What do you guys think? thanks so much for kicking me in the rear about this. as soon as i read all of yall's posts, i knew i had to expose the a. and i just did it. didn't think too hard or try to talk myself out of it.

here's the e-mail

Subject : Do you know who I am?

If not, you will soon. I am FWH wife. He works with your wife. I am so sorry to be the one to have to tell you this (and you may already know). But our spouses slept together. On 3 different occasions. It was between about January 7th and 15th. Once in OW car, and twice in my husbands car.
My husband confessed to me on January 21st and has said that nothing has happened since then. I believe him. He is very sorry and wants to work it out.

If you need to talk to me, you can call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. I also have text messages. Or you can e-mail me here.

I am so very sorry that this happened. Please do not physically harm my husband. We have a daughter together.

You and I may need to work together to ensure that these 2 stay apart. I've already told FWH that one of them has to quit after tax season.

Please do respond to my e-mail. This has been eating me inside for the past 2 weeks and I felt you needed to know.

BS

PS - I have found a website called www.marriagebuilders.com and it has been invaluable to me. It will be to you also, if yall decide to try and work it out.

(((hug))) be brave and stand up for yorself and your marriage! Wait until OWH confirms that he has received the email. As far as working with him to stop the affar you have to remember to limit your involvement with him. You never know he may try to start something with you out of revenge and you do not need that. Limit your "help" to giving him all pertinent information and leave it at that.

You are not his friend and cannot develop any sort of relationship with this man.

So just sit and wait for a little bit, see if OWH gets the message, tell him everything he wants to know and leave it at that.

As far as your husband goes, make it your business to remain 100% calm and rational. No screaming, no tears, no pleading for him to understand, no deep explanation.

Simply say what you did and why you did it.

"DH, I was morally obligated to inform OWH about the affair. What the two of you did was wrong and I am not sorry that I told. My silence would have made me a collaborator in you and OW's lies and I refuse to do that because I am not a liar or an immoral person. I love you but I cannot allow my love for you to turn me into a liar and I believe that a lie by omission is the same thing as a lie that is verbalized. I know that you feel sorry for the OW but I do not feel the least bit sorry for her troubles. If she never wanted her husband to find out she was a cheater then she shouldn't have cheated."

thanks for the words of wisdom. i do plan to limit my involvement with the owh. the last thing i would want to do is to hurt my h the way he has hurt me.

i am so grateful to have found this site.

Good luck! I am praying for you.

Good for you, you did the right thing. Stay strong and calm when your H finds out. Most likely he will be mad, but too bad. I was happy to read that your H doesn't read your posts.

I'm curious, how did you obtain OWH's email address? Are you sure it's his and not something she will see first and then pretend to be him?

lifeschoice,
it is actually a funny coincidence. the owh works where i used to work. (we are all 4 accountants) so i went to the company website and there was his pic, bio and e-mail address. since it's his work e-mail, i don't think she would have access.
if i don't hear from him in a couple of days, i will call him at work. his office is actually across the street from my current job.

small world.

Wow, how convenient. I was just thinking back to our d-day in Dec 04. My H would have had no way to get FOM W's email address. My H did email my FOM at work to tell him he knew about the A because I had confessed. I would imagine your heart was racing as you hit the send button.

My H did talk to FOM's W in Feb 05. We use to live in the same neighborhood. My H said, even though he knew her socially, he didn't feel comfortable knocking on their door. He said if he happened to see her out in the neighborhood he would stop and talk to her. He told me after his conversation with her he thought she knew a little, but certainly not everything. He still feels bad because at one point in their conversation she began to visibly shake. She had mentioned to my H she did not want details and she knew the A wasn't sexual. He responded yes she was correct we did not have sex, but there was physical contact between us. It was at that point she began to visibly shake. I think she was only told it was emotional or that is what my H assumed anyway.

I read a post in this section this morning titled "Trueheart's letter to the wayward spouse" I don't know if you read it or not, but it is right on the money. It might be something to print out and give to your H.

I wish you and your H the best. Remember to take care of yourself.

do you think he checks it on the weekend?

Maybe have your husband stay home tomorrow and spend sometime with you instead of going to work

hmm. according to the ow, the owh is very religious, so he probably will not go into work today. hopefully he will be working in the office tomorrow so he can check his e-mail.

i wish my fwh could take off tomorrow, but we both called into work sick the day after d-day (2 weeks ago tomorrow) so that probably won't go over too well, especially considering it's tax season.

I think you've done well. Prepare for a wild ride over the next few days though.

I'm a bit concerned that an e-mail would not have the same impact as calling him and speaking to him in person. His WW may try to spin your story as the rantings of an overly-needy W who mistook a few actions of affection as something more.

i did try to call him at work first...no one is there today apparently. and their home phone # is unlisted. i went ahead with the e-mail b/c i figured i'd lose my nerve.
so that's what he gets. i'm anxiously awaiting his reply.

but, FWIW, he, also is suspicous of his WW. i know he requested a copy of her cell records. and based on what my h's looked like, i'm sure he'll have all of the evidence he needs.

I think it's probably going to be pretty horrible for him to find this out while at the office. Remember what you went through when you found out what happened. In some ways, it can be worse for a H.