Guess what my daughters told me Thursday night?

One said, "You know what I don't like about Daddy? When he gets mad at us, he doesn't yell like you do, sometimes he slaps our bottom or our face."

Apparently, it's happened to the older one at least twice, but she refuses to remember. "Mommy, I try to forget," she said to me. The younger one said it only happened to her once.

Once they are home with me tonight, I'm going to call him and tell him slapping their face is unacceptable and he's nto to do it again. I'll also say "You are not to tell the girls to not tell me."

This is the first step according to the school counselor and my pastor who has over a decade of counseling within a private practice environment.

If anyone has any advice, please share it.

Good grief GG.It makes my skin crawl whenever I think about a child being hit in any way.I know there are some people left who still think it's ok to spank,etc but I sure don't,not ever.

How old are your kids?

I guess if I were you,I would not hesitate to firmly place a "threat" on my ex that if he ever did that again and I heard about it I would get the authorities involved and as you mentioned, that it is completely unacceptable behavior,certainly as a parent.At this time you don't know just how bad he has been hitting them,especially if the kids are reluctant to out their dad.

Thankfully,my ex and I were in complete agreement that no hitting of any kind was allowed on our kids as a form of punishment or other tactic.

But where I live,most of the community has a very friendly relationship with the police and they are very involved with the community kids so I wouldn't think twice of getting them involved if things were bad.But again,in my case,my ex only sees the kids EOW and so there isn't much to "fight" over in those brief times.

Good luck with this.

AB, I'm not totally against spankling although I believe it has a very confined place.

Slapping a face is not spanking a bottom.

Although the girls said it hurt, I've never seen any bruises. That's a positive. The negative is the girls are 7 and 10 and, I wouldn't give a pass to a man slapping a grown woman, so I won't give it to a man slapping a woman-child.

Thanks for your help and insight.

hmm....

i would document all this that is for sure. my kids told me once that when they got too loud at their father's house and were not listening to him, he swatted them in the mouth.

it's a hard call in my opinion. did you and your ex always discipline differently? i am NOT opposed to physical discipline if it done the right way and not on older children. i did spank mine. we followed the "dare to discipline" rules. BUT, i do not agree with physical punishment when it is used in anger and after lots of yelling. you know, like violence. no no no.

if he is yelling at them and slapping them in the face or spanking them after yelling and threats, that i do NOT agree with. I do not believe in slapping the face period. my daughter was mouthing off really really bad one morning and i was at my wits end... i gave her a swap on the lips for her sass and i felt just terrible afterwards and NEVER did it again.

sounds like your ex is being physical after nothing else works, and after getting really angry. that is not right.
discipline has to be consistent and done with love not anger. that is my opinion.

as a matter of fact, i learned some great ways to discipline so that there really is no longer any yelling in my house either. when the kids went to counseling after ex and i split, their counselor taught me some very good ways to discipline that did not involve physical or yelling. and it works!

mlhb

GG, you might find some good articles about (both physical and mental) consequences of spanking and (especially) slapping children in the face, and give them to your XH to read.
E.g. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp

While children have to be taught of consequences for their behavior, I don't believe in spanking/slapping "methods" AT ALL, moreover I am so against it.
It is so disrespectful, it disgraces the child, it affects their self-esteem - I see no good in it at all.

My son is 5, I spanked his bottom (and never ever would I anywhere else) less then 5-6 time all together, before his 3rd birthday, and that was only for dangerous things he wanted to touch. So, it's been 2 years now, no yelling no hitting, and I am very pleased with outcome; he's very polite, self-confident, and he knows very well that every behavior has consequences, but none of them is yelling nor - violence.
And he applies the same - whenever he's mad or helpless with others, he knows that hitting and yelling is not a solution, but a good communication and mutual agreements.

I treat/respect him as a person not (just) child, and the more I treat him as that, the more a nice person appears to be growing up.

Hey GG, I'm sorry this is happening to your girls...& to you.

I know how hard it is to bring this up to your ex (my ex can cut my boys to the quick with sharp comments just like his father did to him & he once picked my oldest up by the shirt & shoved him) but I think you have to.

Because I was there when the incident happened it may have been easier for me get to the topic, but it did happen at a very difficult point in our relationship with separation just around the corner.

What I did was figure out ahead of time what I needed to address & what I wanted to say. I kept it very brief. I told him "I don't want you to treat our boys this way. This was the way your father dealt with you & it's unacceptable & you know that."

After the incident I kept a close watch & asked my son if there had been any re-occurrences. We were all in the same house at the time so it was easier but once ex left I still asked my son once in a while about his father's behavior toward him.

In your case I'd document the dates & what your girls share with you about their fathers behavior. Speak to him right away & let him know it's unacceptable, that you will ask & if the girls show any sign they been threatened to not talk to you about it you'll take that as a sign he's hit them again. Don't threaten him though. Simply let know you are aware & will be watching & willing to do something should you think it necessary. That last part is tough to say without it sounding like a threat.

I did talk to Bill this morning. I told him that M had said he had slapped her face last week. First, he said he didn’t remember. When I persisted, he said he did remember, but that I was “blowing it out of proportion” because it was “just a tap to get her attention,” and “it didn’t hurt.” I just kept saying that slapping a face was unacceptable and that I expect it won’t happen again. B said “I expect it won’t.” I’m not sure how to take that, but at any rate, I’ve gone on record.

Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it.

I agree with you GG. Occasional spanking is one thing, but no one ever deserves to be hit in the face. Does he have any trips to Texas planned? I would be happy to discuss it with him, face to face.