I have been in plan B since Dec 26th. I sent my PBL and WH initially complied with contact through intermediaries. Now, he has sent me an e-mail stating that he feels that communicating through a 3rd party is not effective and he will only communicate with me directly. I don't see the 3rd party as an issue. The issue is that WH does not respond to any e-mail that he doesn't want to.

I want to know some opinions as to how I should proceed. I want to respond to his e-mail, as he requested the kids this psat weekend ( I did not receive the e-mail until today however) but I feel like that would open up communication with him and I don't want to do that.

The issue began because WH did not respond to an e-mail inquiring if WH would be able to attend, or even get the day off, (that was sent via intermediaries) for a field trip with DS5. I therefore had to get someone else to travel with son on his trip as it required immediate naming of a chaperone. (as travel was done on Amtrak) I had plans for my BF wedding that day so I could not attend. WH then calls the day of the trip (to my work), when the e-mail specifically stated need to know ASAP, to find out the details of the day. Never responded at any other time to say he was interested or could get the day off. And now, it is my fault for this bad communication....in his mind anyway.

So, now do I continue to comunicate only as stated in PBL or do I need to start direct e-mail communication? I DO NOT WANT to e-mail him directly. I want no contact with him. Is this doable when children are involved?

All advice welcome. IHC

Do not communicate with him directly. Next time, do not use ASAP rather specify a date & time for latest respond; if you don't hear from him, then assume he's not interested or can't attend. You snooze, you lose, SORRY. You need to take control of your own ship, not him.

Stay strong.

miketc,

I think the e-mail might have stated that I needed to know by the next day and asap. He just never responds when it doesn't benefit him.

Here is his e-mail:


It is already past the days he asked for the kids.

I am thinking I want my intermediary to send him an e-mail stating he can have the kids this coming Fri/Sat. I don't have any rpoblem with him seeing the kids...but I want to stay completely dark! I also want to remind him that he NEVER responded at all saying if he was available or interested.

IHC

IHC,

This is his attempt to get back in contact. If he wrote to you directly....you should have diverted it right to your intermediary without reading it. If she/he forwarded it to you....Respond via the intermediary:

DH,

I realize that direct communication is far more efficient and effective....however....it is also more painful and unfair for me. If efficiency is a great concern of yours, you may want to consider that having an affair that tears up our family, and trying to parent children from two different places is the height of inefficiency.

star*fish,

ROFLMBO!!!

I so want to send that to him. I may...through my intermediary.

I also did not think to send the e-mail to my int. before opening it.

I am also glad that I am not a nut for not wanting to e-mail directly, even though there really is no difference than getting a forward...except that it can be filtered if necessary.

IHC

anyone else have input?

Is keeping no contact until PBL conditions are met still an option? I have heard many people have done tm's re their kids, but I would prefer none at all except via int.'s

How to respond to his e-mail also...through int's only, right?

IHC

IHC,

No, no, no....he's totally uncomfortable with the sitch, and it sounds like he doesn't want to take responsbility for him jerking around and putting his family last. He's blame shifting by stating that he did not know you already had someone set up to go to field trip. That's a load of crap. He is using this particular sitch to try and get to you. Don't let him.

I like star*fish's approach. It's honest, no LB, and redirects the focus of the problem.

I would not respond directly. If he will not open emails from intermediary, then maybe intermediary could text message or call to relay your message. ONLY IN EMERGENCY do you NEED to speak. You gave him ample time to respond. Don't fall for this line of bull. H and I never had problems dealing with DS, because we had a SCHEDULE, which we rarely veered from, and if something came up, we dealt with it...

Stay strong, remain silent...

silent,

OK. I will not respond. I think I am also going to put a block on his e-mail address. Then he won't be able to e-mail me.

I just don't get why it is even important to be able to contact me. I mostly see it as embarrassment on his end that someone else knows how little he is doing with his kids. This is the 3rd time he has tried to make me quit using a 3rd party.

I am so glad I did not respond right away. I felt bad because of not responding to him asking for the kids for the night. Oh well, he'll have other opportunities.

IHC

I don't have any Plan B advice or experience or anything ...

I'm sure it makes it even harder since there isn't a set schedule -- he just picks what time he wants with the kids.

It sounds like he's going to try to pick fights ("you didn't give me the information about the field trip ... " "you didn't let me have the kids when I asked for them...." etc.), so that you have to have contact with him to defend yourself. He knows as well as you do that you gave him the opportunity and he blew it. So just keep your documentation up (in case he tries to make the same allegations in court) and see right through his plan.

-AmI.

He wants to be able to contact you directly because he cannot stand to be in the dark. He wants to be a part of your life but on his own terms. You cannot stop Plan B unless the criteria for ending Plan B are met. If you cave then he will know that he has the ability to cross your line in the sand. Do not let him draw you into a petty arguement where he can play the victim role. You know the one, my BS is such a B! Look at the hard time she gives me with the kids and she is being so dreadfully unfair to me, blah, blah, blah.

In your correspondence be brief and to the point. Allow no emotion to show at all.

I would write:

It seems that there was some confusion about the need for a timely response on your part regarding DC's field trip. In the future I will make certain that I am clear and concise in all of my details regarding upcoming events for the children. As far as ending the communication through a third party, my answer is no. For the time being I am unable to communicate directly with you and I think it best that we continue to communicate through the third party. Co-operation on both of our parts and a timely response from you in answering emails will reduce confusion and serve the best interest of the children we share in common.

Best wishes,

___________.

What can he say to that? He will not like it but he will look churlish and petty if he complains.

almondeyes,

This is a great response. Very much sounds like something I would say.

I am still just puzzled with this whole push to make me talk to him. I understand all the reasons people have given, it just is so odd to me that it even matters an ounce in his world.

But, I will not be sucked in...I will stay silent and respond through 3rd party only.

IHC

His needing to speak with directly could be about a lot of things. It could be that he wants you to be in his life again but like I said on his own terms. It could be the need to look at himself in a favorable light. He may not want to be in the marriage, he knows that he destroyed it but he needs to look at himself as the good guy. If you speak to him and allow him to be friendly and have an amicable D then he can feel good about himself. He will not have to dwell or think about the marriage he has ruined, he can move on and pretend that what he did really wasn't so bad.

I recall reading a thread from an XW who left her hubby of many years. She ran off with the OM and supposedly the relationship was so very wonderful and she was so very happy. Except, that she was seriously disturbed over the fact that her XH was into MB and once he executed Plan B he never ever spoke to her again. She couldn't stand it she really couldn't and came up with all sorts of lame reasons for why he should be her buddy. For the sake of the children (who were grown btw and were OK with their dad's decision) He wasn't over her! (how noble of her to worry about his mental and emotional health after she stepped on him) He was unhappy and mad at her (even though he himself has since re-married).

The point was that she needed affirmation from him that what she had done wasn't so very terrible. She needed him to be her friend for her own needs to soothe her dirty conscience and he would not give it to her. So she had to think about what she had done. She had to live with her choice and irked her.

People with big egos and a grand sense of entitlement need to have confirmation that they are "good" people. They want understanding and comfort they don't want to be the bad guy ever. They want you to ignore their actions and look at their supposedly good intentions.

I never meant to hurt you, I did the best I could, This hurts me worse than it does you, I really loved you I did but it's just that I couldn't control myself....blah blah blah.


Don't give in unless he makes a sincere effort to change his ways and is willing to do the work.

almondeyes,

This does make sense to me, because all during plan A, I wss overly cautious to not make him feel worse about what he was/is doing. Now he has to bear the weight of that all by himself. e doesn't have me being nice to him and still "wanting" him to soothe himself.

Thank you for this post...it really does help me wrap my mind around this action.

IHC

Response: WH, I see no issue with the way we communicate regarding the children. It is soley your choice to not communicate with me and one that I could do nothing about. But rest assured that I cannot communicate with you directly, the pain of your ongoing affair and its effects upon our family are more than any wife should have to deal with and communicating with you does nothing but re-introduce and magnify that pain. As you are aware technoloy has made communicating easy and all but instantanious. Email, text messaging to and from my chosen intermediaries should be more than sufficient as long as each of us respond in a timely manner. Thank you for understanding my position in this matter.

hopeandpray,

I am so glad to be receiving all this input. It is really helping me to formulate a response that best summarizes the exact thing I want to say.

This forum is such a blessing...I would probably not have thought of some of these things on my own. It is definitely helping me think outside my box and hold my "tongue" until I know exactly what I want to say.

Thank you!

IHC

I like the responses that have been posted, but wonder if it's too much detail? Like buying in to his trying to start an argument with you.

I'd vote for no response at all, and just have your intermediary make the arrangements for the kids visit next weekend.

But if you have to respond, how about just re-sending your PBL, highlighting the conditions required for reconciliation. Or something very simple, like "I've already explained the conditions under which I'll be able to have direct contact with you. Until then, I will not accept any direct communication from you." Sent through your intermediary, of course....

I'm NO Plan B expert, though, so I don't know. It's got to be hard to draw that line between enforcing your boundaries and being petty, and I really don't know how or where to draw that line.

But I really think he's trying to draw you in to a fight and make you come out of Plan B to defend yourself. He already knows he's the one who screwed up....

-AmI.

AmI,



I agree completely. That was my initial reaction too...to defend myself since I know it was his fault. I am trying to weigh my response very carefully and I may do just what you are saying.

See, everytime someone posts something...I gain a whole new perspective. This is very helpful to someone just in the beginning stages of plan B!

IHC

I agree he is definitely trying to draw you into a fight. The reason why I worded my email to him as I did was to CYA in case you go to court. You don't want to be accused of being unreasonable or nasty to him. So I wouldn't just not respond. He has a right to see his children and by sending him the email as I worded it you cover all bases.

I say keep hope alive but if things ever go to the D state and he brings your emails to court as evidence you want to look like you are the reasonable party.

almondeyes,

Man, I am so not the kind of person that normally thinks about the nasty sides of people...and WH could go down that road if we end up Ding...thank you for reminding me of this important detail.

I definitely want no room for loopholes with regards to court.

I also don't want to "stick it to him" in my response, even though it would feel sooo good!

Thank you again,
IHC

IHC, Plan B is also about enforcing your boundaries with the WS. You have clearly stated your boundaries in your Plan B letter and as expected the WS (your WH) is completely disrespecting your boundaries by trying to contact you directly. He MUST learn to respect YOUR boundaries and that will not happen if you cave in to his silly accusations or demands.

Stick to your boundaries and stay dark. Believe me he WILL eventually get it. It may take several attempts at him trying to break your Plan B, but once he sees you are dead serious he will begin using your intermediary. I have seen this happen in my case and others who are in Plan B. My WW made all kinds of threats at seeking custody if I didn't cooperate with her. I stayed dark and the threats have stopped and she is now complaining to her parents that I won't talk to her.

You will still communicate with your WH...it just will not be directly with you. There is noting wrong with that as this is sometimes done with some divorcees.