7 1/2 years of dating, I went through ups and downs in my husband's business. In 2003, after 5 years of dating, he made a very successful deal. Now in 2007 he has 3 businesses, and they are money makers. He was a commitment phobic for years and finally married me in 2006. He gave me a prenup separating our finances forever. Which means I would never have access to his money and I will never accumulate any assets during the marriage, except what is considered not related to his business, like our house. I know for sure he will never buy anything that is not business related (like a second house or beach house) because that would be marital property.
I signed it because I wanted to marry him. I did go to 3 lawyers and none of them said it was bad, because these lawyers LOVE prenups so they can make money.
I do resent not sharing any of my husband's success-I make a moderate income in my job. I work full time, and I cannot quit even though my husband is a millionaire or I will have no savings for the future-nor any income, since we have NO joint accounts. He does pay for our mortgage and food and SOME bills (I pay for my personal bills, like my car).
He owns a car dealership and he won't even let me buy a car from him at cost-with no profit! He also works non-stop and I see very little of him. I don't feel as supportive becasue he is working to make himself rich, not us!
Am I being unfair? Am I being greedy? I am not that kind of person, being raised in a good family with high morals, loving parents who are still married and who always shared everything. Tye kind of marriage he wanted doens't sit well with me. If I want to do anything, I must ask him-like a trip, and depend on his goodwill. We never even had a honeymoon because he is so busy builing his empire. I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking to have a honeymoon!!
This is wearing me out. If I leave him I will be in a terrible financial spot, since I support a daughter in college and another one is going soon, and have little help from my ex-husband.
If I waited 5 1/2 more years younger daughter will have graduated from college and I will be able to support myself-no more responsabilities with children.
I just don't know if I can stand this unequal marriage for 5 1/2 more years.

Does the pre-nup spell out what bills you pay, and what bills he pays?

If you are asking how the pre-nup will affect you if you divorce him, three lawyers have already given you the answer.

In MB terms, it sounds like you have a need for financial support that is not being met. Have you and your husband agreed on a budget?

And frankly this part -

sounds very odd. He wants to sell you a car?

I'm just some schmuck on a messageboard, but there is something going on between the two of you. And you mention -

It sounds, at least to me, very much like you are planning a future that does not include your husband. Is that the case? If so, it is possible that there is a vicious circle going here - your husband doesn't want to give you any money because he thinks you are getting ready to leave him, and you are getting ready to leave him because he won't give you any money.

I have only your post to go by, but you don't sound much like a gold digger to me. And the financial "arrangement" you and your husband have does not seem (to say the least) to be working. Is it possible for you to re-negotiate, not the pre-nuptial agreement - that is a done deal - but your current financial relation?

I hesitate to say that he should be supporting you in the manner to which you would like to become accustomed, especially since his wealth seems to be rather recently acquired, but your expectations and his are clearly not in sync.

How was he while you were dating? I don't how else to put it, but did he seem to be a cheapskate and a workaholic then?

I'm guessing this is not the first marriage for him, either. Which leads me to ask, how sure are you that he has as much money as you say? He may own several businesses, and still be leveraged to the eyebrows. If that is the case, he may be working all the hours you say to keep the businesses solvent. And even though it may be unfair, your husband may see even reasonable requests from you for some kind of financial support as yet another demand on him, when he is already stretched. If you see what I mean.

The bottom line is that I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I have no idea what your husband's take on the situation might be.

You need to work out a new budget, at least, and in a way that reassures your husband that you are not planning on leaving, and taking him to the cleaners.

Regards,
rs0522

How are taxes prepared? Jointly or separately? If he benefits from having you as a deduction, and the college expenses you pay, he might be reducing his taxable income while any refund you would be getting is offseting his taxes owed. Just something to consider...

Why did you agree to this prenup? What has changed that one year ago was ok, and now you resent?

I think you may have to start living under your means to acquire your own wealth, if he is going to be like that, as I predict issues regarding retirement.

Maybe it's the people I know, but around here the menfold often occompany their wives when buying a car. As you have no financial motivation to buy from DH's business, look for a car elsewhere. You may get a better deal, and be sure to ask DH to come with you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> If he's not going to help you in his own business, maybe the thought of being seen shopping at other dealerships will change his mind. It may not convince him, but it doesn't hurt to ask...

I just want to make sure I understand... Do you NEED a new car, or do you feel because your DH is doing well, you are ENTITLED to a new car?

I sympathize. I signed a pre-nup and had resentment about it throughout because it turned into more of a wedge I never predicted. I have a full time job and save, watch my spending carefully etc. "I am responsible for my own self" is a big value of mine.

I signed it because I was pregnant and had no expectations to gain anything financially from him that was his PRIOR to the marriage but did not realize at the time I signed it that AFTER we were married, he would contribute to NOTHING in the household except 50% of the utilities, groceries and a portion of the real estate taxes. The living arrangements were NOT in the pre-nup except that we would not file joint taxes and it was never the intent to have community assets. This is the stuff I began to open my eyes about.

If I wanted a house, I paid the mortgage. WHy did we have to move he asked since he owned his townhouse outright? Uh, not enough space and a kid sleeping in a dining room and my stuff in storage was not acceptable. If I wanted a new car, I bought it. The resentment came from the fact he would never jointly save "with" me, participate in any of the things that I bought to furnish or improve the house I bought but that we both lived in, etc. It became more business like than a marriage.

I had to literally furnish a monthly statement to him for his half of the groceries and utilities before he would pay me. And then, he would question, why did I buy that kind of juice when there's another one cheaper. This made me feel slimy.

Like your H, my Ex-H worked very long hours and every dime he made went to improving his own wealth, not "ours". We wouldn't take trips together because he would never take the time off of his work. This all contributed to the resentment too. I would tell him, I don't want his money, I want his time. He could never be gracious with it in either direction. If I had to guess, your husband's commitment phobia before your marriage goes hand in hand with his phobia about letting you in financially.

Anyway, it boils down to I think he was badly screwed at one point or another financially and he trusts very little. Maybe your husband has had a similar experience? I always thought with time, my ex would learn to trust me and realize I wasn't a money grubber, but the day never came and we had other serious issues so I got out as fast as I could. The money control issue was just a parallel to other personality traits that weren't attractive in a spouse.

I am just pained reading your post because it is so familiar and unfortunately, it does boil down to control IMO. If you can, you need to take control of your own finances, slowly but surely. Your college aged children are just that and perhaps there's grants available.

Its a shame that money comes between a relationship, but some people have serious security issues with it (miser or otherwise). If you realize that financial security is a big emotional need for you and he fails to meet it, then you know where that is headed...love busting.

Sit down with him and see if you can forge a new agreement regarding the marital finances. Good luck

Ninive, I can't believe what I am reading. It is obvious that he loves money more then he loves you. Why are you with him?