I'd like to introduce myself and share my story in spite of the possibility of being criticized and judged by what I tell. But I really want to save my marriage and I'm doing everything possible to do so.

I am a recently seperated husband. My wife moved out one month ago. We've been married for 8 1/2 years, no kids but lots of pets.

First I guess a little background. We're both 31. She was previously married for 2 years and her husband divorced her. I was a friend at work and looking back at that time our relationship was probably not appropriate. She had no choice in the matter as far as her divorce was concerned and we really were just friends that worked together. But our interest and involvement grew rapidly after the divorce. So lately our hindsight is that we did move too quickly and at such a young age.

Now comes the present day. We've had a normal marriage up until last summer when an ex-girlfriend started emailing me sharing her marital problems with me. Eventually our conversations grew inappropriate for us to be having and my wife discovered them. That led to the discovery of porn on my computer. Now comes the very difficult part for me to talk about. I took pictures of my wife without her consent. She also found those. They were for me and no one else. Just the fact I took them when she had told me not to was what hurt her. This happened about 7-8 months ago. That week was rocky and she was ready to leave then. Somehow she stayed. Things gradually resumed to a normal state and I guess we just brushed it under the carpet.

Fast forward to November and she sees the camera in the bedroom which brings back the pain which she realizes she's not over. I noticed her mood drastically change and she shared that she was thinking about divorce. I was shocked and tryed everything to keep her from making any drastic moves. For the next month and a half we lived in the same house but that was pretty much it. I tried being more giving. I tried a lot of things. I quit viewing porn. At first I didn't see anything wrong with porn so I disagreed with my wife. Many of my friends convinced me there wasn't anything wrong with it. My views have since changed.

Several months went by without any sex and that really got to me. I asked for any contact between us, even just wanting her to hold me or cuddle with me but she wouldn't. Two nights I felt really alone and desperate and decided to touch her while she slept, except she was not really asleep. The next day she decided to move but did not tell me. I only found out because I noticed a check written for a deposit on an apartment. That whole ordeal is another story in itself so look for that in a future post.

So the last month has been strange and confusing. She says she's been unhappy for a really long time. She says she doesn't love me anymore. Yet she still asks me to do things for her. Friday she calls me and asks me to bring her lunch and I'm only happy to do so. Then yesterday she asks if I could pick her up some things at the store since I was out and about. She finally agreed to go to counseling with me later this week but I feel she doesn't want to go. I think she's just doing it for me.

I really feel I have changed. I no longer have any desire to look at another woman, real or otherwise. She told me not to tell her I've changed, that a person doesn't just change overnight but I feel I have. Maybe I've just done a really good job of convincing myself but all I have to go off of are my feelings. One thing about myself is that I strayed from God. Early in our relationship I was more religious that she. She started to grow in her belief and I withdrew. I think that is the biggest factor in our conflict. Since the problems resurfaced several months ago and especially since the seperation my closeness with God has grown exponentially. I know I am a better person than I've ever been. I also know I am more dedicated to our marriage than I've ever been.

At this point I just don't know what else to do. She says she's tired and just doesn't want to try anymore. She doesn't want any responsibilities and doesn't want anything to do with anybody else as far as relationships go. For her the porpose of the seperation is to discover what she wants out of life. For me it just seems like a slow decent into divorce.

As for the situation of my wife moving out, when she decided to move out she would not even let me know where she lived. I found out by pure chance though. She moved two blocks from my parents house and I saw where she moved to. I wish I hadn't seen. I was looking forward to the day she was comfortable to tell me where she lived. Now I don't have that.

There are other issues with that though. First off she has made several trips about the country with people from work including other single men. She works with an airline so we get to travel pretty easily. She's never given me any reason not to trust her yet when she told me she was thinking about divorce I became severally insecure. I started questioning everything she did and constantly checked her cell phone. After we seperated she decided to go on a trip to Hawaii. That upset me because it has always been a dream of mine to go with her to Hawaii ever since we got married. She told me her plans the day she was going. She knew of it several days in advance but decided to tell me the day of. Then I found out several guys were going as well, one of which I knew she's really friendly with at work. That is, they are buddy-buddy and talk all day at work.

Well the day they got back was the day I found out where she lives because I was leaving my parents house and she drove right by me without noticing. I wish I hadn't looked to see where she was going but couldn't help myself. She called to tell me she was studying and would be over later that eve. It got really late and she didn't answer so I thought about something she'd said a long time ago. She'd stated the guy from work could help her study. That got to me so I drove over and sure enough I saw his car there. That freaked me out. My wife won't let me know where she lives yet she is behind locked doors with another man. That got to me. I haven't been the best Christian but that is waaayy wrong. I confronted her that night and she wouldn't open the door. Eventually the guy left and she talked to me from the doorway. She could see how I thought the situation was wrong but would only state that she knew what SHE was doing and she wasn't doing anything wrong. She did tell me she would meet in a public place from then on but I don't know. I still trust her, some people say my love for her has made me blind. I don't know anymore. For the ten years we've known each other I really feel she's not the type to have an affair. However she has shut me out from giving her any emotional support. She still calls on me to pick stuff up for her. We sometimes go out to eat or to a function someone has invited us to. So I feel she may be having an emotional affair at the least.

We met and talked for over an hour a couple days ago. She agreed to go to see my counselor together later this week but I feel she is just doing it for me or to shut me up. I told her it was important that she not go if she didn't want as it would do no good at all.

I found out last night from my wifes friend she was really close to opening up to me after she got back from her trip. My wife had told me she just needed some time and space but when I showed up at her place that all went out the door. I didn't really understand but I'm guessing her friend was trying to tell me to back off a little and give her the space she needs.

It was weird before she left. I knew she was leaving and I guess I just felt like everyday might be my last so I made extra effort to be close to her, practically smothering her. I know that had the opposite effect.

So now I try to understand her actions. I know I cannot expect anything from her but I don't understand why she askes for things from me like doing her favors, running errands, whatever when she's thinking about divorce. Of course I'm going to jump through hoops to provide for her. It's all I have left.

My counselor and friends have told me to back off and even become unavailable for her. I've quit calling and texting her. I have mixed feelings on that. I miss her voice, I miss seeing her but at the same time I don't want to say or do something that pushes her further away. So I want to talk to her but I'm scared to anymore. It's still hard for me to do. Especially if she wants me to do something for her. The last thing I want to do is upset her by not doing something she wants after all these years I've been the selfish one.

So I look forward to our session together

Hi Jrlex.

I have not had time to read your whole story.....You might want to repost on the EN board...it gets more traffic.
I'll check back.
just wanted to say...Welcome to MB.

Sounds like you're in a tough situation. Your wife is probably scared to try again because she's afraid of getting hurt. People don't realize that being dishonest can really ruin a relationship. I have issues with my husband about being dishonest. He has lied to me several times and even though I still love him, I don't trust at all. I question everything he does. He says he's changed, but I have told him it is going to take a lot of time and that he is going to have to prove it to me. He has gotten in church now and is doing better, but right now I still have no trust in him. First your wife found out you were have inappropriate conversations with another woman. Then, you took the pictures of your wife without her permission, you really crossed a fine line. Sorry to sound so harsh, but sometimes people have just had enough. I hope though that the counseling does work. If she's willing to go, even if you think she doesn't really want to, go anyway. It's worth a shot. Best of luck!

She ended up not going. Long story short she got stuck running an errand and didn't have her phone. When she called I was headed up to the session on my own and told her I was disappointed she put other thing in higher priority over our marriage. She hung up on me and texted me "Forget it! I am done!" I called her back and she explained why she was running late and told me o call her later. We ended up going out to eat and had some discussion there. My biggest question was why she hanging on if she has no hope. She says she doesn't want to be the failure in the marriage and feels that divorce would mean she's the failure. I don't know where to go from here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I believe she's hanging on for one of three reasons (1) It's possible that maybe she is just testing your love for her. Those who are easy to give up, generally don't love the other person. Maybe she thinks that if she spends some time away from you, that you really will change because you know that the next time you'll lose her. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." (2) On the other hand, maybe she's wanting to hurt you just as you did her. You said that she is having a guy come over and things like that. Maybe before she's done, she is just wanting you to feel some of what she's went through. (3) Or maybe she is just being selfish and is leading you on. It may be the situation that she keeps you hanging by a thread just so you're still there, just only at her convenience. She doesn't want to have a relationship with you anymore, but yet doesn't want you to be able to move on. If that's the case, let her go. Hope this helps.

Welcome to MB

I think you have every rigth to be wierd over the fact this other guy she talks with is also her study buddy. Some who have A or emotional attraction will pull them way from there spouse. And try and make life better without there BS.
You did a good thing about stopping the txting and calls.
If she really wants to try on the M then she needs to stop pulling you along like yes I want it one day then no to go shove it the next.
I give kudos to her for atleast communicating. But she needs to be more open about the pain you cause in the past. And yes as time goes on she will see you have changed. You might not have to follow plan A but go by it. Show her how special she is...Not so much showing up at her door but do things like leave a flower at her door step when she comes home she will find it. Go on dates and find what you guys had over 8yrs ago. Do the EN questionair. What EN are you not meeting for her????

I asked if she'd fill out the questionnaires (EN and LB) and she said she would. I haven't explained them to her. Right now she doesn't let me fill any of her EN. I guess you could say financial needs but barely and she's opening up her own account so that will be ending soon. When we meet she allows me to hug her but she has quit letting me kiss her on the lips and has now resorted to turning her face away so I only kiss her cheek. She says it's awkward and she's uncomfortable.

She does not want to work on the marriage. She says she tried for 8 years. She's tired. She doesn't want to be married anymore. She has no hope. She does have some guilt and doesn't want to be the failure in the marriage. I can't figure out if she is in withdrawal or in conflict mode. Sometimes it seems like both. Intimacy seems so far out of reach I don't even think about it.