My WH is being completely selfish when it comes to this D. Because I've been in Plan B (for my own sanity), the only updates I receive are through my attorney. Unfortunately, this D is moving forward. We're stuck in the negotiations process which is creating a lot of anger inside of me. First of all, WH never bothered on working on this M. It was all a facade. While we were in MC and meeting with our pastor on "fixing our M", WH was deep in the A. What angers me most is that WH betrayed me. He made all the decisions in ending this M and now he's dragging his feet with parting with his money. He's not showing an ounce of sympathy by leaving me in the dust. The sin has taken over his life and unfortunately, he isn't showing any signs of remorse.

My attorney just updated me on WH reluctance to settle with the amount that I'm asking for. WH has been the biggest jerk to me since d-day and he hasn't changed a bit. I'm angry at all the grief he's put me through. I'm angry that I have to start my life all over again. I'm angry that he did not honor his marital commitment. I'm angry that he left the church and is actively disobeying God. I'm angry that his sin has taken our marriage. I'm angry that he hasn't shown any signs of regret or remorse. I'm angry that he used to say "Divorce isn't the answer, marriage is for life." I'm angry that he is worshiping at another church with the OW. Most of all, I'm angry that I no longer have the man I fell in love with who pledged his life to me. That man is gone.

With all this anger, I want so much to call WH and vent. I want to tell him everything that has happened since he left. I want to tell him that he has hurt me to the core. I also want to tell him that through all this pain and hurt, I haven't jumped into the arms of another man. Instead, I have worked on myself, found quality friends and continued to be involved in the church. I just want him to know that I haven't forgotten about him but perhaps I've become a better woman since he left me for OW.

How do I deal with all this anger brewing inside of me?

Anger is one of the steps of the grieving process. The steps are: Denial, Anger, Blame, ____ , and recovery.
Many of us were in denial through our marriage, so we didn't get to grieve the loss of the marriage until the X left.
Use all resources available to you. Find a counselor. Find a local separated/divorce support group. Find a DivorceCare.org class. Talk to your pastor. Journal to get your feelings out. Your X doesn't care about your feelings, so venting to him won't help. For many of us, this board was our support group as well as our proxy for journaling.

PRAY and forgive.

There is not a month that goes by that WH doesn't do (or more offten not do) something to hurt and make me angry. About a year ago, WH refused my offer to waive child support if WH would pay approx $9,000 toward DD's tuition. I learned this week that he has since paid over $14,000 in attorney's fees. It is tough getting to the point of forgiveness, but it is such a release. Here are some things that have helped me:

Forgiveness does not mean that what he did was right. If it did, you would be thanking not forgiving.

As long as you refuse to forgive, you are separating yourself from God. You need God's strength through this.

As long as you refuse to forgive, you are interfering with God's punishment of him. Our anger and vengence is nothing compared to God's.

Look for a DivorceCare program in your area if you haven't already.

Agree with Newly.

I can REALLY empathize with you.

Anger is a natural feeling for all the reasons you mentioned. I had the same anger for the same reasons. It can be hard to shake. Plus, your WH is dragging it out, compounding your frustration, and lengthening a most miserable process.

Being a generally happy person, I HATED being so angry all the time. I was not trying to hold a grudge, but I could not shake the anger for the betrayal of me and the children, the disrespect, etc.

While people can tell you to foregive and move on, just remember this is a process you must go through before you will be able to put all this behind you. Do the things Newby suggested. I can tell you it works.

Also (and this may sound silly) but find an ACTIVITY you can do with other people. For me, I took up ballroom dancing. I realized working, caring for the kids, going to the gym and church was good, but I needed something else. Dancing allowed me to learn something new, be around other people in a social setting, but not talk too much. (Face it, I was in Divorce Heck, and was't much of a conversationalist).

It's tough. Don't hold onto the anger or use it as a crutch. As time passes, your D is finalized and you move on with your life, the anger will dissipate.

Oh, and another trigger for anger is that nothing happens when you think it will. Check out fbwidow's profile. Court dates get canceled arbitrarily. You get yourself mentally ready for settlement or completion, and it doesn't happen. This created a great deal of frustration for many of us, and it may also happen for you.

I was very angry (and some may say still am). I vented alot early on, and since learned that some venting is OK. Lots of venting reinforces the anger. All the suggestions are good. Take up a new hobby, and learn to put your energy toward something positive, not something negative like anger.

We all know how much emotional energy divorce takes. Find something positive to increase your energy.

Hi r2w,

I'm sorry you are going through this.I can appreciate the anger you are going through.Mine felt more like rage,pure rage for some time.What helped me was talking,talking,talking.And saying the serenity prayer.There is a lot of what we cannot control and the focus should be on what we can and helping ourselves.

Calling your WH will only make him put up walls and defend himself.He isn't capable of HEARING you the way you need to be.He doesn't care.When a person becomes a WS,they have lost the capacity to care about you the way you need to be IMO.Your STBX is the not the one to vent to.Once you get over that need,things can be better.But you have to realize he isn't the salvation.It's coming to terms with what has happened to you and accepting it.You will,in time.

There is an enormous amount of injustice in this world.It's how you handle it that can set you on a path of happiness again,or,regression and pain,allowing other's to have that control over you and your feelings.

The first thing to allow is that it is normal to be angry.You have been through a lot and it's not fair.I encourage you to feel these feelings and find a way to handle them appropriately.As someone else mentioned,there are stages to go through and each one is very important.Numbing yourself or trying to get over it too quickly or ignoring it will only ensure it will come back and revisit you in the future.Sure it is painful but a necessary step in recovery: recovery .

Talking was the single most important thing that I could have done for myself and thankfully I had a Mother who could take it,day after day,month after month until I no longer had to purge anymore.That is where I am now.You'll get there.Find what works for you,a journal,talking with friends,taking up boxing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Hang in there!!

Well said AB. It is important to get through all the stages of grieving because only then can you live again. As painful as they are, you have to feel them.
Too many people begin dating again or find some other means to help them, and have never really healed. Take the time now to heal.
Finding a great counselor or support group can help with the anger piece.