I'd like to introduce myself and share my story in spite of the possibility of being criticized and judged by what I tell. But I really want to save my marriage and I'm doing everything possible to do so.

I am a recently seperated husband. My wife moved out one month ago. We've been married for 8 1/2 years, no kids but lots of pets.

First I guess a little background. We're both 31. She was previously married for 2 years and her husband divorced her. I was a friend at work and looking back at that time our relationship was probably not appropriate. She had no choice in the matter as far as her divorce was concerned and we really were just friends that worked together. But our interest and involvement grew rapidly after the divorce. So lately our hindsight is that we did move too quickly and at such a young age.

Now comes the present day. We've had a normal marriage up until last summer when an ex-girlfriend started emailing me sharing her marital problems with me. Eventually our conversations grew inappropriate for us to be having and my wife discovered them. That led to the discovery of porn on my computer. Now comes the very difficult part for me to talk about. I took pictures of my wife without her consent. She also found those. They were for me and no one else. Just the fact I took them when she had told me not to was what hurt her. This happened about 7-8 months ago. That week was rocky and she was ready to leave then. Somehow she stayed. Things gradually resumed to a normal state and I guess we just brushed it under the carpet.

Fast forward to November and she sees the camera in the bedroom which brings back the pain which she realizes she's not over. I noticed her mood drastically change and she shared that she was thinking about divorce. I was shocked and tryed everything to keep her from making any drastic moves. For the next month and a half we lived in the same house but that was pretty much it. I tried being more giving. I tried a lot of things. I quit viewing porn. At first I didn't see anything wrong with porn so I disagreed with my wife. Many of my friends convinced me there wasn't anything wrong with it. My views have since changed.

Several months went by without any sex and that really got to me. I asked for any contact between us, even just wanting her to hold me or cuddle with me but she wouldn't. Two nights I felt really alone and desperate and decided to touch her while she slept, except she was not really asleep. The next day she decided to move but did not tell me. I only found out because I noticed a check written for a deposit on an apartment. That whole ordeal is another story in itself so look for that in a future post.

So the last month has been strange and confusing. She says she's been unhappy for a really long time. She says she doesn't love me anymore. Yet she still asks me to do things for her. Friday she calls me and asks me to bring her lunch and I'm only happy to do so. Then yesterday she asks if I could pick her up some things at the store since I was out and about. She finally agreed to go to counseling with me later this week but I feel she doesn't want to go. I think she's just doing it for me.

I really feel I have changed. I no longer have any desire to look at another woman, real or otherwise. She told me not to tell her I've changed, that a person doesn't just change overnight but I feel I have. Maybe I've just done a really good job of convincing myself but all I have to go off of are my feelings. One thing about myself is that I strayed from God. Early in our relationship I was more religious that she. She started to grow in her belief and I withdrew. I think that is the biggest factor in our conflict. Since the problems resurfaced several months ago and especially since the seperation my closeness with God has grown exponentially. I know I am a better person than I've ever been. I also know I am more dedicated to our marriage than I've ever been.

At this point I just don't know what else to do. She says she's tired and just doesn't want to try anymore. She doesn't want any responsibilities and doesn't want anything to do with anybody else as far as relationships go. For her the porpose of the seperation is to discover what she wants out of life. For me it just seems like a slow decent into divorce.

jrlex,
Welcome to Marriage Builders, I'm sorry for what brings you here.

Let me offer you some support. The people that hang around this forum are experienced at recovering marriages from all sorts of problems.
The first thing I can tell you is that you cannot make your wife return to you. Nothing you can 'do' will convince her otherwise. Words won't cut it. You have to become someone else. You say that you have changed, and maybe you have but consistency over a long period of time is the real test.
That should be your goal. If you want to save your M you're going to have to demonstrate to your W that you have changed.
From her standpoint your actions destroyed her trust in you. Trust takes time and consistent actions to re-build. Nothing else can do it.

Read everything on this website, get yourself a library card and start with some reading. I would ask yourself some tough questions, like "why did I want to take pictures of my wife in the first place?". Answering these questions can be very difficult, getting to real honesty with yourself isn't always easy. I know, I'm in the same boat as you.

I wish you well on your journey, it will not be an easy one. Have a lot of patience, and try not to get resentful if you give and give and give some more. It's good practice to show someone that you love them.

- TTM

Thx for the warm welcome TTM. I have been reading your thread on Withdrawal. That seems like the stage my wife is in. She's not near as extreme as yours but when she decided to move out she would not even let me know where she lived. I found out by accident though. She moved two blocks from my parents house and I saw where she moved to. I wish I hadn't seen. I was looking forward to the day she was comfortable to tell me where she lived. Now I don't have that.

There are other issues with that though. First off she has made several trips about the country with people from work including other single men. She works with an airline so we get to travel pretty easily. She's never given me any reason not to trust her yet when she told me she was thinking about divorce I became severally insecure. I started questioning everything she did and constantly checked her cell phone. After we seperated she decided to go on a trip to Hawaii. That upset me because it has always been a dream of mine to go with her to Hawaii ever since we got married. She told me her plans the day she was going. She knew of it several days in advance but decided to tell me the day of. Then I found out several guys were going as well, one of which I knew she's really friendly with at work. That is, they are buddy-buddy and talk all day at work.

Well the day they got back was the day I found out where she lives because I was leaving my parents house and she drove right by me without noticing. I wish I hadn't looked to see where she was going but couldn't help myself. She called to tell me she was studying and would be over later that eve. It got really late and she didn't answer so I thought about something she'd said a long time ago. She'd stated the guy from work could help her study. That got to me so I drove over and sure enough I saw his car there. That freaked me out. My wife won't let me know where she lives yet she is behind locked doors with another man. That got to me. I haven't been the best Christian but that is waaayy wrong. I confronted her that night and she wouldn't open the door. Eventually the guy left and she talked to me from the doorway. She could see how I thought the situation was wrong but would only state that she knew what SHE was doing and she wasn't doing anything wrong. She did tell me she would meet in a public place from then on but I don't know. I still trust her, some people say my love for her has made me blind. I don't know anymore. For the ten years we've known each other I really feel she's not the type to have an affair. However she has shut me out from giving her any emotional support. She still calls on me to pick stuff up for her. We sometimes go out to eat or to a function someone has invited us to. So I feel she may be having an emotional affair at the least.

We met and talked for over an hour a couple days ago. She agreed to go to see my counselor together later this week but I feel she is just doing it for me or to shut me up. I told her it was important that she not go if she didn't want as it would do no good at all.

I found out last night from my wifes friend she was really close to opening up to me after she got back from her trip. My wife had told me she just needed some time and space but when I showed up at her place that all went out the door. I didn't really understand but I'm guessing her friend was trying to tell me to back off a little and give her the space she needs.

It was weird before she left. I knew she was leaving and I guess I just felt like everyday might be my last so I made extra effort to be close to her, practically smothering her. I know that had the opposite effect.

So now I try to understand her actions. I know I cannot expect anything from her but I don't understand why she askes for things from me like doing her favors, running errands, whatever when she's thinking about divorce. Of course I'm going to jump through hoops to provide for her. It's all I have left.

My counselor and friends have told me to back off and even become unavailable for her. I've quit calling and texting her. I have mixed feelings on that. I miss her voice, I miss seeing her but at the same time I don't want to say or do something that pushes her further away. So I want to talk to her but I'm scared to anymore. It's still hard for me to do. Especially if she wants me to do something for her. The last thing I want to do is upset her by not doing something she wants after all these years I've been the selfish one.

So I look forward to our session together

Going thru something similar but much worse. Have you guys tried counseling at your church?
If you are going to do things for her - Shouldn't see do things for you as well.

Not having sex will hurt the marriage fairly quick in my opinion.
I would say that you have to figure out a way to have an open honest conversation with no arguing.

I too think you should back off a bit, and here’s why: You have major issues with respecting her boundaries. You took photos of her when she told you not to. You groped her during the night when you thought she was asleep. Doesn’t this strike you as … scary behavior? It would freak me out.

This isn’t some bimbette from Hustler. This is the woman you promised to love, honor and cherish, and you used her in a way she didn’t agree to for your own gratification.

Then, she refuses to tell you where she lives. You seize the opportunity to find out, and then stick around, even when she doesn’t want to let you in. That would make me very uncomfortable. You crossed that boundary.

Please note that I’m not excusing her having another man in her apartment. However, if you want her back, you need to show her you can and will respect her boundaries.

PS: If she does come back, never ever have a camera in the bedroom or bathroom.

During my separation from my now exH, I lived in an apartment on my own. He and I reunited several different times (sexually) back at our marital house, in our bedroom. Once, after we were done, I noticed him adjusting something on the nearby dresser. He had videotaped us, WITHOUT my consent (not that I ever would've given consent). For me, that was a major turning point. It was a moment when I realized he no longer loved me, and could care a less about me as a person, that I had been reduced to a sexual object, like the bimbos in the porn videos he watched. I ripped the tape out of the video camera and smashed it to pieces. He weakly tried to apologize and explain it away, but the events of that day really did slam the door of my heart shut. My ability to trust that man ever again was pretty much gone after that event. (There is also A LOT more to how and why our marriage was over, but this event was traumatic for me.)

I share this story with you to let you know that your wife is perhaps feeling similar feelings to those I once felt. It's not a minor thing to photograph a woman without her consent. It tears away any trust you had built up, it's taking something without permission, and it makes us feel like we the person don't matter to you, that we're just a sexual object for your physical gratification - just one more face in a line of women you view(ed) in pornography, rather than the woman you love and respect.

Perhaps give her some space and time, and maybe she will reach out to you again.

Jen

JRLex, are you here?

We want to help. Sorry if we didn't sugarcoat it.