Just mentioning that today would have been our 25th wedding anniversary - but celebrating anniversaries is for couples, so there will be nothing. He's in Chicago today, gets back late tonight, and leaves again Thursday morning for three days in Hawaii. He complained mightily about the Hawaii trip being a "sausage fest" - meaning it's men only - and seemed to think that should make me feel better.

It doesn't, because he still insists on putting me on the second-string bench whenever the first string (any woman he works with) is going to be around.

I have told him that as long as my choice remains "sit on the second-string bench or have nothing," that I'll take nothing.

And nothing is what I've got.

It's lonely and it's miserable and it hurts, but I did somewhere find my last half-crumb of self-respect and I'm actually feeling better about having nothing rather than be some man's second-string backup.

Confronting the passive-aggressive behavior did help, but unfortunately that cannot help with his massive sense of entitlement and his die-hard insistence on compartmentalizing his life into Work and Home with his wife only existing in the box marked Home.

But at least I got myself off that second-string bench once and for all. I was never happy there, but I kept getting fooled by how things were good when we *were* together. I always mistakenly assumed that this would carry over into his work life, too - but it never did.

Since he got to be a Big Shot about 15 years ago, it's been "Second String Bench or Nothing."

I've chosen Nothing.

Happy Nothing To Me.
Mulan

sorry Mulan

Thanks, Pep. It's a fact that I'm not a victim - I'm a volunteer. I chose to stay and try to make it work. Sometimes you lose, as I did, but I would have felt worse quitting before I felt like I'd tried everything.

I'm not calling him today. The ringers on the phones here at the house are turned off (I work at home and work always contacts me through e-mail). His email is set to go straight to a folder that I can't see unless I look for it - not that he sends much of anything. And I'm okay with all that.

It's 81 degrees and beautiful today. I will get my work caught up and then go see my horse tomorrow. She always seems glad to see me, even if some folks couldn't care less.

And in the nearly nine years that I've owned her, I've never known her to lie to me once.
Mulan

Hey,

You will always be known for Plan FU!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey, that's right! Now, that is something I am proud of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Mulan

Hey Mulan,

Sorry about your sitch. It sounds like you have a plan, if you do, can you share?

I realized this morning that I can either settle for a marriage that is "comfortable" and without passion as my FWH also chooses to get his EN's met by other women, or I can do something about it.

Happy anniversary day to you anyways!

Hi nab - thanks very much. Our situations do sound very similar. I don't really have a plan yet. I'm just leaning pretty strongly on a permanent version of Plan FU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It's a sucky anniversary - really no anniversary at all, because we were really only married for about ten years. After that he got to be a Big Shot and started lying to me so he could go be with the girls. But that's okay. I'm staying entertained today by watching the stuff on the news about the WW From Outer Space and wondering when somebody's going to interview her Betrayed Husband.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Mulan

Mulan,

I send you many warm, sisterly hugs today!

We saw similarities in our situations in the past. We've chosen different ways to deal with it. for better or for worse, each of us in the best way we can to the best of our abilities. You sound a step closer to a peaceful place than when I last read your posts. I hope this is so. it is what I am working towards as well.

Not just on bad days, my mantra is: breathe and smile, breathe and smile.

Hppy, peaceful day to you, Mulan!

Mulan,

I'm so very, very SORRY for your situation.

You are not alone. I can't believe how similar our husbands are – with their Passive/Aggressive (P/A) behavior in marriage.

I hope you don't mind if I think out loud on your thread:

I can't help but think there is MORE to P/A behavior than the Physiologists are telling us. I think the lack of intimacy in marriage is not only because of the P/A man's relationship with his parents during childhood, but also because of exposure to pornography which is common in our day and age.

Is that why so many men are becoming P/A?

It seems like P/A men want GOOD wives, proving to themselves that they are supposedly good men, but they also want to practice their craving or addiction for other women (even BAD) and deny this is happening.

In these cases, wives can't seem to PROVE what these husband's are doing to hurt their wives. The husband's go about their way, gallantly trying to sidestep the wife's catch (evidence), and are probably really enjoying it (catch me if you can lover).

My husband does the same, in principle, as yours. When he's out and about, you can't even get his attention because he is pouring it onto other women, but when it's time to go to bed at night, suddenly his friendship shows up and he's a great guy for the hour. Wow, I think my husband is back. Next day, it's back to the usual and here you thought things were working out between the two of you.

Like you, I don't like being "second" or better said "last" most of the time. My husband is now priming himself for living "as friends" but doesn't yet realize the boundaries are being systematically set by his own BAD actions.

I guess he who is laughing will be laughing last!

Uh, I'm being a little cynical here:

You're lucky. You had 10 years with your husband. I had a whole 6 months out of 23 years with mine. The 6 month mark was when he passed judgment against me saying that I didn't love him because I wanted to go back to my home town and show my old friends our wedding photos but the scheduling happened to fall on the same weekend that he caught the flu! Needless to say, I canceled the trip. But he's been taking revenge ever since.

I think these kinds of men like to put their wives into their own little "treasure chests" that we call BOXES, and then go out and live their lives as they please. But they forget that we are human beings deserving of dignity – even if we are stay at home, work at home moms who are faithful to their husbands and who care for the children.

Perhaps they are taking advantage of wives who are not gallivanting all over the country looking for other men to bring home for dinner…

Losttranslation,

I couldn't believe it when I read your mantra which is almost identical to mine:

Breathe (no kidding), Smile (somehow we have to get through this) and Blink (my husband used to make fun of me because I would blink more often than he did).

Altogether now: breathe, smile and blink…

I wish things were different, Mulan.

What are your future plans?