The situation in short:
My co-habiting man started an affair with a woman at his work in October. He has since then not lived in our home; most of his friends know this.
The OW is married with two small children. Her husband knows about the affair and is devastated; he wants to save his marriage. His wife told him before Christmas that she wanted a divorce, changed her mind over Christmas and wanted to work on their marriage and changed her mind again two weeks ago and wanted a divorce.

I have checked their company policy and there is nothing which in any way could prevent them from having an affair. There is not even a policy to make couples work in separate departments and the management won't do anything unless their behaviour influences their work or the atmosphere among their colleagues.

I fear that if their relationship becomes public, the result will be that the OW leaves her husband immediately. Do you recommend exposure at work in this situation?

WMI, the reason many companies have policies prohibiting this kind of conduct is because some have been sued for NOT having these policies. See an attorney

That's tricky, I'm experiencing this as we speak. My wife is involved with a coworker, and my WW and I work at the SAME place. We work in different departments, and we are State Employees, so the policy is certainly going to differ greatly from private sector jobs.

I'm not sure, everyone here has YELLED to expose,expose, expose, and when it is a coworker to expose to the supervisors.

On one hand, the advice is to not shield the adulterous from the consequences of their actions.

On the other hand, my WW and ILs feel that it's vindicative or vengeful, and that is contradictory to my purpose. Not to hurt my spouse, but to end the affair.

So, take all things into consideration, get a good feel for your situation. I personally believe you HAVE TO expose, but exposing or airing it outside the families and close friends is a situational judgment call.

Although his company may not have a written policy regarding two co-workers having an affair, they may have policies regarding the use of company e-mail for "personal" use, sexual harassment policies if it is a supervisor/subordinate relationship, etc. I know of a number of situations where people have lost their jobs because of their adulterous behavior at the work place. They get careless and think they are invincible. People will find out.

Thank you for your replies.

We live in Europe and I don't think and I don't think there is any chance to sue a company for not having a policy about this. It is not a supervisor/subordinate relationship and I don't think there are rules for using company e-mail for personal use.

I called up their HR department and their response was that they don't interfere with private matters as long as it does not affect the work or the atmosphere among their colleagues.

Expose to OW's Husband

Today

He deserves the truth about his life

AND

It is quite likely OW will scurry back to her husband.

Most affairs do not result in divorce.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you MrWondering, but OW's husband already knows about the affair. She even told him that she wanted a divorce but later she changed her mind and then changed her mind back again.

Older people around me keep telling me that from their experience the affair will end and that a real relationship "simply will not happen", partly since it is unlikely that OW will divorce her husband. I just wanted some thoughts about what exposure at work might lead to.

duh, if I had only read your first post more thoroughly. Sorry, I was in a bit of a rush.

Work exposure likely won't result in them being fired but it will bring the affair into the light of day. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Allow the infidels to squirm and feel the consequences of their behavior. They may act like everybody is fine with it and nobody cares, but secretly they will feel shame and insecurity about the things, no doubt, said about them behind their backs at work.

Instead of galavanting their little dirty secret at work (i.e.- hidden kisses, flirty touches, etc) they become hesitant because they fear they are being watched. The distance either of them exhibits becomes a love buster to the other one. The playfulness and dirtyness of the whole thing just completely vanishes.

The beginning of the end.

Mr. Wondering

Besides

If you get really lucky the following may occur:

1. Someone there may be a former BS that actually says something to them.

2. The embarassment may be the impetus to making one or the other of them quit their job.

3. OW MAY have a bad employee record and someone in management is just looking for an excuse to fire her and they will utilize this conduct (even though not in the employment manual) as the catalyst to fire OW (or your man) for some REAL transgression they have recently been written up for instead of giving them another chance.

4. YOU get peace of mind that you DID something to try to combat this situation instead of living in fear.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks again, MrWondering. You really gave me something to think about.

I was actually thinking that a possible consequence would be a fight between them. My man has declared to our friends that he has broken up with me and wants to see OW but I don't think she wants to get out in the open with him. She seems to be quite comfortable eating her cake.

He would not hide their relation from their colleagues and she might get mad at him because of that. If that holds they might have a healthy little argument and on top of all, he hates arguments.

There you go

Conflict for the conflict avoider


Additionally, you aren't married to this man. Lucky you. Help OW save her marriage, but I don't think YOU should consider taking this man back into your life.

Pursue somebody better.

YOU MATTER

Mr. Wondering

I have really tried to consider what I want and I have come to the conclusion that I want to try to get him back. What he has done wrong is:
-During a deep crisis in our relationship he got an invitation from this woman and instead of trying to solve our crisis, he flipped out and fell in love with her.
-He kissed her once before he broke up with me.
-He now says he is in love with her and does not want to try to restore his love for me.
I can not swear that I would not have done the same, especially since I was quite mean to him during the summer and autumn, also after he had left me.

Although he has behaved badly, he has never lied to me. We have been a couple for 10 years and even if we are not married, we have been a family and have our extended family and all friends in common.

Yesterday I called their local office (previously I called the central office and asked about their policy). I talked to an HR clerk and told him that I was calling about a sensitive issue and told him my co-habiting mans name, the OW's name and that they have an affair. The HR clerk probably knows the OW very well (she has been working there for 10 years) and he seemed to know my co-habiting man too.

He was chocked to hear about the affair but said that unfortunately they don't have any policy against it. However, I know that the company is planning a re-organisation in the near future so I asked him if it was possible to separate them then. He said yes, they don't work in the same project or even in the same area so the company can take the affair into consideration when they allocate offices.

He also asked me if the affair was public and I said that as far as I know it is not public and she is still living with her husband and has not filed for divorce. I pointed out to him that her family is hurt and that there are two small children involved and from his reaction I think that he knows her husband. I guess this is as good exposure as I can do to their work management.

I don't know if I should tell my mans friends at work about the affair. I have been thinking hard about this, I even know what people to talk to, but I hesitate since I am afraid that exposure might lead to
1. The OW leaves her husband
2. My man is angry since he feels that I want to "trick" him into ending the affair and coming home. He made some comment about that after I had talked to his mother. I know that anger is not that bad but he feels that I tried to manipulate him and he can not stand that.

I also talked to his brother yesterday but that was a complete disappointment. I have known him for 10 years, I have been a part of their family and all he can say to me is basically "I feel pity for you but there is nothing I can do, my brother makes his own decisions and I can not question him". I was most disappointed when I realized that he does not even see anything wrong in what his brother is doing. I told him that the OW is still married, that she keeps changing her mind about divorce or not and that it is more likely that she will divorce her husband if she continues the affair and he replied that my man is not responsible for that, it is her marriage and her decisions. That attitude actually made me question if I really want my man almost more than the affair itself. I guess that two brothers with the same upbringing have similar moral and I certainly think that my man is doing wrong when he is seeing the OW in this situation.

The most supporting "exposure" was not intended to be one. One of our friends asked me last week what has happened and I told him the whole story. He was chocked to hear about it and agrees with me that my man is doing wrong in leaving me and in seeing the OW. He is against divorces unless the couple has serious problems and he offered himself to talk to my man. He thinks that my man is depressed and is looking for something to cheer him up and he pointed out that my man has lost weight (he was on the skinny side even before this) and that he does not seem happy.

I take it then that he disclosed his A to you as soon as it started? If not, he was being dishonest with you, engaging in "lies of omission" about his life.

WMI,

No one has yet answered your question. I can't answer it, but you can.

Here are a few more questions:

1. How long can you share your man with this OW?

2. If OW leaves her H and runs to your man, how is that any dif than it is right now?

3. What is the upside of telling the workplace?

4. What is the downside, other than what you fear may happen?

ManInMotion: Basically he had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks without telling me. Then he kissed her and told me about it the same day, saying that he had stronger feeling for her than me.

As I wrote we had a major crisis at the time and I am not sure that I could not do the same thing. He had me and our relation at home, but I was depressed and angry and than this woman was nice to him and he fell for her, at least that is my impression of what happened.

The weeks before he told me about the affair we did not talk much at all, he was away on business and I visited my family. But before that, he said that he loved me most in the world and wanted to spend his life with me. I don't believe that love fades that fast and I still love him and I don't want him to be in a dirty affair.

Maybe2late: The reason I don't want OW to leave her husband is that I really hope that they will reconciliate (of course I think that OW is a b***** but that is while she is being OW, if she would be her husbands wife she would probably be OK :-) Also, I don't want to upset him since he is "on my side".

I think it will make it more difficult for them to reconciliate if she moves. Besides, they have to sell their house if she moves to an apartment and I understand that it is very important to them.

Maybe2late: You gave me something to think about with your questions.

I don't want to share my man with the OW. I want him to realise that he is behaving like an idiot, that she (at least now, as a WW/OW) is not an attractive person and that he and I can build a great relationship again. Sometimes I just want to kick him out and let him go on with his (now) dirty life but than I think about all we have shared and the person he has been for so long and I just can not believe that he is gone forever. A long reply without answering the question, I know, but I can't tell how long I can stand loving him while he is seeing her.

The upside of telling the workplace is what MrWondering wrote; it would be embarrassing for them and make them pull away from each other. The downside is that I feel that if we (or the other couple) would reconciliate it would be tough to have friends and colleagues who know about the affair.

The downside would be for the co-workers to know about it? That is a good thing.

The very best thing would be for your man to leave this job and get a new job at another co. He would then be away form OW.

Your man will not see how stupid he is acting until he is away from OW and has had NC for a period of time. He won't take the steps needed so you will have to do this for him.

Expose to the work place. Tell any and all who will listen. Make it very hard for them to hold their head up a work.

you wrote this:
"I called up their HR department and their response was that they don't interfere with private matters as long as it does not affect the work or the atmosphere among their colleagues. "

Well everyone knowing about and talking about this A will affect the work atmosphere so something will have to happen if exposed.

Expose to work, but don't tell anyone, not even OW husband that you are going to expose, just do it.

How could it be any worse than it is now?

You can do this.

As I wrote before I am really disappointed with his brother. I am also disappointed that his parents do not question anything he does. From the start his brother was at least talking to him, asking him to not make any hasty decision. Now he seems to just accept whatever my man does even when he behaves really bad, leaves me and continues to see the OW although she is still married and living with her husband. In another thread here I read something like "My parents would kick my *ss if they ever found out I was fooling around with a married woman". We live in Sweden and we don't live by exactly the same moral as many people in USA but I thought that we had some minimum of moral, apparently I was wrong.

That is one reason why I hesitate to expose at their workplace. As I wrote, people will disapprove if they see each other while she is living with her husband but if she moves out it might be a different situation.

I hope that our common friend will say some well chosen words to my man. It's funny, I did not tell him about the affair from the start since he is not the kind of person I confide in, but he might be the only one who actually helps me. I have known him for 15 years and he is very reliable.