the OW's H exactly what he did w/his W & expect the consequences of those actions. He needs to own up to what he did & this is a good way to start. Facing the other person he hurt (who doesn't even know he hurt BTW) & apologizing to him in person. I agree that BOTH of you should do this TOGETHER. It will be a big step toward healing for BOTH of you.

This might also help w/the work situation. The OW's H may just have HER quit & then your H wouldn't have to leave the workplace. As long as they are still working together, contact continues & your recovery is going to be a lot longer & a lot more painful. If he is still working w/this woman on a daily basis, then he still is a WH. He is not doing everything in HIS power to end this once & for all. He is still considered wayward I'm afraid.

Your H is right -- ultimately it IS up to her to tell her H; however, do you REALLY think that will happen? You know the answer to that question as well as we do. "Yeah, I'll tell him SOMETIME." Meanwhile, she's laughing, working w/YOUR H, still not telling her H about what she's done. Do we really have to spell out for you why she wouldn't?

You KNOW this answer FO. And your H does too. Expose to him NOW. If the shoes were reversed, wouldn't YOU want to know? He DESERVES to know.

Just to add, if you know and don't tell....then u r enabling the A.

L.

Just thought of something else to add -- My H had a ONS w/a good friend about a year after we were M'd. I found out 8 YEARS LATER b/c she told me about it & he finally confessed. Her H had known this whole time & he said nothing to me about it. I was EXTREMELY angry w/her H for not informing me. I had felt like everyone that I knew had betrayed me, not just my H.

I also want to add that I did NOT expose this latest A to the OW's H, although I should have. I deeply regret that & it pains me all the time. I spend time looking for the OW's H just so I can track him down & tell him what happened. I live w/that every day & I'm so mad at myself & disappointed in myself b/c I had the power to tell this man what his W was actually doing behind his back & I never said a word -- during the A I didn't tell him b/c I was stupid & believed WH when he told me that he already knew; after the A I tried to contact him & he & the OW had moved to another state. I haven't been able to track them down since. Do NOT make the same mistake I did.

ok, i hear all of you loud and clear. i have got my e-mail open and am about to write him.

i know my h will be mad at me, but yall are right. i am fighting for my marriage. hopefully he will thank me later

and i wanted to add that my husband does not read my posts. he knows i have been posting here, but doesn't know my user name. i was going to show it to him, but now i will not.

thanks sooooo much
i'll let yall know how it goes when he calls or writes back.

I am saying a prayer for you right now. Be strong. WH will be pissed, but that is the "W"H who is trying to protect the A. When he becomes the "F"WH, he will prob. thank you for having the guts to expose!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Good Girl! Im proud of you!