Hey All
I've been lurking here for awhile now. I was a registered member under "molly" a few years back. I forgot signin name and have changed e-mail, so can't recover password.
So I'll tell my story later but here's a brief summary.

12/26/06 I filed a complaint at work against two co-workers and a supervisor for harrassment, sexual harrassment and stalking. This has been going on for over two years and I had finally had enough and was feeling threatened "physically" at work and at home. The behavior escalated rapidly after that.

One of the co-workers is a former girlfriend of my husband. They dated for about a year on and off. They were both single, he had just escaped a really bad marriage--trust me that one was not saveable!!! She "OW" was 22, divorced, and super available if you know what I mean. He is 17 years older. 1999-2000

My H and I have worked together in the same room since 1990.
We have been friends for years, I know you all don't believe opposite sex friends can be just friends but I'm living proof thats not true. We were really just very good friends. Married to other people, no hanky-panky I swear!

I was divorced in 1999 after 25 years. NOT saveable.
My H and I dated casual late 99.
Mid 1999 "OW" then Xgirlfriend got engaged. She told H that if he wouldn't marry her she would find someone who would.
He was fine with that. In fact he took the cowards way out and told her he couldn't marry her, it wouldn't be fair to her because he had grown kids and didn't want anymore, he was too old for her. Back then I thought that was OK because he let her down easy. He was in it for the sex and took what she offered.
early 2000 H and I dated more. Found out H still servicing XG while engaged to Current H. Got really mad at him and stopped dating. They were together less than a month before she married. Went away for weekend to a race. While on trip XG won a cruise. She wanted H to go with her but he refused. Thats the last time they were together.
Recently, after my life blew up I found out some real important info I wish I'd had before. I could never figure out why XG later "OW" hated me enough to harrass and stalk me. This crap has been going on since early 2000. She tells everyone, and I do mean everyone well except her "H" that I stole her man and She only married her H to get kids, then my H was to be her "back door man" her words!! She claims he promised to raise her kids for her.
For years I put up with this crap and largely ignored it for the juvinile behavior it was. Mostly teenage stuff, you know just to be annoying. But a friend, she had a EA with him, told me the missing piece. It seems that XG drove to H's apartment a week before her marriage, she was going to confront him and put her plan into action. She was demanding he marry her to keep her from ruining her life for spite. When she got to his apartment, before she knocked she peeked in the windows. I was there. I remember that night because it was just before I left for a 2 week trip to the west indies. She had approached me a work all excited and I thought that was weird, she never talked to females at work. And she certainly never was nice to anyone accept men. Anyway she was so furious about my being there she threathened to kill me to this friend. She was absolutely outraged that he picked me over her.
She got married while I was gone. Her honeymoon trip was the cruise she won on her sex weekend a month earlier.
I have always felt bad for her H, he doesn't have a clue. She has trashed him for the first day. She constantly bashes him. He's lazy, he's fat, he doesn't know how to please a woman in bed. He agreed to be a stay at home dad. she doesn't miss a chance to slam him. She's been involved with at least 3 other men at work and Lord knows how many out of work. Everybody feels sorry for him. Unforunatly most of the men "majority men" believe what she says. They don't see the viper for what she is. They believe this crap going on now is a catfight. Yikes!!
My H and I dated and married 10/04. We had a backyard wedding. XG was outside the gate watching. How pathetic. But I should have seen the signs way back. She was truely obsessed and I treated it like teenage games. Bad move on my part.
Soon after we married XG hooked up with a couple at work supervisor and apprentice. They were hot and heavy in an adultrous affair and the three together quickly became more than I could handle. XG, with the help of adultrous couple weasled her way into my work space by forcing my H to train apprentice. XG was constantly in room "visiting". Like a cat in heat she was everywhere H was. All giggly and rescue me little girlish. "gag me". When I would walk by she actually would rub up against him!! I could have ripped her freakin head off.
For awhile I just put up with it. H didn't seem to be reacting and I looked like A FOOL FOR SAYING SOMETHING. tHEN i TOLD h ENOUGH! No More!! I told him this crap had better stop. Her behavior and his lack of response was no longer acceptable. I was done be humiliated at work. I told him that he needed to tell her to back off or I would show her what real humiliation looked like. To this day I don't know if he did tell her but it escalated from there.
Finally 3/06 I had enough. She was calling my house and I saw all three of them ride by my house repeatedly. She was rubbing up against him at work and glaring at me as if defying me to do something. Soooo I made a mistake "one of many" I confronted her. I took her outside away from prying eyes and ears and told her to knock it off. Stop this crap at work and don't call my house or ride by anymore.
To put it mildly she was not very receptive. She informed me she could have had my H anytime she wanted. she controlled the situation and I was nothing. She laughed and called me a coward for not daring to threaten her in front of people but in private. I told her calmly "Actually I wanted to choke her, the ******!!" I said I was trying to be nice and save her the embarrassment of telling her to stop this crap in front of others. She actually laughed and taunted with. "You nice?? You couldn't be nice ever, it's not in your character." Well damn!! That wasn't a nice thing or very smart thing to say.
This was one moment however brief that I got to see real fear in her face. "I leaned forward and said VERY sweetly, You are absolutly right, thanks honey for that gently reminder. For a minute there I forgot, It is definitely NOT in my character to be nice. So lets go inside and I'll do this right." She just about ran inside, I followed and proceded to tell the whole shop REALLY LOUDLY exactly what she was doing as far as I knew it at the time.
One thing I missed though was she said outloud "She thinks I'm F^&*ing her husband!" I heard it but didn't catch the significance of it.
Right after that she got a restraining order at work. I pissed her off because I just laughed when I found out. I stupidly thought it went both ways. If I had to stay away from her..she had to stay the heck away from me. Ahhh NOPE!!
She and her two buddies have made my life ****** ever since. They have done everything in their power to get me fired. They tell horrendous lies about me. It has gotten so bad with her lies that Men that don't know the story or are new to her web are in the protect her mode. Very dangerous!!! She tells people "men" "her H" "her Family" that I'm a danger to her kids!! I'm really scared sometimes and for a long time no one would listen that this woman is crazy.
Then the bomb dropped.
They had an affair. How simple that is to write. How awful it is to think about. How stupid I was not to see it!!
What I was witnessing just prior to 03/06 confrontation wasn't affair, it was already over by then. Happened 06/05
I had a front row seat to her blackmailing him. I'm dead serious. She would do all that crap daring him to say something, She threatened to blow up his life. She was soooo devestated by not having him that only $2000 so she could go to Disney World would make her feel better. And the idiot paid her!!! Shortly after that he found out she was arrested for shoplifting at Walmart and $900 was missing from recreation fund at work. She was investigated and they couldn't prove she took it because other Female co-worker signed statement swearing she SAW OW give cash to someone else. Oh what a tangled web we weave!!
Now The three of them have filed against me saying they are in fear of their lives. OW swears she hasn't ever been with WH. She says he has been sexually harrassing her since before she got married. She says I'm a crzy jealous W that made all this up. She told the investigators and her husband that Me and H have conspired to ruin her marriage from the beginning. She goes around crying and carrying on like she terrified. Then rides by my house after work smirking!!!
We, WH and I have been going to counciling. It's been good and He's more than willing to read and try anything.
I'll write later about the marriage part.
One thing the councilor saidf bothers me. I hoped that now that I knew the truth about their affair that OW would be disarmed. She's not! She still holds power. As long as she hasn't told OWH then I'm still in danger. I'm in danger from anyone trying to protect her. And worse, what if there is something she thinks of that H might not have told me.
Sorry WS's out there, especially men but I don't think they realize how devastating it is to know certain details. Like if she was in my house! Was she in my bed? Did she touch my stuff? That kind of thing aplifies the hurt. So are there more details that WH didn't think important, but that can still scrape the wound?
Sorry this got so long, there's much more to tell but I'll cut to the chase.
How do I tell OWH? Should I tell OWH? If so, how do I forgive myself for inflicting such awful pain on an innocent victim of the bloodsucker OW. And he is truely innocent. All he did was love her. Damn I hate this!!
Sorry so disjointed. Any advice would be appreciated

One last thing I sure wish this board had spell check. LOL
Later Molly

The OWH deserves to know.

IMO, the best person to inform him, given your situation, is your H. Or you can do it together. He also needs to let the OWH know what his W has been up to in the office.

Molly,

Welcome and thank you for your bravery in posting, not just lurking.

Yes, you and your FWH need to tell OWH. Simple and straightforward...you did NOT inflict pain on him...your FWH did...to own, inform and amend is the first step on this road to redemption. It's necessary.

Ask FWH to write a no contact letter and give it to OWH's...about OW...you'll find samples here on this forum if you do a search. You read and approve of the letter.

Next, find new jobs...both of you need to go NC with OW.

Figure out your highest priority...and make it your marriage. Define healthy marital and personal boundaries and both of you adhere to them...for your self-respect and that of your marriage.

Find your lines that don't waver...aren't situational...and choose to live cleanly within them. You'll find real freedom, great relief, your own power and limits...and together, a thriving marriage.

OW holds no power that you do not give her. Your FWH not giving you the details you want is HIS part, not OW's. How much rent in your mind you lease to OW is YOUR part.

And keep in mind...when good men stand by when evil is done, then they become part of the evil.

LA

molly,

What a mess!! yikes!! EXPOSE! To him....and anybody else who would listen and believe you (because it sounds like EVERYBODY's credibility is in question....sigh) Of course the OWH needs to know! He needed to know LAST YEAR! Sheesh :rollyeyes:

That's step one.

Step two (and three and four and five): Get an attorney. File a police report for blackmail. Get a PI and document her driving by your house. File a civil suit for damages. Oh and of course.....file weekly reports to H&R until they take you seriously and remove her. In the meantime....look for a NEW JOB!! Stop being a victim....this woman controls your life because you LET HER. The idea that you've been doing this for YEARS....makes me question YOU!! yikes! Get serious and put an end to this.....otherwise....it's just DRAMA that everyone is FEEDING off of.

LA,

I'm so thankful for your post! You'll have to be "good cop" today....because I'm just shaking my head. I love your compassion and wisdom....and there is certainly truth, and wisdom in your perspective....and mine.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you both for your reply.
I'm sorry it took so long to get back here.
First LA, thanks for your advice. I was reeling when I posted and needed some direction. Honestly I think I just needed some courage.
I know my story sounds awfuland I look like a complete fool.
Believe me if I could go back I would have done everything different. I would have seen all this coming and been able to stop it. Unforunatly thats not an option.
I'm still working on how to move forward. I think I'll make it.
Again thanks

Now Starfish
rollyeyes aside, I knew about the affair for 2 weeks before the post. I have already tried all of the things you suggest. Nothing works.
At the time I came here and asked what I considered to be a valid question, I really needed advice, not condemning or derision or rolling eyes and shaking heads. I fear telling OWH. That's fact not drama. Is it worth bringing more wrath down on my head?
Sometimes I think veterans like yourself forget that new people that are hurting and confused are real people with real feelings. Sometimes what you may see as drama is very real and devastating to the person seeking your counsel.
I'm going to chalk this up to you were having a bad day and go back to lurking. Surprisingly, that seems to help some.

Both of you Have a safe and Happy Easter.
Molly

P.S.
If your interested
Some insight into what my life has been like can be found at
www.bullyonline.com

Quote

Sometimes I think veterans like yourself forget that new people that are hurting and confused are real people with real feelings. Sometimes what you may see as drama is very real and devastating to the person seeking your counsel.
I'm going to chalk this up to you were having a bad day and go back to lurking. Surprisingly, that seems to help some.

my goodness

here is one vet who will take you at your word and avoid offering you anything short of wishing you and yours [color:"purple"]HAPPY EASTER [/color]

Maybe you can start a thread that asks : "NO Vets please"

enjoy lurking

Pep

Here's me eating crow and so so sorry for that offensive statement. Please accept my apology. I am truely sorry.
I know, really know that you veterans truely help everyone. I didn't mean it the way it came out.
I'm beginning to see how I'm letting myself strike out. I'm hypersensitive to rolling eyes and shaking heads. I know thats a lousy excuse and I'm sorry I let it spill out here.
Sometimes I forget that this rotten mess must look pretty drama filled and soap opera to others. God, I wish it was just a series on TV. I'd shut it off and be done with it.
Again Sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Molly

Me again,
That apology was meant for all who read or read this post.
I'm not sure how I ended up sending it to Pepperband or did I. Anyway Starfish, especially you I'm sorry.
Molly

Oh, (((Molly))) - I don't think you did anything so terribly wrong. You are wearing your heart on your sleeve by posting here, and the "rolleyes" in the response was unnecessary, I agree. You were just honest in saying that it hurt you and you are in a world of hurt right now.

Take care...chin up...there's lots of good advice to be had here.

molly,

You don't owe me an apology chere.....I owe you one. I was posting quickly and just reacting to how pscho the OW sounded...and the length of time this has gone on. My frustration was directed at your situation....not at you. I was just flabberghasted at how vicious this woman is. This must be incredibly painful, complicated and exhausting after all this time. This OW sounds cruel and dangerous....she needs to be exposed (to all important people including her H) and restrained legally. How have you endured this for so long!!

Take back your power. She's manipulated things to her benefit....so you'll have to be smart, calm and calculated to turn that tide and expose her for what she truly is.

If she won't leave the company....I hope you and your husband can find other jobs. But even if you do....this woman may not stop. I would get legal help and document document document. I had a stalker/bunny boiler type OW in my marriage too and I know how crazy it can get.

((((((((((((((((molly)))))))))))))

One very classy lady (((((Star*fish)))))

Molly, stick around. There is help for everyone that has a need for it.

Best wishes,
SD