Hello everybody,

DW and I agreed on New Year's Eve that I would ask all my A questions and she would answer them all truthfully, and then 2007 would be our year of recovery and we'd leave the ugliness of 2006 behind.

That was working very well until I began to suspect that one of her answers from December was not truthful. So I pressed her for an answer, and she finally admitted an additional detail that she had downplayed before (involving what acts were performed in our home).

My asking for the truth went over very poorly. She became very angry and verbally abusive, and accused me of having an agenda of revenge. I told her that I only want to feel secure that the deception is over and she is being honest with me now.

But I've been thinking. It's 3 months past DDay. Even though it was driving me nuts that she had misled me on an A detail, should I even be asking anymore? What good does it do me now to know what sex act was performed where?

What do you think? Should I ask when I feel bothered that there is a piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit? Or should I just accept now that the whole puzzle was horrible and ugly and stop reliving it?

NS

get marriage counseling

you both need it

We are in counseling with Jennifer Harley, but with the new, bigger mortgage, we can only afford once a month calls. I thought this site was helpful for support and advice.

Maybe my posts are too long. I'm going to shorten the one above and try again for some help.

NS

NS:

Have you downloaded "Joseph's letter" from around this site?

IT tells the WS why the BS needs the info that they do.

DO you constantly ask her the same questions over and over?

Or are you attempting to clarify the info that you have been told?

Have you used anything she has told you in a LB way against her?

And if she was to admit that she had gone all the way on the couch that night it would change .... What?

A BS needs all the info they need to process what has been going on in thier lives before during and after the A up to Dday.

WS need to give the BS whatever info they need. But it is difficult for WS to do. It is very embarrassing to admit to the things that they have done.

But you as a BS can imagine all the things that they have done.

MY BS did not need all the gory details. I had 4.5 years to recount, and she wasn't interested in the blow by blow. (literally)

But she knew what she needed to know. She will come to me still and ask me about certain things. To clarify something. And I answer the best I can. I even expand the answer. She asked, or was troubled about, my possible weekly use of Hotels/Motels and dinners with OW. I told her, that hadn't happened. I pointed out we only did that when we were away at seminars. 1-2 days a year. Never overnight. And never local. 60-75 miles away. ANd it was the truth. And BS knew this. It calmed her down.


Are your posts too long? No. Sometimes it's all about the timing.

And a hour of Harley Counselling is $185/hour. If things are so tight, imagine how expensive two divorce attorneys will be. They will get more than than that an hour and the hours can be unlimited...

So, bump it up. And if you do not get that latte, so be it. Or if you end up with a little more credit card debt, so be it. THe MB Weekend is $1000, plus travel and lodging. You might be surprised by the results of that weekend. Motarman just described his weekend there. There were only 20 couples, so he got quality face time with the Harleys....

Hi LG, thanks for the reply.

I have read through Joseph's letter. I think the situation he describes is where I was back in December. I was missing 400 pieces of the 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. But here in February, I think may only be missing 4 or 5 pieces. Is it worth pulling that ugly puzzle out of the dustbin now and then just to pop in a small corner piece? Or do I just forget about it since I've already determined it's just a picture of a giant turd anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I certainly don't ask her the same questions repeatedly. In fact, I didn't ask any questions in January. It was just this one that started bothering me, and sure enough, I was right. I am for the most part very good at avoiding LBs. I take her answers at face value, and thank her for sharing what I now is unpleasant information for her. That just pisses her off more. But I think it is my avoiding LBs that gets her to talk at all, even though it usually takes 1 full day to convince her to just be out with it. If I were lovebusting, I think she'd clam up for good.

At this point, I think I am going to stop the questions. Right now I really don't have anymore anyway. But I'm sure one will come up in the future. And I think I'm just going to give it time and see if it fades away. Maybe that's conflict avoidance? Or it could just be healthy to stop digging up the past.

I hear you loud and clear on the importance of counseling. My agreement with Mrs NS was that I would only scale back on the counseling if she agreed to read all the books with me and do the 5 Steps to Romantic Love workbook with me. So far we made it through only the first chapter of HNHN (I'm reading it to her as she really doesn't seem to have any interest in MB on her own). If we can't pick up the pace on the reading, I'll increase the frequency of the phone counseling.

Things are better tonight. We had a good dinner, lots of affection, good conversation for the last few hours. I'm pretty sure we're going to make this all work.

I just need a new couch.

NS

Well you are doing better than I was - I asked questions for 6 months - some of them over and over again.

Only you know what you need to be able to move on. Only you can answer your questions.

actually, it did come to a point for me that I would mull over a question for a few days before asking it.