I failed. I am divorced now. I tried my best with marriage builders. I did plan a, plan b, counseling with Steve Harley, i worked hard at meeting my WS' ENs. I avoided LBs. What I didn't do is set reasonable boundaries. I went beyond my strength and endurance. I can't tell others what to do to save their marriage, but I can share my experience on what NOT to do!

1. SF
I recognized SF as one of My WH most important needs and tried to do a better job of fulfilling that during Plan A. That was a no-no. I should have expressed disgust and refused SF until NC was established and WS had been examined for SDs. SF with OW became inconvenient and possibly less frequent and fun after exposure. I should have let WS deal with DSB (Dreaded S Build-up) with his own two hands. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

2. Exposure was good. Despite it not bringing NC with WS/XH, it has put an end to contact with my children and protected tem from OW's manipulations.

3. Plan A: I should have done a much shorter plan A. The day after D-Day i should have given WS 4-6 weeks to come up with proof of job resignment for OW or himself and establishment of NC. Meanwhile, while executing a stellar plan a, I should have also assumed that NC would not happen. I should have hired a PI to collect legally sound proof of adultery, consulted a lawyer to sue for divorce rather than to come to an amiable agreement, booked a one-way flight for me and the girls back to the States, and hired a moving company to evacuate EVERYTHING from our house at the end of that 4-6 weeks.

4. Plan B would have looked a bit different. Instead of me living next door, WH in an appartment in MIL's house --- me looking after the children, garden, 2 houses, and MIL --- the house would have been gaping empty, me and the kids gone, MIL in need of supervision and care, weeds and filth overtaking the house and garden. OW is a poor excuse for a woman and could never, ever, ever fill that gap...

What then?
If WH or OW changed jobs, we would still all be in the same neighborhood. By my abandoning of WH he would have felt financially blackmailed and manipulated by me taking the kids. Do I want a H that pines after the trampy WW of his x-bestfriend and stays with me only because of money and our children?

I could have also insisted on selling or renting our house and moving to another community. WH's true priorities would have become crystal clear, for I am sure that WH would not have done that. I and our children were never more important than either his comfort or his cheap thrills. I see that clearly now.

So that would have been that. Here in this country, with proof of adultry, I could have come out of this financially slightly better than I have. I could also have gained full custody of D12 rather than shared custody with her main residence with me. With the present state of affairs I could not move away from this country with D12 without XH's consent.

The upside of the current status is that XH is spending more time with the kids and that is now without OW. D12 refuses to have anything to do with OW. Apparent integrity is more important than real integrity to WH, so he is embarrassed to be seen with OW in public. Whatever my opinon or feelings for XH, he is the father of my children and they love him and need him.

An advantage of bing a single mom here rather in the States is the financial security of a social system. XH and SIL miss my girls and are eager to look after them. This allows me some freedom that I certainly was not granted within my marriage.


Perhaps WH would have dumped OW cold and moved us to a new neighborhood when put under those dramatic circumstances. I let him think for too long that he could keep all the privledges of being married, but act like he was single and not contribute to the marriage.


The way I see it now, WH is not capable of coping with solving conflicts that occur in long-term relationships and wanted out of the marriage. Too wimpy to take responsibility, he made my life increasingly miserable until I had to be the one to call it quits.

It will not take long until he realizes that by getting rid of me, he has not rid himself of conflict in his life. It is possible that he will eventually realize how many of his responsibilities and conflicts that I actually helped him burden.

Sorry for the rant, but maybe someone struggling in plan a or plan b will consider this helpful. I think that in some cases people shoot for duration and stamina in plan A and plan B. I now think that DRAMATIC changes must be OBVIOUS and EXTREME to make it through WS fog.

LT, it's good to hear from you. And you did not fail - your WH did. Thank you for a stellar post. You can be sure it will help many others. I hope you will stay around and keep posting as there are many who could benefit from your advice.
Mulan

That's a good post and I and others have promoted a more aggressive stance WHEN and IF the marriage was by all standards good and the Wayward has simply become entitled and lost all sense of morals, installing complete selfisness ahead of all other behaviors.

LT
thank you for your post. it is making me think maybe i am being to easy on my H. we are very early into plan A, but you have definitely given me something to think about.
FO

Here's what I would have done differently:

When H started yapping waaaay too much about this or that female co-worker -

and coming home later and later -

and ignoring me more and more -

I should have listened to my gut feelings and IMMEDIATELY said something and done something about it.

I will never again be cowed into silence because I am afraid to be labeled the nagging wife, the old ball-and-chain, the b*tch.

I will never again ignore and override my gut feelings.

I will never again just drop hints and hope he gets the message.

I should have taken the bull by the horns, confronted the crap openly and directly, and put a stop to it one way or the other.

It's too late now. He is so arrogantly entitled, and got away with it for so long, that it's just part of who he is now - even though he did not start out that way.

So, anyone new out there - learn from LT and I. Do not ignore your instincts and do not be afraid to stand up and protect your marriage the minute you suspect something ain't right.

'cause it ain't.
Mulan

Mulan,

you are so right.

I let the A get too entrenched and it went on for too long. Plus in that small-town community it is more or less expected that a woman accept that kind of treatment as long as the WH provides for his BW and children well.

When I first caught WS manipulating and lying to spend time with Skunkypoo, I believed him when he said they were just friends and that he was really dissappointed in me for thinking that he could do such an awful thing, that I was paranoid and unreasonably jealous and should go see a psychiatrist. My mistake was that I believed in him instead of in myself and what I felt was true deep down inside. I didn't want to believe that Skunkypoo could be sitting at my table with my family every weekend and taking part in our celebrations of the holy sacraments in our family and the whole time sleeping with my H behind my back. I'd given up my home, my country, my language, my culture for this marriage. My H and my children meant everything to me and we had a very good
life together --- or so I and everyone else around us thought. I was in denial eating WS dogfood for much too long.I didn't want to believe that my H and my friend, could descecrate that.

But they did and they continue to. I offered forgiveness and the chance to repair the damage, but that was refused.

But that was then. Now its over. I've rid my life of WS and Skunkypoo and I'm putting the broken pieces of my soul back together. I'm trying to be good to myself. I've forgiven myself for my failings in the marriage, for not fulfilling my H's ENs. How could I know that he was missing something when he never told me, never asked, never complained? By learning a new language and integrating myself in a new culture and gaining acceptance in H's family and circle of friends, I have certainly proved my ability and willingness
to adapt and make major changes to meet my H's needs. WH need to take reponsibility for not expressing his unfulfilled EN's --- I can't smell them!
I've beaten myself up enough for my denial, Its time to forgive myself --- I just was not ready to take on that kind of pain and there were times I thought I could not bear it. I didn't think about suicide, I just thought I was going to die from the pain.

But I didn't die and I am coping. And even though I think I should get a medal for being so courageous to remain in this country, the last I heard they weren't handing any medals out. I will remain here because that is the best thing for my children.

I see light at the end of the tunnel. I see that I can succeed on my own. I see a better, stronger, wiser LT in the future. And even if MB didn't help me save my marriage, it has helped me to be a more understanding person and it will help me if and when I am
ready to build a new relationship.

Maybe someday I can even forgive XH and Skunkypoo; but I'm not there yet. I put that in God's hands to take care of for me. God helps me decompose all the anger and resentment, all that crap from turdland, and turn it into nourishing fertilizer for flowers in my new life.

Mulan,

Thinking about you and reflecting on forgiveness.

Maybe you can think about that too. Think about forgiving yourself for resigning to your situation as it is. Forgive yourself because you have chosen the way that you can best deal with it. Maybe there are one or two significant ENs that are being met in the marriage and you have decided that that is enough to live with...

I think that if I manage to forgive myself I can get back to enjoying what I do have in life a little more. How do you think it would be for you?

LT,

Good to hear from you. I didn't read a single point where you have substantiated failure. What I read was a successful BS who is now legally rid of the WS and OW from her life.

There will be other ties to the WS but you don't have to have the OW in YOUR life. That's a boundary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Quite proud of your recap and the helpful support you have provided. It is easy from the sidelines to tell a BS who is still in shock that their plan A is too long. Most don't get it until...well....later. Me included (and mine was short - LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

Still we learn and the one thing as a BS we learn is how to survive and survive well.

Please continue to post. You have been a great encouragement to many. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,

You were always there for me. It seemed 24 hours a day. Thank you!

How have I failed?
I denied what was going on for too long despite all the signs and warnings being there.
I believed in WH rather than in myself.
I allowed WH to psychologically abuse me.
I've abandonned MIL.
D19 blames me for the divorce.
D12 has to grow up in a broken family.

LT....thank you...your words are encouraging....this place is my lifeline.



I have found myself in the same place...sorry for the name calling but how cowardly of my WS. easier to sit by and let me(BS) and OP make all the decisions about WS's life. I am in plan B...but while in plan A WS often just went with the flow, if WS was fighting with OP..then we would have good times...when WS crossed my boundaries, WS would run off to OP. still never taking any responsibility for her actions, never really even chose to be with OP(in her eyes)waited until I kicked her out to get own apartment. even now I think WS is just waiting for whoever will put up with the most crap... cause less conflict....give her less flack...and the winner is....not me. I am no longer interested in participating in a R like that. the problem is, I have little confidence that WS will ever even identify conflict avoidance as a problem of hers. and if she doesn't identify, it can never be addressed.




this is a most surprising side effect for me. My sole purpose coming here was to get my WS back. But now I am learning how to take care of myself in ways I never did before. I am working hard at being a better person, and hopefully someday a better partner in life. If, big IF, my WS gets her head on straight, and is willing to make personal changes then perhaps we will be lucky enough to get another chance. If not, then I know I will be secure in my decisions to rid myself of the toxicity that comes with being involved with someone so entitled and selfish. for the first time in my life, I actually believe I am worth more than that.

LT, thank you for your insight and strength. it helps me believe in my own plan even more. the plan to be a better me. not for WS, or even for S, but for me.
I don't know much about your story, but you speak like a person who has endured a great deal, has made difficult decisions, and has provided security for your family. that sounds like a great deal of growing and learning, that is courageous, that does not sound like failure to me. IMHO