2x4's please.

So quick background. About 7 months ago before my FWW agreed to POJA she insisted on moving into an apartment I didn't want to move into.

I agreed begrudgingly. Now we have to move for all the reasons I pointed out before we moved in.

In the past I took on part of the responsibility for helping bail her out of decsions she has insisted on.

This time I did not. I got very upset that we have to move and let her know in no uncertain terms. All of the problems we are having I had forseen and pointed out and she said they would be fine.

Now she wants to move. So I told her fine but I am not helping with the logistics this time. I did it mostly myself last time and I am leaving it up to her.

I want her to deal with the consequences of her decision. I am feeling a little guilty by quite frankly I feel like I shouldn't help.

Since we have been married I have fixed everything and I want her to see what it is like when you make a decesion that is not a good one.

Am I being a jerk about this?

Yes. You are being a jerk.

You want to be making LB DEPOSITS not withdrawals 3 months into recovery.....

I don't see a jerk posting. How else is she suppose to learn?

L.

Well IMO 3 months into recovery is not the time to be being bloody minded. I don't see a jerk either - he isn't.

well I don't see a jerk but I do see an opportunity.

OK first NO ONE made you agree to move where you are now, yes you pointed out the likely outcomes but in the end YOU agreed.
So is your w now responsible for your decisions? Are you responsible for hers? no.
Is the problem here that you didn't POJA the previous move properly ?? no matter, so this time get it right.

I see no problem in letting her learn the logistics in moving, I learnt the hard way as we moved from post to post. good skill to learn and ALSO to learn to appreciate when its done for you.
But I would deposit into her LB by also advising, NOT LECTURING, and also spending the time to take her through where, what and how of all the move,EVEN if it takes twice as long. DON"T do it for her, do it WITH her.
She will learn AND lets hope appreciate you more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

just my 2 c <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are very wise aussieswife. You must be an Aussie.

LOL
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AW & BK speak wisely.....listen and learn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you guys.

AW we didn't POJA it. We are getting really good at POJA now but back then we didn't.

The problem with POJA on this one before was we had to move they were remodelling.

I gave up trying to POJA, my fault, I did tell her though that if it didn't work out she would take ownership.

It didn't. BTW she is the one pressing to move.

So I am too busy to really help. Heck I am out of town right now on business and we move next friday. So it is on her.

I really want her to see what it was like for me. I always took ownership of my bad decesions so it didn't imapct any one else as much as I could.

That is what I expect her to do now. I packed and arranged a move 7 months ago she can do this one.

well you are faced with some choices....

and I agree with aussie..you agreed..period...you are not a victim....

so the reality is she already is going to have to do the greatest work in this due to your job...

so your choices are to sit back and say.... naaa naaa naaa naa...

Or

to look at the bigger picture of being a team...lightening her load...

why not do something COMPLETELY unexpected...

as Monty Python would say...
in their best announcer guy voice...

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT...

Have flowers delivered to the 'new' place...
or something else to "
christian the new crib....
bottle of bubbly...


ORrrrrr

you can punish her
draw lines in the sand....
make her feel like a child..

and sing song I told you so......

or you can come beside her and guide her...

I know what I would want...as I continue to fail in certain arenas of life...be stronger in others...

good thing my spouse is willing to balance and not educate....

especially when the learning curve isn't even turned on...

its your choice though....

ARKie...building bigger better marriages...

IMVHO...

Having once upon a time been married to a H who absolutely insisted on making disastrous decisions, which plunged us (me and daughters) into some very dire consequences, my advice would be to allow her to experience the consequences of her choice.

It is not loving to repeatedly shield (coddle) a person from the naturally ocurring consequences of their choices.

Besides, it has been my experience that allowing this much control doesn't necessarily lead the controller to acknowledge your flexibility, let alone give you credit for your grace/patience in dealing with the resultant problems.
(I don't know how many times I bit my tongue instead of saying "I told you so" only to find out he was secretly telling others the decision and resultant problems were all my fault!)

I think it would be a very good idea to use this experience (without lecturing) as an example of how/why POJA should be employed in the future. If she still insists on doing things her way, disregarding your concerns, you might try informing her that you will concede only to the extent she agrees to take responsibility for her choices AND the consequences.

Also, it might be helpful to discuss whether she has some decision-making or control issues? My ex seemed incapable of having a calm pros vs cons discussion before making decisions. No matter how/when/where, attempting to discuss any decision with him was viewed as me trying to control or interfere with him. What was modeled to her in her parents' marriage? For example, if her father ran the show minus any feedback from or concern for her mother, then she might be afraid you will boss her around if she allows you any decision-making participation. Or conversely, if her mother always got her way, then she might not 'feel like' a woman/wife unless she can boss a man around...