A very strange thing happened after my H confessed the A. I suddenly had a sex drive for the first time ever, and wanted to be with him desperately (with condoms of course)
He however, is not interested. He says he can't look at me w/o feeling guilty.
He does "give in" most of the time, but now i'm wondering, should I wait until he's ready?
We have identified SF as the top EN I was not meeting (this came as news to me!!) so that makes me think i should continue initiating sex.

And also i figure, if he's getting it at home, he won't be susceptible to the OW again, who he still works with for the time being.

just wanted some of yall's "veteran" inputs.

thanks in advance

FO

I feel your pain. Our situations sound very similar. The very day my H revealed the A I wanted to have sex and was never sexually agressive at all. That was his complaint with me and his reasoning for the A. He said that i didn't want him and someone else gave him some attention and did.

I wanted sex daily and didn't feel as though I was trying to compete. He found it very weird but went along even though he stopped initiating.

It has been 10 months now and I am still very much intereseted in sex. He, on the other hand, says that he really doesn't care about it---and he has always been a "sexaholic". I haven't been "attacking" him every night like I was doing, but I would if I thought he was interested. Anyway, I guess I'm not much help because I don't have an answer---just wanted you to know that I'm in the same boat.

I'm no "veteran", but I am a survivor at this point.

Plan A involves meeting the emotional needs that WS will allow you to meet, right? Since this is a big need of his, and you actually have the desire, and as a man he will almost certainly always "give in", I think it can only help to continue meeting his needs.

It sounds like he's numb right now, or possibly even still involved, but keep meeting this and any other EN you can, watch the LB's, and it should eventually get him out of the fog and back to you. The alternative is to NOT meet his needs, which while instinctual when you have been hurt so badly, is not the way to build the marriage back to what you want it to be.

And get him out of that office ASAP.

NS

Dear FO,

After D-Day, most BW blame themselves for the A and break their necks trying to be a better housewife, a better mother, a better cook, more beautiful, more fun,.more interesting ... and a better lover. I was no different. The harder I tried, the worse WH treated me. On all levels. I'd cookhim his favorite gourmet meal, he'd push the plate away, stand up and cook a pot of unsalted rice. On a sexual level he began to demand S&M. He wanted me to tie him up and beg for sex. So, you can imagine the alarm when I read this:



A healthy, functioning heterosexual man does not "give in" to sex with his wife! He is showing you that he does not feel worthy ... and he's not!!!

My therapist told me that a man will sometimes become unfaithful simply because the opportunity arises or out of an ego issue that has very little to do with his wife at all. The more understanding and forgiving his wife is, the more guilty and unworthy the WH feels. He punishes his wife by treating her like a tramp and rewards the OW, who actually is a tramp, because she is no better than he is and makes him feel worthy again.

Tell your WH you are very sorry that you did not give him SF as you wish you had in the past and that you would love the chance to make up for this and look forward to exploring a fulfilling sexual life in the future. Unfortunately though, the possibility of exchanging body fluids with a cheap woman of no scruples does not turn you on and you will wait for this opportunity until you can be sure that NC has been established and he has been examined for SD's.

are you a fly on my wall? my H actually told me he did not feel guilty and sad around the OW b/c they are "both bad" he feels guilty and sad around me because i am "good". he has also mentioned that i "deserve better" and "someone else could make you happier"

as i'm typing this, i'm sure yall are thinking "he's still sleeping with the OW", but i truly do not believe he is. but ******, a month ago i would have never believed he would have slept with her in the first place.

this sucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It sure does suck! And yes, as long as NC has not been extablished the A continues in one form or another.

FO,

Hire a PI and do what ever you can to collect legal proof of the A. Meanwhile do the best Plan A you can --- without SF!!! Make sure he gets good enticing hints at how much and how often you would like to be fulfilling his need for SF.
Talk to your lawyer about the evidence you find. Get advice. Find out what you can expect financially and about child custody in the case of divorce. Having that secret legal leverage behind you will give you back a little bit of security again and help you be strong for your plan a. Read up on exposure and after collecting your proof, expose the A in one fell swoop to EVERYONE who could possibly play a role in breaking up the A. WS will be extremely angry, but that will blow over because he knows he deserves it and you will be continuing with plan A. Set yurself a time limit for Plan A.