Hiya, MSIG,
I know you have other threads...I'm wondering why you are posting in this forum...I haven't read your other posts.
First question--are you really sick of arguing? For real?
Takes two people to argue or more...one can't do it alone. If you choose not to argue...choose to listen and repeat...to confirm or clarify what your H is saying...you'll begin to live from respect and clarity...to my knowledge, I've never heard of anyone getting sick of respect and clarity. There's a reason.
"I'm so sick of arguing with this man I have been with for 9 years, married 7."
Second, marriage has stages...Phase I is the infatuation stuff you felt when you met, found each other attractive, did fun stuff together, shared thoughts, feelings, beliefs...the getting to know stage...lasts through courtship and the first few years of marriage...mileage may vary (for some, this stage lasts longer or shorter)...and age matters...tends to cut down on the time of Phase I.
Phase II begins as you each begin to show your "real" selves to each other...not just the attractive parts, or stuff you believe will appeal to them...more of who you are...a lot of conflict develops...which isn't conflict...dealing with how you really feel, heightened awareness, possibly feeling betrayed...not who you thought he was...you not being who he thought you were...which is the really tough middle ground most marriages hit and fall apart...escalating conflict, zooming in on issues...attacking, not sharing...where the meat of working out lifetime issues really comes into play.
Phase III, btw, is when you get through Phase II with all your lessons...as a team...partnering, not parenting each other...where balance is achieved and embraced...and mature, enduring, deep love and connection is the soup du jour...every day. Where you're side by side partners, separate and equal, choosing to share your journeys and whole selves, through acceptance, respect and awareness.
"He acts like he doesn't care about me at all anymore, she says he does, but he doesn't know how to show it I guess."
Guessing in Phase II is like dancing naked on the ledge of skyscraper...do it at your own risk. There are healthier alternatives. When you assume what your partner thinks, believes, perceives or feels...you're choosing to make a Disrespectful Judgment. When you read others...determine their stuff (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions, perspectives) through body language, tone, facial gestures, actions (he pulled away from me--he doesn't love me), then you're living from disrespect and as a consequence, have feelings of abandonment, discounting, rejection...from YOUR OWN ASSUMPTIONS! Whoa. Not your partner doing it...YOU doing it to you.
Ouch.
I strongly advise reading Love Busters...especially about DJs and how sneaky, routine and insiduous they are in our lives, our thoughts, our experience. Choose respect, instead. Choose to believe when your H says he loves you...he does. Honor his truth...which is his stuff...and thereby honor your own stuff, too. Use "I" statements..."I feel rejected, discounted and ignored right now." When you own your stuff...know that your feelings are yours, they are valid...and they are information to you about what you're choosing to believe...how you choose to perceive...then you may be stunned to realize your H loves you down to your molecules.
Or not.
Your choice to live in reality instead of fantasy. DJs are FANTASY...not real...not true...and often, when you feel discounted, unappreciated...when you crave acceptance, respect, love...you are least giving it.
Or living from it. Great signal.
"He lies to me all the time about stupid idiotic things. I don't know what to do. I want some sort of counselling or something, but he refuses saying it costs too much. He hides his cell phone accounts from me and deletes all of his calls and emails, not that I can't see them anyway."
Wait, I'm confused. He hides stuff he knows you have access to already? Then how is he hiding it? Do you fear he's having an affair? When you check out his emails, calls, whereabouts...do they check out?
"He started smoking pot again after not smoking - or telling me he hadn't smoked - in almost 6 months. His friends seem more important than me or his daughter."
Are you saying you feel less important to him than you want to? Get to your truth and state it...you're craving honesty...own what is yours and share it. Don't let yourself come in from the side and hide your stuff in his. It's messy. It's called enmeshment. Happens a lot.
"I am at a complete loss. He doesn't want to work out anything yet if I talk about seperating he goes crazy crying and blubbering like a big huge baby."
OUCH...this is VERBAL ABUSE...name calling...falls under DJs and AOs...omygosh, MSIG...please don't choose to abuse, 'k? If you want your marriage to thrive...to be connected, appreciated, deeply loved and accepted...you won't be able to get there when you abuse others.
"Sometimes I just want to give up and ask him for a divorce, but I still love him just as much as I always have. What should I do?"
Do you live life from your feelings? If you were to wake up tomorrow and not feel love for him, would you leave? Do you know how to work from your head when your feelings aren't there...to hold a commitment, a vow...and to do so because you have a child together? You brought her into this world with an unspoken promise of a lifetime...you're a family.
What you example through your marriage is the single biggest effect on her life...it is...all her future relationships are greatly impacted from yours...what you model, how you communicate (or don't), what permissions you give yourself to AO or DJ or SD...you are giving to her, also...you are exampling, "This is how you have a healthy relationship" and she watches, tunes in, focuses on and takes on your beliefs...your stuff...for the rest of her life.
Be wise and true to yourself, your H and your marriage. Focus on yourself--stay here and read, know, learn, study...so you can see how you have power and limits, real freedom and responsibility...where you end and your H begins...and how parenting has no place in partnering...tough on us dyslexics, I know.
LA
