I want to start an encouragement string...those of us with good w/d stories can encourage those in w/d and doing poorly to keep it up.<P>Maybe we can do an email string...to those who's stories closely resemble ours, tho i think we're all pretty similar.<P>I'm currently in withdrawal, but doing much better and so much more in love w/H than I could ever have been with OM. Still hurts though. <P>Here's some things to get us started:<P>1. Do you think it's better to have the affair end on a BAD note? A fight? Harsh words?<P>2. Can you still be friends?<P>3. Are you afraid when your spouse goes to touch you that they're just picturing you and OP?<P>4. What specifically do you miss about the OP? (this one may not be a good one to answer if you're in W/D, but I thought I'd throw it in there)<P>For those that don't know me, I'll post my story too.<P>Thanks<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Hey Sad4Now,<P>I'm still in withdrawal big time, but I'll take a stab at your questions anyhow...<P>1. Yes I definitely think things would be easier if I had ended it on a bad note. We didn't. I still remember the OW with a tremendous amount of fondness... If I was angry with her or hated her, I think I'd already be over it. Dang, why couldn't she have been a b**ch?! <P>2. No I definitely CANNOT be friends with her. The pain of looking at her and wondering what might've been would be just too much to handle. We actually tried going that route before I broke off contact completely, and I couldn't handle it at all.<P>3. My affair was an emotional one and the OW and I never touched each other, so I don't worry about that.<P>4. What do I miss? Yeah that ain't a good question to ask... I'm not answering that one. I know full well what I miss, but I'm not bringing that up here. Too much pain.<P>--airheart<P>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 17, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 17, 1999).]

Withdrawal is tough. What is tougher for me, however, is dealing with who I have become and what I have done to my husband.<P>Here are my answers to your questions.<P>1. End the affair badly? I'm glad I didn't. In the final analysis I would feel wretched about that as well.<P>2. No, we, absolutely, cannot be friends. I love him. We were way too intimate to be friends. If I had contact with him again, I would fall back into my old patterns with him. The only way to make this separation work is to decide, in my mind, that I will never, ever have any type of contact with him again.<P>3. I am sure the OP will be thought of in some contexts more than others. This I am not afraid of. It is something we will deal with.<P>4. What do I miss? Many, many things. One of the main ones is the way I saw myself when I was with him. I am going to try to get these things from my own marriage.

Still feeling withdrawl, but I will answer your questions anyway...<P>1. It might have been a little easier to end on a bad note, but it didn't and I can't change that. I couldn't have faked it ending on a bad note just to make myself feel better.<P>2. I would love to be friends...he was a good friend before the affair began. However, it's impossible and it hurts tremendously losing such a good friend. If I could change everything I would have never stepped over the line with him so that I could still have his friendship.<P>3. I'm not afraid of my husband picturing us together. My husband has handled the whole thing very well. What I'm afraid of is me picturing us together.<P>4. So many things that I just shouldn't think about.<P>P.S. I'm doing better with the withdrawl, however I will be at my old job (where he works) in 3 weeks and I know I will be running into him. I'm afraid the beginnings of withdrawl be start all over again. <P>I guess I should avoid the office altogether, but I just moved 800 miles away and would really like to see some of my other friends at my old job.<P>Maybe if I just see him and don't speak to him the old feelings won't come rushing back.

Holly... yeah they will. <P>Can't you just call your friends and have lunch or something?<P>--airheart

It's been just about a year for me, since the affair 'officially' had to end (ie, I moved away!) and I still feel pangs of withdrawal when something reminds me of OM. <P>1. I wish it had ended on a bad note, I think. I don't know, but it probably would have been easier to hate than to miss...<P>2. We tried many times over a long period to end our affair and be 'just friends'. Absolutely impossible- only a clean break and a sever of all ties can work.<P>3. I also worry about me picturing myself with OM more than my H picturing us. I actually wish my H were more open to talking about his pain in this dept. - he prefers to forgive and forget.<P>4. Things I miss about OM are too numerous to list, but uppermost is the way he made me feel about myself and the electricity we felt when near one another. <P>Holly,<P>I too recently visited my old hometown and had decided to visit some old friends at work. But on the way there, I caught myself thinking "I wonder if I'll see OM... I won't purposely look for him, but maybe..." Anyway, those thoughts were a red flag that I should NOT go into that building. And now I'm glad that I did not. A whole year of growth would have been erased with one glimpse, I'm sure of it.

I guess I could (and should) avoid the office. I've already planned to meet with some of my friends from work for happy hour. <BR>Part of me really wants to "run into" him, but I know it's not a good idea. I think either way, just being with people from work will bring up memories of the OM. <P>I almost feel that this is the last chance I will ever be able to see him again...and I want to see him one last time so badly! If I know what's good for me I won't step foot in the office...hopefully my strong feelings will change in 3 weeks!

Well I'm one of the few that didn't choose to withdraw. I left my husband for the om. However, when our affair was first discovered his wife begged him to try and work on their marriage and see a counselor. I encouraged this because I didn't want him to leave and then have regrets later and I stopped contact with him for a couple of months. At that time I had also decided that I didn't want my husband even if the om was not there so I was dealing with divorce and hurting for the OM. I remember hurting more over the OM then I was walking away from an 11 year marriage. It makes you a person you normally are not. The level headed clear thinking person I was went right out the window. Your consumed with pain.

To answer your questions:<P>1. Do you think it's better to have the affair end on a BAD note? A fight? Harsh words?<P>We ended on a good note, but to REALLY end it I had to be mean. I work with the OM, see him 5 days a week. Nice wasn't cutting it. He "fell in love with my personality" so I had to take that away. I know it sounds cruel, but I couldn't get him to leave me alone otherwise.<P>2. Can you still be friends?<P>No. We can be cordial, but not friends.<P>3. Are you afraid when your spouse goes to touch you that they're just picturing you and OP?<P>My H has said as much... very hurtful to both of us.<P>4. What specifically do you miss about the OP? (this one may not be a good one to answer if you're in W/D, but I thought I'd throw it in there)<P>I miss being able to talk, more than anything else. Yeah, the physical (although "it" only happened once) was nice, but it was his face, his voice as he listened to me and really talked to me. Communication, that's what I miss. We were friends first, and I blew that when it went too far.<P>I don't know if this helps or hurts to share. I'm kinda at the point of numbness, so I don't feel too much writing it down. It's been 3 months since it's been over, which is about as long as the dang thing lasted in the first place, so I'm definately heading out of W/D. Not much left here. If only I didn't have to look at the guy daily... that would speed the process right along. Oh well!

I'm interested in the fact that a few of you are saying that the thing you miss most is the way you felt about yourself. I haven't really thought about that much till now, but I think this is also true of me as well.<P>When I was with the OW, she made me feel attractive again. I've always been a pretty confident person my entire life, but things at work got me doubting myself, plus the added poundage of age started making me feel unattractive. Then this very attractive woman not only told me that I was great person, but "a very handsome man" (her words)... wow! what a rush. I never in a million years thought that I'd be the type of guy that would attract someone like her.<P>As a result, I now feel more confident about myself. Both about my looks and my abilities. So how can I take advantage of this in my marriage... that's the $64,000 question. <P>--airheart

I am officially 5 months into withdrawal, however the affair ended last fall. But I contacted him in April .... so technically I start from there.<P>1. When we first parted it was on "friendly" terms. But that made withdrawal awful ... in April I found out alot about what he's been "doing" (as in 2 more women since me and he's still married) and I realized I had been used .... now I hate him. That has helped withdrawal and recovery with my H.<P>2. We can absolutely NOT be friends. Even though I hate him, just the sight of him again would cause me to crumble. I am not strong enough to handle any type of contact without having the feelings flood back. I love him. No, I hate him. No, I love him. Crap.<P>3. Yes, I do wonder if H is thinking about what happened with the OM. But it upsets me MORE that the OM gets into my brain during those times.<P>4. I miss the "high" of the fantasy relationship we had. I miss the romantic feelings ... the newness of a relationship. I was able to talk to him about anything, trusted him above all others. I miss how he made me feel. I miss the "dreams" we shared -- altho they could never have been reality ... we were both dreamers.<P>Oh boy. I didn't need to re-live all that. Deep breaths, Maya.

1. <p>[This message has been edited by Bonny (edited March 10, 2000).]

My turn! <P>1. Do you think it's better to have the affair end on a BAD note? A fight? Harsh words?<P>Right before we split, I started to feel like he had used me, and I didn't like that at all. The more lies I saw, the angrier I became. So, our affair DID end on a very bad note, and that has helped my withdrawal TREMENDOUSLY!! I highly recommend this kind of parting for people who really want to limit withdrawal and who want to rebuild with their spouse. It's very hard to "miss" someone whom you can no longer stand. <P>2. Can you still be friends?<P>Heck no! Nor do I WANT to be friends with him. Just hearing the sound of my voice would make me cringe. And I think if I saw him I might be tempted to cause some bodily harm. I've had fantasies------ well, never mind. Let's just say, for both our sakes, it's best we NEVER see each other again.<P>3. Are you afraid when your spouse goes to touch you that they're just picturing you and OP?<P>No. My H touches me too much for that to be a consideration. I'm sure he thinks about it from time to time, but mostly when we're not together. When he's with me, he thinks only about me and him.<P>4. What specifically do you miss about the OP? (this one may not be a good one to answer if you're in W/D, but I thought I'd throw it in there)<P>Truthfully, I don't miss ANYTHING about him, and you know why? Because pretty much everything was a lie anyway, so why would I miss that. What I am most angry about is that I lowered myself to that level in order to get what I "needed." I hate that I thought that was all I was worthy of. I'm worth so much more than that, and it pains me that I lacked self esteem so much as to allow myself to be in that situation. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. But I'm smarter now! <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Maya...you always make me laugh.. 'CRAP!'<BR>hey will you shoot me an e-mail...I upgraded my software and lost all my old mail and addresses...thx woman...<P><BR>Hi all.<P>I haven't written as much lately as I used too. Just not sure what I can add these days. I am 7 months from when I told my H what had happened...about a week since the last time I ran into OM at the store. (No words exchanged, just a smile to acknowledge the others existance on the planet I think...)<P>1. It ended on a kind of a bad note. OM had no idea I was going to tell my H. I didn't either really, it just hit me that it needed to be over. I felt like God was saying to me 'this will go no further'..anyway the first OM heard of it was from my H. He went to see him w/out me knowing. I have always wished I could have handled telling him it was over, but maybe it was quite obvious I needed some help. It was hugely painful to end it badly. Om went nuts, not because he 'loved' me. (told me he didn't) but because he was put on the spot I think. <P>I had thought maybe it would have been better the other way, to end on a good note, but I'm not hearing that from you guys...<P>2. No can't be friends. Had my chance for that - it's gone. What makes me sad about that is the simply that it reflects on the kind of person I really am. Not a true friend or worse yet not a faithful wife.<P>3. I worry that my H thinks about that. He nevers says though so I hope not... I still wish he would talk more...when I bring it up I still feel like I am torchering him...<P>4. I think for me it's the 'high'...I must have been feeling low before it all (I remember sharing that with my H about two years ago -hopelessness/depression). Now we are trying to get those needs met...His needs are hard for me to pinpoint - he has told me a few like domestic support (if home is organized, his crazy work life is more tollerable - he helps too) , sex - fine there - and affirmation I'm guess on that one (I try to tell him I am proud of him and try to be encouraging) ...anyway, for me mostly conversation, attention is what I feel I was missing...still sometimes feel like I am a low priority though..<P><BR>Thanks for sharing your stories guys...<p>[This message has been edited by rjr #2 (edited August 17, 1999).]

Hi everybody<P>It's been about three months since the OW and I ended our relationship. We saw each other for about nine months, and recently we just drifted apart. <P>My opinion is as follows....<P>1. It depends upon the situation. In my case our affair ended on a good note. We mutually agreed to end our relationship. <P>2. We are still friends. We work for the same company, but in different departments. I stop by her office about once a week to say hello. Our contact with each other is only at work. I still miss her touch and embrace and the closeness we shared, but I'm starting to lose that "feeling of love," so it doesn't bother me much to be around her. But we can still laugh and talk with each other. <P>3. Right now my spouse doesn't know.<P>4. What I miss most is the closeness we had with each other. We could talk to each other about anything, share our deepest secrets and desires. I really miss the conversations we used to have, how good she made me feel, the intimate times, snuggling in front of the fireplace, etc. We had some great times together.