HTW,



That is what I am trying to do. I responded yesterday via 3rd party and therre has been no response. I now also have blocked his e-mail address from my incoming mail. Hopefully this will help me some from reading his e-mail directly.

He knows I am pretty strong willed, so he may push hard to get me to break...but I am completely determined to stay dark. I have found peace and hope in Plan B! I AM NOT GIVING THAT UP!

Thank you,

IHC

Ok here are the last 2 e-mails my intermediary received.


In response to my e-mail stating this (per my friends here!)

It seems that there was some confusion about the need for a timely
response on your part regarding DS's field trip. In the future I will
make certain that I am clear and concise in all of my details regarding
upcoming events for the children. As far as ending the communication
through a third party, my answer is no. For the time being I am unable
to communicate directly with you and I think it best that we continue to
communicate through the third party. Co-operation on both of our parts
and a timely response from you in answering emails will reduce confusion
and serve the best interest of the children we share in common.

Best wishes,

IHC



then this one:



How do I respond...I am so POed right now and I want to explode ,but instead I am asking for wise advice before I respond.

I want to respond, not react. He is on my block list so he cannot e-mail directly. I feel like this is all out war to control me!

This is new this morning and I have posted on my other thread the rest of the weekends events...please read both and HELP...


IHC

Oy, man you must be some good CAKE for all of his attempts to have a bite.

Well, this is a tough one. My husband respected my Plan B GREAT! He did as always and ignored me until some business needed to be taken care of.

You can set the option for him to find an intermediary of his own, or go through his lawyer or your lawyer (which will cost beaucoup bucks), but that you see no need for one on one communication regarding the children and their schedules, as you will be SURE to give him due advance notice of all activities. Attach the PBL with the most recent response.

His illussion of control is peeling away, and his reaction sounds normal, but take care of yourself in case he gets to be aggressive.

If he puts her on his spam list before your response, let him. Take care of your boys. Your WH will not be able to remain silent, he will attempt direct contact, you DO NOT have to respond. He will be forced to communicate in whichever way YOU are willing to, so don't let him discourage you.

Maintain that his response is not helping the children. You will not waiver. Maybe consulting your lawyer will help, too. You need to be sure that you are protected here.

Can your WH reach the intermediary by phone, and vice versa? Maybe she/he will need to begin conducting phone coversations, since he cannot get to his email. This is valid, if it's true. Does he have his own PC at home? Internet accessiblity? If so, then this is just [email]cr@p[/email], if not, then you really need to consider alternative forms of communication via intermediary. He/She could use voicemails and text messages to relay info. He has no real leg to stand on there, except how uncomfortable the guilt is...

sl,

I am just sooo frustrated that all of a sudden he needs to contact me directly. It was his idea to communicate via e-mail (with me anywsy, when we were in mediation with the courts)but now he is stating that he does not check it daily anyway.

I want to respond along these lines...if he can recieve an e-mail from me, he can recieve one from a 3rd party. Since it has been stated that this will be the primary means of communication, he needs to make it a priority to check his e-mail everyday. (let's just pretend on a daily basis that he gives a [email]cr@p[/email] about his kids)


WH can reach any one of 3 intermediaires via TM, VM, e-mail and direct calls. There are 3 who have said this is ok.


Moment of clarity...

I just realized that he has not reacted well to this from the start. I was forgetting that his initial reaction was to force me to close our joint checking. Then he asked in mediation for direct contact, then at the court hearing, now thru multiple e-mails.

Help me with wording to reply...I just want to be very clear and concise...thru another friend who will allow me to use her address for a response...then she too will be on the spam list!

A little (LOL) stressed

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
IHC

No response is necessary.

If he doesn't want information about his kids -- that's his choice.

Stop responding to his threats, stop paying attention to him. Continue to give your intermediaries the information needed. Let them find a way to get it to him.

Stop trying to manage his tantrum -- let him have it.

NO response.

He has to contact you to set up time with the kids, he either does it right or doesn't get through to you. You don't accept calls, you've already blocked e-mail, and you've given him a reasonable means of making those arrangements ....nothing else that you need to do.

You've already told him ... in your PBL, in mediation, in court, and now through another e-mail. No need to keep repeating yourself. Don't let HIM make the rules, YOU are the one in control right now ... and he really, really doesn't like it!

I've noticed this all along, he HATES Plan B, with a vengeance. Keep at it.

As for specific wording, hmmmm, well you need to be businesslike, as you have been (bravo for you)

Just state that communication regarding the children is paramount to you, also, but you don't see any reason, beyond serious/REAL emergency, for that to not go through another party, and that he can talk to THEM via voicemail, email, TM's, whatever form of communication he needs. (heiroglyphics, semiphore, kinetic energy, ESP, bionic hearing...) YOU respectfully decline to talk WITH him. Resend PBL...

I think the Wayward spouse feels some entitlement to privacy with their spouse. I know my WH didn't feel it was NECESSARY to go through an intermediary, but he never got hateful about it. I don't think they really understand the continued pain they inflict upon the BS, OR they DON'T CARE, or they don't want anyone else to be privy to how horrible they are...

Now there is your answer IHC.....YOU are in control. To ****** with what HE wants. What HE wants is why you find yourself here now. He can communicate within the framework of what you have outlined OR NOT AT ALL!! NOT HIS CALL ANYMORE!!!

Bingo! I honestly think they don't understand the pain they inflict. At least in my case, and there's some of the embarrassment/exposure part, too.

Don't respond quickly, if at all. One of the tips from Jennifer for occasions like this is when you feel like responding, ask yourself what the purpose would be. WS's will attempt to pick fights with you, because bad contact is better than no contact. Plus, if he can get you to engage in a nasty fight, it will be additional justification for what he's doing (see what a lousy, unreasonable person IHC is?). Don't take the bait. Don't do anything today. If you come up with a good reason why you need to communicate, do it tomorrow and make it very businesslike.

AAAHHHHH!!! sigh of relief...

I am so glad that I come here, post, and get advice that is cool, calm and collected.

I almost responded this morning ...thus joining in the fight. That is my natural reaction...it must be torture for him now that I am holding my tongue...he has never seen this from me...I am usually very blunt and don't temper my words with him. That is one thing that has changed about me since this all began...a good thing!!!

I am definitely going to ignore this for at least a day or two. Then I think I may resend my PBL to restate my position...no additional info just the PBL again.

I think WH knows that I am head strong and if he can break me in this, he "wins". He never used to stand up to me...he was always the guy who internalized everything and kept silent (especially if it was negative in any context).

I feel like I need to be very, very anal regarding my plan B, otherwise he will just continue to hurt me. I cannot allow this anymore. This is my safe haven and he is not allowed to be here.

Thank you all for the reinforcement...I sometimes think (like I have read on other threads) that it seems childish to not speak...but I believe in this plan and am going to stick to it.

Thank you all so much for helping me to remain focused and not be distracted by his TANTRUM!!!

He can always talk through your laywer to his lawyer and have it be EXPENSIVE as well as out of his control... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad to read your last post, IHC. You did what you needed to do--calm down. It's so tempting. . . your instinct is to engage, but the chances are overwhelming that it will accomplish nothing but frustrate you. Dealing with this was a big part of my last session with Jennifer. I'm going to post some more of that over on my thread.

Hang in there and be strong for your kids!

SDG

sdguy,



So VERY tempting. My natural instinct is to prove I'm right and defend myself...but that is not the goal of this whole plan.

I read up on your last post and I think it is sooo amazing how similar the lives of BS's are.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all!!!!

IHC

Happy Valentines day to a VERY strong woman,

IHC!!

You have nothing to prove in this A situation, no need to fight with a bully! Good job. Like Kayla and I have both said, he can always go the ever-so-expensive route and deliver messages through the lawyers...

I never responded at all to WH's latest e-mails.

OK, now here is an odd thing. Yesterday my WH e-mailed the intermediary that he supposedly just placed on his spam list...and told that he would not communicate re the kids (just last Friday)... and asked for the kids this Sun and Monday because he is off work.

She called him to reply to the e-mail, due to her supposed inclusion on his spam list. She said "I'm calling you to respond to your e-mail since you have me on your spam list." She said he sounded a little confused like he did not know what she was talking about. Then made then arrangements for the kids.

What is up with this?

I am also trying to figure out his sudden interest in his kids...it's been less than a week since he had them and now he wants them again...that is extreme for him. Would guilt be motivating him with regards to the kids? Especially since my DS11 refused to go last week? Or is this his way of slowly bringing OW into the picture with them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am unsure of what my kids will think when I tell then that he wants them again...at least the older 3 who understand that he has a girlfriend. I am also wondering what WH response will be when he learns that I have done his dirty work and told the kids about OW. Will it be relief because he doesn't have to do it himself...big chicken...or anger because they now know?

I know I should not be trying to figure this out...I'm in plan B...it is all just too odd. First he pushes for direct contact stating he won't go thru int. anymore, then goes thru the int. just 5 days later.

WS's are sooo confusing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I feel like I'm stuck in some bad high school drama!!!

IHC

Remember...no lawyer! Yuck for me...

Well, IHC, seems he IS willing to talk through intermediary, huh!?

Probably part of the reason he acted like he didn't know what intermediary was talking about, with the BLOCKED email policy he wants to enforce, was he doesn't want to look like the BAD GUY. He was confronted by the product of his choice to block her email, and wanted to squirm out of it.

You know why he's acting this way. He doesn't want to BE the bad guy, not to everyone else. Appearance for a superficial being is VERY IMPORTANT. I think Wayward spouses are the EPITOME of superficial.

You are doing very well, stick to your guns. He will not be able to break you, as long as you cut through his crap and see it for what it really is; desperate attempts at controlling the uncontrollable. You've learned it, but he hasn't, yet...

sl,

Thank you!!!

I am feeling like I was forced back on the roller coaster. My emotions are kind of all over the place right now.

I have already gotten off that ride...it made me really sick and I never want ride it again!

Thanks for the support,
IHC

Bravo IHC! You did really well with the email. I think WS is asking for the children again because his wheels are spinning and he doesn't know what else to do to re-gain control over the situation. Maybe he is think that you will get angry at his request and contact him to complain about him wanting to see the children so soon after their last visit.

Just go with the flow as long as he is treating the children well and isn't manipulating them then let them see him as often as he wants too. Just stick to Plan B and don't let him get to you.

almondeyes,



I want to do that...as long as he doesn't force them into relationship with OW. That makes me want to protect my kids ...but I guess I should just trust God to protect them and that I've raised my kids to be strong and know right from wrong. I don't want their morals to be shaken by the stupidity of their father. I think it may actually go toward strengthening them. At least that is what I will be praying.



I am trying to stay detached from him. Some days it takes everything I have to stop myself from just ripping into him...It's too bad I never get to see my H...just this alien the WH.

Thank you for the encouragement.

IHC