Just implemented Plan B on 2/3/07 after being in Plan A for 6 months. My DS was sick last night and I had to notify WS that he couldn't go to school the next morning. I called hoping to leave a message but he answered. Explained that DS was sick and could not go to school. It was his day to have the children so I contacted him to pick him up. WH came home to pick up son and told me he was looking for another job. My question is did I mess up my plan B? What about contact about the children? We have homework issues, practices, and games to plan sometimes. I have always attended my sons games and practices so I don't want to stop now but how do I handle such situations? Just not attend, or go and respectfully so hello and mind my own business? Any advice?

Do you have an intermediary whom will handle these types of communications for you?

You have established a boundary and you just need to enforce it... it sucks to see the WS but you have to do what you have to do. You just need to look through them. It might see petty and childish but if he sits next to you you move, if he talks to you, you have a prepared and short statement....

WS, please respect my wish's to have no contact with you until you impliment those items described in my letter.

Then politely dismiss yourself.... you can be strong!

Should I just not attend the games or practices? Or should I attend say Hello and carry myself as a classy, confident, and in control, then continue to talk with the other parents. The other option is to come right after the practices/games start then leave right before they are over and avoid any one on one contact. What do all the experts say?

Never change your plans for the WS if anything he shouldn't attend!

You shouldn't say hello, if you have friends there explain to them that this is to protect your heart and that your not a accomplice in allowing your WS to be an adulter.

You just need to enforce your boundaries

And know that he will tempt those boundaries every chance he gets, Plan B gets under their skin.

When he calls the children at night he alwasys tells them to say goodnight to mom for me and tell her to have a good night. Do they do this as well? Why? Does he not take me seriously, or is he thinking about what is happening and is feeling some sadness/remorse.

WH called this morning saying DS still sick. Advised to have him stay home. I'm finding Plan B difficult when I am trying to do whats best for the kids. I have an appt w/Steve on Friday to discuss. Anyone else had this problem and what did you do?

Ani, you should work all this out beforehand by setting up a visitation schedule and designating an intermediary. You should avoid attending practices and games where you would see him. Did you send him a Plan B letter?

Ani, I am walking this fine line as well in regards to contact...I have been in plan B for about a week 1/2. I still need to have conversations with my WS regarding kids and scheduling...I am in a gay relationship so we are not able to have an LSA, but have you done that??? any contact in plan B will be 'sticky' for lack of a better word.

I have been straight to the point as far as the topic of discussion, then I get off the phone as quickly as possible. it is not easy and every time we have some kink's to work out she always slips in a comment about reconciliation(what if?...type questions), yet OP is still in the picture, then she asks to go out on dates and such. I have had a great deal of push back from her. It is hard to stay strong. she always seems to forget the fact that she has a girlfriend.

It has gotten a bit easier for me as I have some pat responses prepared for any questions she may ask, and she has called me all the names....you are being childish, ridiculous, petty....we have to have a R "for the children's sake" type of stuff. those WS's get so resourceful when they are trying to control us.

I do have to say, that even though my plan B is not as dark as it should be, It is making my WS crazy. keep on trying it will get better and you will find a way to make it work. just remember to keep your guard way up when they are around, it easy to get drawn back in.

Ani,

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOURSELF and your remaining love for your WS. A good Plan B needs careful consideration / preparation before implementing.

Some very important things to consider:

Plan B letter: This letter basically states that there is to be no contact whatsoever between you & WS until such a time as conditions YOU state are met (i.e. No Contact with OP, Willingness to work on marriage, marital counseling, etc…). The plan B letter is a “roadmap” to the WS on what YOU need to consider reconciliation

If you’re not sure if you’ve written a good plan B letter, post it. We’ll give you some suggestions / critic. A good rule of thumb with plan B letters: The shorter and more to the point the better.


Intermediary: As you’ve already noticed, any contact with the fogged out WS is caustic and ends up withdrawing units from your LB. The simple solution to this is to not have contact.

That is where the intermediary comes in. The intermediary is the person that your WS has to contact to get a message to you. The job of the intermediary is to pass messages directly from WS to you & from you to WS. The intermediary is NOT to interpret the communications in any way and simply pass the message back and forth.

Do NOT accept direct communications from the WS (phone, email, text messages, direct conversation, etc…) as this breaks plan B and allows WS to get his “family” fix.

If WS phones (make sure you have caller ID) or and unrecognized number comes across, let it go to voicemail. If the VM is from WS delete it. If you pick up the phone and WS is on the other end, Hang UP!

If WS emails: Delete it! A better alternative to this is to block his incoming emails. You can do this various ways depending on the email system you use. Let us know if you need help blocking these. Someone on the board will likely know how to block whatever system you are using.

If WS text messages: Delete it!

Direct Conversation: Turn your back and walk to a supportive group and / or leave.

If you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?” If no, hang up / leave.


Visitation: It is best to have a visitation schedule set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary. It is usually best to send the kids to the waiting car and upon return have the kids come to the house from the car. I do not recommend allowing the WS in the home. They tend to leave little “surprises” for you to find later.

Make sure that they know that they are not welcome inside your home until the conditions outlined in your letter are met. If the WS comes in anyway, go to another room and shut the door. Again; if you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?”


Finances: It is best to have this set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary.


Family Relations: State your desire that you do not wish to hear any “news” about your WS. Let them know what it going on and what the intent of your plan is. Thank them for their support.


Plan B tends to drive a WS nuts! They can no longer get their “good normal family” fix. They will try very hard to break your plan b and get back to “cake eating”. Do not let this happen! Give the WS a little preview of what it will be like to actually “lose” his family.

It is not to late to get a good plan b going. Post back with any questions.

Stay Strong!

That was perfect advice, WTF.

In order for Plan B to be effective, all contact must be ended. ALL. It defeats the purpose of Plan B to stay in contact and allows the WS to pretend like he/she is playing happy co-parenting parent. It also keeps the BS in a state of turmoil and grief with the constant contact.

Many people with small children execute perfect Plan Bs with just a little careful planning. There is absolulely NO REASON why a person can't go completely dark in Plan B, unless they have a newborn. Folks here do it every day with no problem.

Secondly, only CRITICAL contact should be passed on through the intermediary. Messages like "send Sallys pink shoes" is not critical information and should be ignored.

I did send a Plan B letter. I have an intermediary lined up. I thought I had everything covered until my son got sick. It was very early and I wanted WH to care for him since it was his day. WH had to call off work for two days now and has a proposal due monday. Also, he has the children this weekend so he will find it difficult to work this weekend as well. Just a dose of reality. Is my Plan B hopeless now? Or can I get back on track?

Thanks for your reply. I don't know if WH wants to work on our marriage. He says things like "I don't think I want a divorce, I can't imagine living without you, I'm looking for another job, I told you that the I ended the A, but until I find another job there will have to be at least business contact. He went to a counselor a few times and never went back. I asked him if we could be "in love" again would he come home. He replied yes. He's afraid it will go back to the way it was. "Do you think we can get that feeling back"? He confuses me. Yet, he won't move home and try to reconcile. He said he would make an appt with MB. I have my 2nd appt tomorrow. The only time he seemed to try to do anything with regards to our marriage was when he thought some other man was interested in me. Wasn't the case only in his mind.

Ami,

No, it is not too late to get a good plan b going.

You need to get your intermediary to contact WS and remind him of the plan B letter. This next part is for YOU. This will be difficult, so prepare, get your heart and mind in sync. YOU MUST NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS ATTEMPTS AT CONTACT!

As soon as your intermediary informs WS of the renewed plan B WS will start trying to contact you to get you to break your plan B. You can count on this! Again: YOU MUST NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS ATTEMPTS AT CONTACT! WS will make up / create all sorts of emergencies to attempt to contact you directly. You must force him to go through your intermediary to get any response.

If you fail to do this then he will simply ignore your plan B letter as WS now knows that you will cave in on your boundaries. You do NOT want this to happen.

Remember: No contact except through intermediary.



These are the types of communications that your intermediary needs to pass on for you. Next time, have your intermediary pass this info on. NO DIRECT CONTACT UNTIL THE CONDITIONS OF YOUR LETTER ARE FULFILLED.



Exactly....

We don't want to shield him from the consequences of his actions. Feeling the effects and inconviences of being a single parent will help to burn some of that fog away. It's a good thing.



Typical fog speak! Give it all the consideration that it is due. NONE!

These conversations can and do wear you down and erode what units are left in your love bank. Get into plan B and there will be no move draining conversations with the WS. Plan B will give YOU peace so you can heal.



Words are cheap and easy. What you need to see is real action. If he gets some good counseling he will have to forward the message through your intermediary.



That's a very typical double standard. Isn't it amazing how it's wrong on your part but not on theirs? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Now if you want to play mind games with WS. On a night when the WS is to get the COM. Get yourself dressed to the 9's and then send the COM to WS.

While in plan B the WS is reduced to questioning the COM to find out what the BS is up to. The COM will dutifully respond that BS is dressed very nice. That will get the WS wonder what you are up to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You get to enjoy either a night out by yourself or just stay at home and watch a good movie in peace and quiet. WS will get to the spend the night twisting himself inside out wondering what you are up to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Another important aspect of plan B is the transference of Power. Once you are comfortably in plan B power over your life shifts back to YOU. You no longer have to worry about what the WS will think of this or that. You are back in control of your own life.

BTW: This shift in power really bothers the WS. They begin to wonder if they really might loose you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />