No adultry here - but has been undocumented physical and verbal abuse on/off for almost all of our almost 8 year marriage. We have been in counselling but even the counsellor had said if it escalated to violent behaviour again - then that had to be it. Which it did last weekend and he has been out (though still hasn't actually got an apt or taken his stuff). I have to go see a lawyer and I"m not sure about filing for legal separation first or for divorce. Our finances are horrid as it is - so I need to have some legal document about being single because we have 5 very young children and legal child support in place to be able to apply for housing subidy and other things. I'm just seriously sick because even as bad as some of the verbal abuse has been and that he has physical hurt me a number of times over this marriage - I still miss him and I'm so scared of tryign to raise kids on my own. I'm getting mixed messages from people that know of the situation IRL on whether just to try get the legal separation or to go ahead file for divorce now on ground of abuse (which unfortunately will be hard to prove the final incident didn't actually leave any bruises or anything - which is why he couldn't believe I was calling it done over that when there has been so much worse).

This is just really awful and I still want to be able to work it out even still - when he is being nice - I still have contant nightmares and anxiety attacks and stuff at night wtih flashbacks from stuff that happenned before and I'm not sure there is any coming back from that. Even though finally - he is seeking treatment for sleep apnea and depression, my logical mind tells me even that shouldn't be enough to try again with someone who has been physically abusive a many times over 8 years, though the other side says maybe that explains everything and it would still be o.k. So the logical side is thinking maybe I should file for divorce first off before I lose my nerve on it. I still haven't talked to a lawyer though - need to find one tomorrow.

mamcheryl,

I can just imagine how frightening it is to face being a sinlge mom with 5 children to raise! As frightening as that is though, remember that the relationship that you and your H have is the role model for your children's future relationships. No mother wants to see her children in abusive relationships. For your children's sake, don't put up with it. See a lawyer and find out what the best option is financially.

Divorced or separated, neither will prevent your husband from working on his own personal problems or being a good father .... IF that is what he wants to do.

Your responsibility is to protect your children and to protect yourself so you can be the best mom you can.