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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
F
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
I've been very lucky to get involved with a wonderful person. The only conflict we have is over my desire to continue my old activities that I had before we met. I used to be very heavily involved in rodeo through competition and production. I moved to a new state and my level of involvement dropped to a nominal level. I then met this wonderful man. He seemed very open to me still being somewhat involved with rodeo activities, but now does not seem to be very open to it. Every time we come to a compromise and I can meet the negotiated terms, he nixes the idea. I can live without rodeo, but it has been such a huge part of my life, that I do not see myself never being involved again. His reasons for not allowing me to participate are that he does not want me to be gone on the weekends and that he does not want to go with me all of the time. I want him to come with me, I want him to be part of it all. I think he fears that he will be very bored and left out even if he does come along. He also hates camping and that unfortunately is part of traveling to these shows. Initially his greatest protests were that I would get hurt competing and that it would be expensive to compete. I told him okay, I won't compete in anything very dangerous. Basically, that means I won't compete. Then I asked if it would be okay for me to do something else. He agreed, and I found a way to apply for a judging card. Now I wouldn't be competing, and I would be getting paid to go to the rodeo. He hates that idea too. I need some suggestions. I've read through the concepts and I feel I have a fair grasp. I've tried all that I can think of. Now, I have just abandoned the idea of ever getting to do anything but watch rodeo on TV. It makes me very sad that all of my friends and family can still pursue their dreams, but mine got sidelined. Thanks for any suggestions.

Joined: Nov 2005
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FH:

How long have you been involved with this man?

How old are you and the man?

Do you still own a horse? Trailer? Gear?

Because this is a tough position to be in.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
We've been together for two years now and have been making plans for a future. We are both in our mid-twenties. I still own everything, but my horse is retired due to arthritis and blindness. So I do not have a horse to compete with right now. I still have all of my roughstock equipment and I know a couple of people that are willing to rent me a horse if I do want to compete.
I am willing to do just about anything for us to make our relationship work. He's stood by me through some pretty awful stuff (illnesses) and never flinched. We've both been completely faithful to each other and we talk about everything with openess and honesty. He knows that this saddens me to be pulled away from something that was such a huge part of my life. I don't know how many more times I can play the negotiator to just get shut down again when I meet the agreed terms. I do know that I'm not going to give up on us over this either.

Joined: Sep 2004
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FWIW: I think if you do NOT get this worked out and PJOA this, you will continue to grow more resentful of this and eventually, it will become a major problem in your life with this man. It seems that he is not negotiating in good-faith, and is blind-siding you with "new" demands or withdrawn agreement.

That's not "playing" fair in a relationship -- that is controlling. This type of behavior should worry you about him.

I must suggest that you take a long serious look at the type of behavior he is exhibiting and see if it is something you are willing to deal with in the long-term. If he is changing the agreement mid-stride on this, ask yourself, what's next.

There was something I thought I could give up when I married my H, but I've found I really resent him for it at times because it's something that I grew up with and it was a big part of my life. He's now willing and eager to participate in it with me, but the resentment it created in me was/is huge.

Think about this -- love can be blind and forgiving in the short term, but if this is such a big part of who you are and what you really love to do, you really need to take a deep look into what he is doing to you. You aren't enthusiastic about giving it up, and he's not enthusiastic about you doing it. You've given and given and negotiated in good faith. Can you say the same for him?


diamondsj

Me 41
H 47
M 11
DD 9
Joined: Feb 2007
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 9
Good news! It took a little time and a couple of serious sit down talks but we've worked out a good compromise and he is sticking to it. I'm now working toward becoming a rodeo judge. I've been able to attend the monthly meetings for our state rodeo association and it's been pretty good so far. I shawdow judged my first rodeo earlier in the Spring with full blessing from my BF. My next one is the 4th of July weekend and he's even joining me at that one.
It was very hard to work through it, but we did. As harsh as it may seem, I point blank asked him why we were still together if our wants and needs of each other are so different. He was in no way ready to walk away so we started from the ground up. I explained to him (again) what my upbringing was and why it is so important for me to do this. I also explained to him that I was willing to be a part of his activities, but he has to let me do some of my own stuff and he can be the tag-a-long. I laid it all out as far as which activities of his we have done over the past year and which of mine we had done.
It was hard for him to deny the one sidedness when it was in black and white in front of him. I also included a list for each of us the activities we gave up so we could do something together. Again, when he could see the imbalance he realized that this relationship was getting to be all about me giving and him taking with no reversal.
There were a few tears from each of us during all of this. I'm now satisfied that we are understanding each other better. It's definitely improved not only our relationship but my relationship with his family.
As a bonus, he agreed that it would be good for me to go on an all women's knitting retreat for a weekend of R & R. I came back refreshed and ready to roll up my sleeves and keep working on building up our love bank.
Thank you to everyone!


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