Hello All,

My story : I had an extra Marital affair which lasted for 10 months until her husband found out about it. We both agree we did something wrong and have just met twice and may be spoken a dozen times since then. I am married for 10 years and have 2 kids and she too is married for 13 years and has 2 kids.

She finally took the step and stopped retuning my calls and I think she did a wise thing.I just didn't have control over my self to stop what was going on and I really appreciate and thank god for that, BUT ...
I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. I am DEPRESSED all the time,I don't enjoy any activity or any sport or anything .My only aim in life right now is to stop thinking about her.

We were friends so we do happen to meet in a social gatherings. That makes things worse for me and I am sure still worse for her husband.My wife does not know about it . I have thought many a times to tell her but decided against it.

All I need is to forget my ex,look into the future ,do some mediation (not started yet) but STOP THINKING ABOUT HER...and get over this damn depression and reach such a stage where if I get a call from her ,I can say NO to her.

Any advise is welcome and once again I am sorry for what has happened.Also I feel I have to avoid the get togethers and avoid any contact with her but is very difficult since we have common friends.

You will have to tell your wife what you did. NO other way around it.

This OW was filling some of your needs - what ever they are. You miss those feelings and you have needs - right?

Why can't your wife fill those needs instead of OW? I bet she can. She did at one time right? She WILL NOT be able to meet those needs of yours until you:

1. tell her what you did with OW
2. let your wife know what your needs are. look over to the right of this page and you will see the Emotional Needs Questionnaire

You know what -

My wife had an EA for about a year. I found out and called OHW. She knew about it and we met for lunch one day.

I told her about this site and how I would have to make changes (Plan A) and so on. She never did come here or bettered herself, she only bitshed him out and blamed him for all of the problems, not just the EA.

My wife and I are doing good and she is in love with me again. We have heard that her OM thought about killing himself, depresed all the time, misses my wife, can't live without her. His life sucks and you know what - I DON'T GIVE A CHIT. The only reason I don't hope he dies is b/c he has 2 kids.

Your choice here. You can work on your M like my wife and I did or you can pine your life away for her.

THIS WILL NOT WORK!!! Your wife MUST be told!!! You have been making decisions FOR her that affect HER life...How is that fair? And yes, she may choose to divorce you over it, but that is HER right...It is very cruel to keep your VICTIM, and that is what she is, in the dark...

Please don't come back and tell me that "I don't want to hurt her"...YOU ALREADY DID THAT...The solution to adultery is NOT more lies, but TRUTH...

Further, do you understand that you rob both of you by keeping this dirty little secret? You will NEVER be able to have the intimacy in this marriage that marriage was intended to provide as long as there is not radical honesty...YOU MUST TELL HER...

The longer you keep her in the dark, the further you victimize her...Tell her and then bring her here to allow her to get the support and help that she will most definitely need...

You must also commit to having NO CONTACT with the OW for LIFE...And that means that extraordinary measures must be taken to insure this...Please understand that affairs are addictions...As long as you see the OW, you will not fully withdraw from her and recovery of your marriage will NOT begin, should that be your wife's choice once you tell her...

What you must understand about the nature of this addiction is that you will FOREVER remain vunerable to this OW, which is the reason that NO CONTACT FOR LIFE MUST BE PUT INTO PLACE...Dr. Harley says that there will forever be a low flame that burns for the OP and can be reignited at anytime, therefore, NO CONTACT is essential...

You are in early stages of withdrawal right now, and it WILL pass as long as NO CONTACT is put into place...Antidepressants can also help move you forward in this process...But the first step here is honesty with your wife...

So, when will you tell her???

Mrs. W

P.S. If you will notice, I am a FWS myself, so I DO understand what you are going through, BTDT...It will get better, but the first step in regaining your integrity and your life is to tell your wife...she very much deserves the truth...

Yeah - what MrsW said.

Didn't like that advise so you left???