TW,
Welcome to MB...check out all the forums, including Pre-Marriage and The Early Years.
Interesting post...at first read, it seems that learning good communication skills is really important...I think that's a given, most of the time.
Next read, I found a loop here...you both had an issue you saw differently...and then you impose yourself on him, calling it a time to just agree to disagree...which is a repair attempt you made...only then, when he just stood there limp and didn't do what you wanted, you snatched it back, bring up the judgment of christian manner...which was your take, from your perception...which negates what you just said...it's okay to see things differently, unless it's not your way.
In relationships, we are half...that's the most we can be...half of a relationship, and the least. Doesn't waver. When you focus on your part, finding what is your part, you stop feeling rejection, being blamed.
Offense and blame have to be taken...we can't put them on others without their permission. Your BF has hurt and you didn't honor that...any more than he honored your pain.
Only you can change you...learn great communication skills from respect...listen and repeat...asking for clarification or confirmation before you respond...checking your own self to see through your filter, you heard what he was really saying.
That's your part. What you control. The only control you have is over you...and I think it's an awesome sign you're hear, looking for answers...to how relationships thrive.
Removing blame from relationships is a powerful stand in reality. He does, you do...that is what it is...your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, perceptions and perspective is your own...valid. Pushing your stuff on him, or taking his same stuff onto yourself is where enmeshment comes from...the urge to say, "Let's make up and get over this" instead of owning, "I want to make up and get over this morning. I felt attacked and I attacked back. I am angry at myself right now for not living up to my standards. I cherish you."
Stating your truth eliminates the battle for The Truth. Our stuff is our truth...his truth is valid, as well. It's his. The Truth comes from actions...for instance, "You slammed the door" and he says, "I did not slam the door." The Truth is that the door is closed now.
So when you say, "Neither of us is wrong...we believe differently. I respect your beliefs as your own" and then you say, "We were both wrong" you are hitting conflict, creating it, because you are deciding what only each of you decides for themselves.
APF makes a great point...first, be aware of conflict...your own stuff...your feelings. Know when you're reacting defensively, and state it..."Right now, I'm flooded with a lot of feelings and feel defensive. Can we talk about this at 6pm tonight?"
Helping yourself get your part, loving and honestly, helps your future marriage right now. Knowing your stuff and sharing it IS intimacy. Your choice. You can do this. We aren't reared with these skills...FOO (family of origin) is reactive and enmeshed...learning to partner and not parent is what we aim for...you're not bad, defective or wrong...you're reactive. So is he--you can learn together how to partner from respect and love.
We all gotta learn...been there, did what you did...and didn't realize I had a choice to do differently.
You do. Focus on you, find your part, and a tenet that really helped me to get clarity is...strive first to understand, then be understood.
Welcome.
LA
